Why Smallville Needs to DieS

Last weeks's mid-season finale of Smallville just helped underscore everything that's been going wrong with the show over the slow trainwreck of the last few seasons. Smallville won't be dying a painful death due to the writer's strike, because there are six more episodes completed and ready to air, but last week's finale does make us wonder if the show should go on. Here's why.

  • Chloe's power is finally revealed: While we already knew Chloe was a meteor freak with some kind of magical healing tears, it wasn't really shown what she could actually do until this episode. She takes Jimmy's cut finger in her hand and makes the poor little boo-boo go all bye-bye with some sort of weird E.T. light-up hands. Her one tear could bring Lois back from the dead, but it takes a lot of effort just to seal up a one-inch cut? Give us a break.
  • Grant Gabriel is a clone of Julian Luthor: We've also knew that Grant Gabriel was Lex's long-dead brother Julian for a few episodes, last Thursday was the first time it was revealed that he was actually a clone of Lex's brother, who died when he was 12 years old. Lex has been playing around in the cloning toybox and trying to bring his brother back. The first effort resulted in a clone who aged prematurely, but he seems to have it fine-tuned now. However, everyone seems to have forgotten about Lucas Luthor, Lex's other younger brother who he had hidden away several seasons ago. Counting last night's old clone, Julian, and Lucas, that gives Lex quite a family reunion to come home to. Of course, he put a bullet into old clone's chest, which will make it a bit awkward at future family meetings.
  • Brainiac is on the way back: The last time we saw Milton Fine / Brainiac, he was reduced to a tiny bit of goo living in a glass vial. Last night Chloe told Clark that the fluid was evolving and getting smarter each time it tried to escape. It's liquid with a memory and a mission, but how the hell does Chloe come by this stuff? She can translate Kryptonian, hack military firewalls, and score top-secret lab reports. Too bad her talents are wasted in the basement of the Daily Planet. She could be a one-woman Geraldo.
  • Clark is actually Bizarro: Clark returns from a two-week visit to the Fortress of Solitude and everything seems to be just hunky dory with the Young Adult of Steel. That is, until he hugs Lana near the end of the episode and we his shift turn angular and crystalline for the briefest of seconds, meaning he's the Bizarro version of Clark. Then we see what we imagine is the real Clark, trapped inside some kind of glass chamber back in the Fortress that looks like the device that took Supey's powers away in Superman II. So why the hell is Bizarro acting so nice and hugging folks? We'll have to wait until next year to find out.
  • We were going to add "Clark finally flies!" to this list, but it turned out to be Bizarro-Clark shooting up that stairwell like a comet, so we'll still have to wait to see him take to the skies. At which point the show should instantly be canceled for violating its "No flights, no tights" rule. Then again, they should have put the brakes on this show back when it started to suck. Four seasons ago.