Do action figures have existential crises? Do they wonder about the point of their existence? Probably not; they're inanimate objects. This is for the best, given that many action figures have no reason to exist whatsoever. We've shown you 10 already; here are 13 more toys that never needed to be made.
1) Destroyed Cassandra, Doctor Who
You may recall Cassandra as the "last pure human," despite being a medium-sized tarp of skin on a rack. But you wouldn't know it from the Destroyed Cassandra figure because the "figure" is just the rack accessory that came with the actual, non-Destroyed Cassandra figure. Sold as a "new" figure. This is The Master-level evil right here.
2) Toon Burne, TMNT
Oh, you don't know the name Burne Thompson from TMNT cartoon lore? Well, that's because he was April O'Neil's boss at Channel 9 News. And yet, this character inexplicably got a toy because someone at Playmates thought kid wanted a toy to hand April her paychecks twice a month? His most notable feature is he's eating a sandwich, for @#$%'s sake.
3) Grandma and Grandpa Walton, The Waltons
The legendary '70s toy company Mego is famous for turning down the Star Wars toy license. But why would they bother making action figures of space warriors and aliens when they had incredible action figures like Grandma and Grandpa Walton to make? Sure, The Waltons was a hit TV show at the time, but of the three Waltons figure two-packs, this was easily the least action-packed duo of the set.
4) Roseanne Roseannadanna, Saturday Night Live
Everybody loved Gilda Radner on SNL back in the '70s. Absolutely no one wanted or needed a figure of her loudmouth Weekend Update character, especially in 2000, two decades after the character's zeitgeist. It also didn't help that the doll was hideous, and looked more like Richard Kiel than Gilda Radner.
5) The Meat, Rocky
Every time someone does a list of the worst/insane/crappy action figures of all time list on the internet, they include The Meat from the Rocky toyline. As well they should; it's a terrible accessory that's being sold as an action figure, and it's insulting. And tragically it's still less horrible than Destroyed Cassandra.
6) Imperial Dignitary, Star Wars
Since 1995, when Kenner reintroduced the Star Wars toyline, collectors have bought every single action figure release, no matter what the character, whether they had any lines or not, and even if they had less than a few seconds of screen time. But back in the '80s, the kids who collected Star Wars toys weren't so insane, and the idea of buying a figure of the purple-robed albinos who stood behind the Emperor that one time was dumb, and the Imperial Dignitary warmed pegs in toy stores for quite some time.
7) Madame Web, Spider-Man: Sneak Attack
In the Marvel comics universe, Madame Web is "a paralyzed, blind, telepathic, clairvoyant, and precognitive mutant, allowing her to work as a professional medium." Thus she's able to say cryptic things to Spider-Man, and help or aggravate him as she sees fit. As an action figure, she is an old lady sitting on a chair, and all the "Tech-Web Catchers" in the world can't change that.
8) Chopper, Starsky and Hutch
Making Starsky and Hutch action figures in 1978: A great idea. Making a figure of their informant Huggy Bear? Probably a solid choice. Making a figure of Starsky and Hutch's boss Captain Doby? Weird and kind of desperate. Making a figure of some random dude with a beard who never appeared on the show in any fashion but including it in the toyline anyways? That's the definition of pointless.
9) Anti Virus Bruce Wayne, Batman
There are probably too many ridiculous Batman figures with garish color scheme and ridiculous accessories to count. But no matter whether those figures have skies, pirate hats, or hilariously large guns, they all have one thing going for them: They are figures of Batman. Bruce Wayne here, however, has misplaced his cowl, meaning he's completely useless as a Batman figure. And I have no idea what the fuck is going on with his "anti-virus" gear, other than that he is obviously being electrocuted.
10) Jake Sully, Avatar
Kudos to Playmates for making a figure of Avatar's main character Jake Sully in his human form, despite the fact that since the character is paralyzed from the waist down (hence his desire to shove his mind into giant blue aliens) his only sensible accessory is his wheelchair. But while principle is good, the fact remains that the rest of the Avatar toyline contained aliens, monsters, mechs, and evil insane Marines. If kids bothered to buy a Jake Sully figure at all, they chose the giant blue alien version.
11) Sugar Man, X-Men: Mutant Monsters
One of Apocalypse's minions from the Age of Apocalypse storyline, Sugar Man has a disadvantage from most AoA characters because he's a mutant that appears to have no counterpart in the normal Marvel universe. Another problem: Unlike virtually all the other X-Men figures Toy Biz had produced, the Mutant Monsters series was in 6-inch scale, rendering them incompatible with the other toys. If kids wanted as shitty nth-tier X-Men character they had many better (and cheaper) choices.
12) Pylea Slave Cordelia Chase, Angel
Between the Buffy and Angel toylines, there were eight figures of Charisma Carpenter's character Cordelia made. Only one of them was wearing a burlap sack. This is that one.
13) Mack Blues, The Blues Brothers
Unlike their Saturday Night Life sister Roseanne Rosannadanna, the Blues Brothers were stars of a perennially popular movie, and thus when a company made figures of Jake and Elwood Blues, there were enough fans who loved the movie enough to buy them. Apparently suffering from the same delusion that led Dan Aykroyd into making a sequel in the first place, the same company made figures of Old Jake and new brother "Mack Blues", played by John Goodman in The Blues Brothers 2000. If you were a fan enough to buy figures of the original Blues Brothers, then you were fan enough to despise every aspect of the terrible sequel, including the merchandise.