Patton Oswalt Compares 'Star Wars' To Ballsacks

Famous indie comedian/comic book writer/video game talent Patton Oswalt is known for his love of science fiction and most other things from Planet Geek. We caught his show last week in Los Angeles where he spouted off about his fantasies of murdering George Lucas for making the Star Wars prequels. Check out the highlights after the break, and realize you'll never think of Angelina Jolie the same way again. Heroes fanwank bonus points: yes, that's a Slusho! t-shirt he's wearing.

Here is Oswalt on Lucas:

I want to kill George Lucas with a shovel. Okay, let me clarify, I don't want to kill him now because he adopted some kids and he's got that beard to take care of, but I want to go back to 1992 and just beat him to death with a shovel. Star Wars is fucking awesome, but I just want to prevent the prequels, that's all I want to do. Let's imagine I just ran into him in 1992:

"Oh my god! You're George Lucas! I just want to say you're amazing, I love you! Star Wars is awesome. Just.. thank you."

"Well, you say you like Star Wars? You know I'm about to start working on some prequels."

"Wait, you mean, you're gonna do Chapters One through Three? Oh my god! YES! I've been waiting so long for this!"

"So, do you like Darth Vader?"

"Do I like Darth Vader? Oh god I LOVE Darth Vader! With the cape and the mask and the lightsaber? He's a badass!"

"Well, in the first movie you get to see him as a little kid."

"I... what? Wait, you mean he's like Damien in the Omen, right? He's going around killing people with his mind and stuff right?"

"Well, no he's just a little kid and he gets taken away from his mommy and he's very sad."

"Yeah, well...I kind of like the helmet and the cape and the sword, you know?"

"Well don't worry about that because guess who's in the second movie? Boba Fett!"

"Holy shit! Boba Fett?! That's even better than Darth! With the suit of armor and that helmet and the cool ship? He's a badass bounty hunter!"

"Yeah, and in the second movie, you get to see him as a little kid!"

"Wait.. what? So you mean he's got the helmet on and he's shooting people and stuff, right?"

"No, he's just a little kid and his daddy dies and he's very sad."

"Oh. Well, I kind of just like where he's a bounty hunter and he's shooting people and stuff."

"Well, don't worry about any of that because guess what's in the third movie... the Death Star!"

"Oh my fucking god, the Dea... wait a minute. What is it doing?"

"Well, it's just being built and Darth Vader is looking at it."

"I kind of just like it when it's done and it's blowing up planets and stuff. I don't really care how they put the air conditioning and the toilets in, you know?"

"You seem very sad."

"Yes, you're right. I don't give a fuck about any of that stuff. That sounds... horrible! I would never go see that."

"Would you like a dish of ice cream?"

"Why, yes I would l like some ice cream. That would be very nice!"

"Well here's a big sack of rock salt!"

"What? You said I'd be getting ice cream?"

"Well, when you add the cream and sugar and ice and do a little mixing and then presto, you have ice cream!"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHERE THE STUFF I LOVE COMES FROM! I JUST LOVE THE STUFF I LOVE! Hey, do you love Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well then here's Jon Voight's ballsack! That's right! The sweaty, pink ballsack she swam out of. Now jerk off to that, you lucky so and so!"