Aliens Kick Predator's Ass and That's Final

Welcome back to Horrorhead, a fortnightly column about all things scifi and horror. This week, a crucial topic: Aliens vs. Predators. Not the movie, the smackdown. Colin Strause, one of the two Brothers Strause who directed the upcoming Aliens vs. Predator sequel, is known across the webonets as a serious Predator fan. The brothers claim that Predators are somehow better than Aliens because they're more humanoid, use tools, and are therefore relatable. But I'm here to say fuck that. Who wants "relatability" in a monster? Seriously, Colin, the Aliens win hands-down in any horror/scifi smackdown. Here's why.

The Aliens are just what the name advertises: truly, creepily alien. We never know what they want, other than to use our bodies as hosts to breed, though it's pretty obvious that they have some form of intelligence. We see them doing things like using battle strategy, and protecting their young. And they don't need tools like those wussy Predators because their entire bodies are weapons. Who is to say that they aren't a race of super-ultra-mega-warriors who genetically engineered themselves to become weapons? That makes them even more advanced than Predators.

Aliens aren't just out to get us - they are out to become us. One of the hallmarks of a hardcore freakshow monster is that it wants to make babies with you, or create versions of itself using your body. That's the Alien all over. It wants to get you pregnant and use your genetic material to create offspring. And the Aliens are so sexy that other species want to do the same thing to it: that's how we got the human/alien hybrid in Alien: Resurrection. Even the Predator-boosting Colin Strause has to admit the superiority of the Predalien hyrid (pictured here) in his new flick. Hybrid vigor!

Nobody will ever mistake the Aliens for a racial stereotype. One of the sort of cool/sort of lame parts of Predators are their dreadlocks, suggesting they're a species of Rasta warriors. Aliens, to their credit, never veer into JarJarism.

And finally, the Aliens are always a pleasure to gawk at. All too often, monsters in horror movies are all bite and no show. Predators are of that variety, which is why the first Predator movie worked the best - the Predator was invisible, so we didn't have any time to feel disappointed that he looked so half-Klingon, half-Rasta boring. The Alien, however, got more intriguing the more we saw. That long, shiny head with its double-mouth dripping acid? The skeleton body like something from an Iron Maiden album cover? Dude. Plus, when the Alien starts to wear thin, just create a cool hybrid! Sure, Alien: Resurrection was total crap, but my inner FX gore geek was totally satisfied by the final scene with the creepy naked Humalien getting sucked out of the teeny hole in the spaceship wall.

In short, Alien kicks Predator's ass on all fronts: it's creepier, better-looking, and wants to make babies with us. What else do you want?