This clip shows everything that's great — and everything that's awful — about Torchwood, the naughtiest Doctor Who spinoff. First it serves up outlandish sexual innuendo mixed liberally with alien creepiness. And then it suddenly veers into drama and jealous bickering, which is really just the grotty barnacle-covered underside of campiness. Don't watch the clip or read below the fold unless you want spoilers for the latest Torchwood episode.

We'll be judging the new Torchwood episodes based on important criteria such as raunchiness and drama.

The naughtiness: James "Spike" Marsters turns up, doing the same Fonzie trick he pulled off in Buffy. Actually, Spike is pretty great in his Adam Ant jacket, with his paralyzing lip gloss and his zany sexual innuendo. He copies Captain Jack's thing of lusting after everything that moves, including a poodle at one point. Oh, and there's a coked-up fish-man who steals a sports car.

How gay was it? Spike gets pretty raunchy with Captain Jack. The former boyfriends do a whole kissy-fighty dance when they first meet up, and then they argue in front of the Torchwood team about which one was "the wife" in their relationship. Answer: Spike was the wife. But he was "a good wife." Oh, and Jack finally asks Ianto the office boy out, and Ianto acts all gruff about it before saying yes. Of course.

Who gets laid? Nobody. In fact, boring old Toby complains for about twenty minutes about his lack of a sex life, while Tosh makes goo-goo eyes at him.

The pointless drama: Where to start? The gang is pouty that Jack was off traveling with David Tennant. In the middle of a conversation, Gwen grabs Jack and pushes him against the wall and shouts, "You left us!" and it feels like she's following a stage direction. Jack acts all put out that Gwen got engaged to her longtime boyfriend, and she hints that she only accepted Rhys' proposal because Jack was out of the picture. Spike is all possessive about Jack (as in the clip above) and wants the two of them to go off and run their old hustle again. I could go on and on.

Was there a plot? Umm. Not sure. There were some bombs, but they weren't really bombs,they were a diamond. But they weren't really a diamond, they were a bomb. And then they weren't. Sorry, not much help there.

Will the kid-friendly edited version make sense to anybody? It'll make as much sense as the regular version.