Yesterday Arrow had its most appropriately-titled episode ever, with, "Keep Your Enemies Closer." Dynamic duos got very, very close indeed, but who ended up being the sexiest? We'll find out.
There were couples doing what couples do best all over last night's Arrow episode. Because this is the CW, those couples were not deficient in the looks department. But who strutted their stuff best?
At the bottom of the list, to no one's surprise, are Roy and Thea, who had the flimsiest story I've ever seen. Roy got arrested in a vigilante-related incident. When reporters got wind of the story, Moira's lawyer pressured Thea to break up with Roy because juries like mass murderers who are good moms or something. Thea did. Without telling him why. It took Moira inviting them both to the prison and engaging in some matchmaking to get them back together. I would say these two weren't in the running at all, but Thea and Roy have copious banter about doing the below-the-belt two-step, so I included them. Still, they're a couple that broke up for a legal strategy and were forcibly reconciled by the girl's mother in the visiting room of a women's prison.
Verdict - not sexy.
One step higher are Shado and Slade. When last we saw them, they were getting bombed all to hell. This episode, they're in the empty plane, trading whispered confidences while Shado rubs mud on Slade's burns. Then she jumps into the bed with him to - bring up his temperature? Help mitigate his shock? I don't know. They won't get long to bond, because back on the Ship of Mad Science, Sarah betrayed Ollie. She made him think that she was helping him warn his friends, but actually just wanted him to show Doctor Ivo where they were. (Though she does interfere when Ivo is about to have Ollie killed.) The point is, we won't see Slade and Shado getting much time together, and what time they had together was hampered by the fact they had sustained injuries and were covered in mud. Plus they didn't actually hook up, in the crotch jig sense of the phrase. So while they're both blindingly hot, like the sun cresting the eastern edge of the desert after a dark night, they don't place high on this list.
Verdict - slightly sexy.
Next up the list are Ollie and Isabel Rochev. They're having some fun in Russia. See, Lyla Michaels, the ARGUS agent, disappeared into a Russian gulag while trying to get into a prison that houses Deadshot. Dig is going after her, and Ollie is helping by, at a critical time, blowing up some corrupt guards and providing a ride home. Isabel tags along because she thinks Ollie is heading to Russia for some nefarious business purpose. She finds out he's not when he fails to show up for their one and only Russian business meeting. Isabel and Ollie spend some time drinking and talking about loneliness in Russian. And if you don't believe that Russian is sexy, please allow John Cleese to convince you.
How can you say no to a Python? In any case, Ollie and Isabel run off to do the waist-high tarantella. They earn their position on my list because, before they start, Ollie remembers Dig's escape plan and its precise timing and says, "I . . . don't have a lot of time." And Isabel responds immediately with, "I'll be quick."
Verdict - funny sexy.
And here we have a surprise disqualification! Felicity runs into Isabel on Isabel's way out of Ollie's room. At first Felicity seems okay with it, but soon gets mopey. She and Ollie trade meaningful looks for the rest of the episode, which is strange because Felicity not only knows that Ollie is in love with another girl, but was actually kidnapped by another one of Ollie's booty calls. She didn't seem to mind too much then. At the end of the episode she tells Ollie that he deserves better, and goes off to star in a million fan-made youtube music videos which will feature the song "You Belong With Me," by Taylor Swift. (Don't pretend you don't know the one I'm talking about.)
Verdict - Where's the sexy? Felicity is every Arrow fan's sweetheart! We're really leaving her out in the Russian cold?
And at last we come to the hottest couple of the group. Dig and Lyla have everything. First, when questioned about why he's willing to break into a Russian gulag to rescue Lyla, Dig's quiet reveal that she's his ex-wife is both surprising and touching. They broke up, he says, because they didn't know how to love each other without fighting a war. Poetic! Tragic! When he gets inside the prison and is put face-to-face with Deadshot - who knows where Lyla is - Dig makes a deal to spare his brother's killer in order to find Lyla. (Just to liven things up, Deadshot stabs a guard with an icicle.)
When Deadshot shows Dig where Lyla is and asks Dig what's to keep Dig from murdering him now, Dig says, "Honor." I tell you now, no one else could have pulled that off. Once they're clear of the prison, Dig considers shooting Deadshot, but instead lets him go. In return, Deadshot reveals that Dig's brother's death wasn't an accident. Deadshot was paid to kill him, by a little organization called HIVE.
Lyla and Dig fly home (on the same private plane with Felicity, Ollie, and a surprisingly unobservant Isabel) and Dig plants a kiss on Lyla's head that's adorable. They then hook up, because why act out From Russia With Love if you're not going to throw in some fire-hot spy sex. (Or, as I call it, the tandem Lindy Hop.) Dig sweetly offers to make Lyla some blueberry pancakes . . . and when she's out of the room, looks up HIVE on her phone. Yes. The betrayal makes it piquant.
Verdict - So, so sexy. So clearly the winner here. So hoping they stay together. So thinking they won't.
While I'm sure about my order of sexiness, I do have a few questions about this episode.
Was anyone else disappointed that Amanda Waller seems to be a slender, fashionable woman in her twenties? I know that in the world of CW shows, it's better to be dead than old or fat, but really? That's The Wall?
This episode includes the seventh mention of the particle accelerator this season. How long, do you think, before we get The Flash?
Can any native Russian speakers grade the actors' phonetic performances during the episode?
Who else covets the hats that Isabel and Felicity were wearing when they landed in Russia? I would murder a beloved member of my family for those hats. (I'm not saying who. Gotta leave room for reasonable doubt.)