Had to be sex.

What if they operate like whales using sound to map and communicate? What if that language is so complex even mathematics can't be conveyed causing them to become annnoyed enough to use their disintegration ray on our pathetic little planet?

Mathematic weapons aimed at their sex organs.

What if they're from another dimension, where the math is different? We're gonna feel pretty silly when we show up to the summit with a bunch of primitive Bernoullian claptrap, and they show up in a tesseract.

if you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. if not, we surrender.

@FrankenPC: Wasn't that the plot to Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home?

Carl Sagan seemed to think it would be mathematics. Of course, he didn't live forever, so he must be wrong.

I vote music... but only because I've seen Close Encounters way too many times.

@Simon Piper: If he is so smart why didn't he live for ever...

Mathematics should be the way as far as anything from this dimension... and @zeppelined: If they come from another dimension they will just use their multiple dimensions to look inside our stupid 3D (4d) forms and see our souls directly...

As far as if they don't see or hear, something in the EM/Radio freq must be picked up by them or their instruments...

@DocGratis: Our...our souls? Um. Yeah.

music or maths will be the good choice. what if they eat their partners after having sex? weapons are the final "answer"... but according to the above mentioned close encounters, or the space odyssey, where a geometric shape shows the intelligence of a life form....maths&music will do the job

Mary Doria Russell's The Sparrow is actually a really good lesson on why sex might not be the way to go.

If they're sofisticated enough to make it here I bet they have at least mastered sms or even mms. Hell, they'll probably liveblog the entire encounter so we can all understand it from their perspective.

I think we should start with a universal constant. Hydrogen should do. If we can transpose our concept of the hydrogen atom: 1 electron / 1 proton to our concept of binary: 0 1, I think we could work off of that as a communication model.

Or course in real life, it would start with guns and end in tears.

@extracrispy: The tones from Close Encounters are basically math mapped to sound. It's the musical equivalent of a string of prime numbers that says,"Hiya! We're smart want to chat?"

Math doesn't have to be just raw equations. I think we could build a universal translator, but it would have to engage all five senses and include a lot of redundant information to cover all areas. Math would help wmannage this.

However, it wouldn't be of any use for the culture barrier. What if these aliens have taboos that we don't? Probably the only decent idea on Enterprise was when Archer pissed off a new species they encountered by inviting their leader to lunch in the mess hall. Seemed like a good idea but their culture did not do communal eating and viewed such activities the way we view sex: as somethign to be done in private, filmed in secret and then posted on the internet.

Nah, music is no good. People from two cultures on earth often can't understand each other's music. Plus, the parts that are universal are universal because of their relationship to our brains.

@Direwolf84:

Just remember, with Arcturians, it doesn't matter if yours is male or female.

/obscure?

well, if our senses our so different, then communication would be the least of our problem. We'd have to prove to them that we are creatures capable of communicating first, kinda like that ST:TNG episode where it was a glowing speck of dust that we had to learn to id as a creature in the first place.

I mean, who ever thinks of ways to communicate with spiders or rocks? You have to realize that something is being said for any communication to even be initiated.

What about beer, man? 'Cause, y'know, everybody's always hasslin' each other and sayin' they don't understand each other and can't we all just get along and shit, and it's, like, such a drag, but then you just pop out a coupla brewskis and pass 'em around, and all of a sudden, everybody's groovin' and havin' a good time, and maybe somebody puts some tunage on. Party!

Besides, if these aliens don't like beer, who the fuck needs 'em anyways?

Even if communication was possible, the chances of understanding are pretty slim. Bin Lauden communicates with George Bush, but it doesn't help understanding.

Steely Dan for sure:

"The Cuervo Gold...the fine Columbian"

What's for a tourist from Vega not to like?

@wishnevsky: Yeah, 'cause neither of them can have beer.

Rikki don't lose those numbers,
we're tryin' to call everybody else.
We'll send it off in a rocket into spaaaace.

Rikki don't lose those numbers;
it's for calling E.T. on the phone.
We hope he uses it to feel better
or to call hooooome.

In my opinion, the concept of an ultimate form of communication is flawed in the first place. Communication is necessarily relative to the senses/minds/cultures of those communicating. Understanding forms when those communicating share enough common ground to understand the contexts and therefore the statements made. If we were to encounter an alien race, the trick would be to coexist long enough to find that common ground, which would be entirely unique to the two entities trying to communicate. Unfortunately, our species has a poor track record of getting along with what we don't understand. One key to success could be trade. If we independently come to the conclusion that our coexistence is mutually beneficial, then it is possible to survive long enough to communicate on any meaningful level.

That being said, sex is the only option that would work. If we could have sex with these creatures, I see a long and prosperous relationship.

@Gann: Yo, it's a lot easier to get someone to have sex with you after they've had a coupla beers. Trust me, bro.

@moff: point.

Prime numbers + music + alcohol = sex.

Which leads to the destruction of both civilisations.

@moff: With any luck their aphrodesiac of choice would be something we consider common, like wheatgrass or crayons or human sperm.

@Gann: Man, I dated a chick once who was all into wheatgrass -- I think she worked at that GNC place in the mall -- and she tried to get me to try some of that shit, and let me tell you, straight from the Moffster, it is not an aphrodisiac.

Whatever, man. I just hope if the aliens show up, they have three boobs.

@aspiringexpatriate: Yeah, I had some sex like that once.

@wishnevsky: Right On!

Let's just take it as it comes. If they can't see, hear, taste, smell, or feel, then we'll have to figure something else out entirely. Man, I just blew my own mind.

A picture of a naked dude waving should work.

@Gann: Really? Because I see us kind of knocking some alien civiliztion up, and then pretending we're not here when they call.

@braak: They're so gonna feel like Katherine Heigl.

@braak: Then having to pay 'fledgling civilization support' when our genetic mixup turns out to have the iq of a toaster.

Weapons if they come to a Human world, otherwise we'll try sex.

One word: rishathra.

@braak: Brilliant.

Serious answer here (linguistics grad student here, specializing in computational ling. and the evolution of language.)

If they have anything in common with us biologically, we'll probably be able to use language-like transmissions - that is, nouns, verbs, descriptions of those (adj/adv), and directions (prepositions).

Why? Language is a biological trait, not a cultural one. Metaphors are based in physicality (time has a direction; love is a journey; life is a path, etc.) We are hard-wired to talk about concrete things, and the actions that those things undergo. I submit that any mind occupying physical space will use similar constructions.

Especially if the aliens live as separate entities in social units and not, say, as communal slime-mold-like minds; if they require external resources and are heterotrophic like us, and were starving for most of their history, like us; and if their survival depended on sharing information with other entities... then they will talk like us, whether it be in sounds, signs, colors, or temperatures.

Boring answer? Sometimes sci-fi isn't as ethereal as we think, but that's a realistic answer, if you were curious.

Me, I'm a hetero(tropho)phobe, so I say we find out if they taste like chicken first, and ask questions later.

@picardia: *loved* The Sparrow - really good novel with some interesting sociobiology thrown in.

@aspiringexpatriate: "prime numbers + alcohol + music = sex". I think you just described my ideal Saturday night, as well as the entirety of XKCD.

@Transuranic: I was thinking the same XKCD reference when I read that too, though with an additional raptor reference.

Your "boring" answer seems reasonable but there is still the issue of relating similar ideas through a different language. Think about how difficult it is to explain what a verb or an adjective is and how they work in English to someone who doesn't natively speak it...now imagine if there isn't someone there to help translate.

It seems that the biggest hurdle would be to conceive a common language that both species could understand before trying to relate the subtle attributes to our civilization and culture.

With that said here's hoping we don't fuck it up when the chance arrives!

@selcouth14: Well, just don't offer 'em any of that shitty high school Natty Light or whatever. We gotta be classy -- I'm thinkin' High Life.

@moff: That's true, because if they accepted Natty Light then they ain't no friends of mine.

Guinness

@selcouth14: There's a global beer trade show, and executives from all the major brands are present. Afterward, they hit the hotel bar for a drink.

The bartender asks what their poison is, and the guy from Budweiser says, "King of Beers, please." She serves him a Bud.

The guy from Coors says, "I want the only beer brewed with fresh stream water straight from the Rockies." She serves him a Coors.

The hombre from Corona says, "Por favor, la cerveza más deliciosa de south of the border!" He gets a Corona, of course.

And the gentleman from Guinness says, "I'll have a Pepsi."

The others look at him, surprised.

"What?" he says. "If you fellas aren't drinking beer, I'm not going to."

@moff: Beautiful, simply beautiful, though now I'm quite thirsty and still stuck at work...so thanks moff, thanks a lot.

@selcouth14: I was confused about what work could possibly have to do with not drinking, but then I checked your activity and saw you spent your time commenting here and on Gizmodo, not Gawker.

@moff: Don't forget Kotaku!

Yeah, my commenting has slowly begun progressing into the other realms of Gawker. I'm a little tentative though, its a scary world out there, maybe after throwing back a few...and a fatty.

I think that we should first try talking to the other countries whom we are in conflict with before considering talking to an alien species.

@Transuranic: Sure...
Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra...

Man you have to start with numbers prime number and/or then atomic structure...

If I point at myself and say "DocGratis" what does that mean to the alien. Human, male, my name, sarcastic jerk.. what?

The problem with prime number is they are base ten.
which is why atomic number/structure.. hydrogen is hydrogen

@wishnevsky: Mathematic STINK weapons aimed at their sex organs, that make a "BIG-BADA-BOOM" when fired.