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90210 Meets Cthulhu

Here's photographic and video evidence of what must surely be one of the signs of the approaching apocalypse: Tori Spelling in a Cthulhu movie. Make sure that sinks into your cranium before proceeding further. Yes, the very same Tori Spelling of Beverly Hills 90210 and the Tori & Dean Inn Love reality show strips down and gets her groove on in a wannabe horror film entitled Cthulhu: The Movie, where you never see any monsters. Unless you want to use the term "monster" metaphorically. Which we do.


We're well aware of the fact that it's difficult to try to tackle Lovecraft from any angle, but why would you try to make things harder for yourself by sticking Tori Spelling in your movie? If this was a retelling of Lovecraft starring bitchy girls who can't find the proper shade of lip gloss at the local L'oreal counter who then get eaten by some sort of lurking horror, then we'd get it. However, it sure looks like they're trying to be serious in this trailer, which for the life of us we can't really wrap our heads around. Especially once Donna Martin appears.

"Someone get down to the Peach Pit, quick! We've opened a portal to R'lyeh!" Yikes. Someone must have dialed in a favor or had some serious blackmail material for this one. We still prefer the Donna-free Cthulhu movie, which manages to be engaging despite being silent and in black and white.

Cthulhu the Movie [official site]

1:30 PM on Thu Jan 31 2008
By Kevin Kelly
5,425 views
35 comments

Comments

  • While I don't have the sound on (at work), I gotta say that it's really well photographed.

  • And here I thought nothing could kill Cthulhu -- sucks to be wrong!

  • I laughed all the way through reading this post and then the clip. Oh the horror. It's so bad it's good. (At least for me.)

    "Someone get down to the Peach Pit, quick! We've opened a portal to R'lyeh!"

    (Still laughing, damn.)

  • I had heard of this movie and that it had Tori Spelling in it, but this is the first I've seen of it and I'm not even put off. I'm excited about it. Tori always did have that batrachian horror thing going for her.

  • Don't you think you're being a bit harsh on the movie? After all, who better to be an agent of evil fishmen from under the sea than the trout-lipped and pneumatic Tori?

  • @riotnrrd:
    no.
    this movie is like ringu meets 90210.
    once you watch it, tori spelling shows at your door. and she never leaves.
    (send help.)

  • I've actually seen this film. It was shown at Reel Affirmations (DC's gay and lesbian film festival). I can only assume that the clip is her attempt to seduce the gay main character. I say that because I refuse to subject myself to this film yet again. While there were some quite creepy moments in the film, I was simply glad that as a volunteer at the festival I hadn't paid to see it. And this film didn't have anything really to distract from the Tori badness like say Trick (hot guys, hilarious drag queen) or The House of Yes (indie goddess, Parker Posey) did.

  • Jack, you didn't like her in Trick? I thought she was pretty funny. I liked the whole movie. AND I think Tori has real life experience with an ancient Demonic being, AKA her mother. She can relate.

  • @Jack: Now I'm curious. How does the main character's gayness fit into the Cthulhu plot (if at all)?

  • my head just exploded.

  • @Jeff-Minor: I did like her in Trick... her last bit in the diner about not being a lesbian is one of my favorite movie moments, but there were other bits of horrid acting (some intentional, some not) from her in that film. This movie though... takes it to a whole new level of bad, a level that isn't necessarily 100% her fault as the writer and director had some great ideas, but just some really bad follow through.

  • @Annalee: SPOILERS...

    Russ's father is the head of a cultish church in the Pacific Northwest. Being gay and not accepted in the church, Russ escaped to Seattle, but returns home upon his mother's death. Weirdness ensues, and he starts investigating (along with his former best friend who is ostensibly straight but in love with Russ). Father it turns out is one of Cthulhu's henchmen and it's time for him to return under the sea, but that can't be done until he has an heir. His sister is infertile or something, so it falls to him, but... well, GAY! Tori is a member of the cult and she basically seduces him, gets rebuffed, so she drugs him, rapes him, and gets all preggers with fast growing tadpoles, and then it just gets downright confusing from there... It's also mildly set somewhat in the future, and Global Warming has taken it's toll, and perhaps is the cause for the rise in Cthulhu henchman activity.

  • @Jack: The way you describe it actually sounds really cool, but I could also see how it would go terribly wrong.

  • Cthulhu has human henchman? Why bother? Is Cthulhu just a slimy stand in for Satan? I perfer Satan, or even Pluto. But something like Cthulhu was my first nightmare that I can remember, and is sorta special.

  • To be fair, Tori is also quite good in The House of Yes (but maybe that's in contrast to the black hole of suck, Freddie Prinze).

  • @Annalee: Yeah, as I said in my earlier comment to Jeff-Minor, they had some good ideas, but some really bad follow-through. Another possibility is that some of it got lost in the editing as the movie was preceded by a short speech by one of the producers or writers or something, and he mentioned that it had been re-edited for the festival. I didn't stay for the ballot counting, but I'm pretty certain it did not end up being a festival fave ;-)

  • @Jeff-Minor: No, sorry, I guess I wasn't explicit... they apparently are human-looking, but are actually amphibian (hence the Tori having tadpoles)... as I said... it was all very confusing.

    @JosephFinn: Yeah, I think that was a relativity thing... 'cause yeah Prinze sucked in that film. Not that he's an Olivier in his other films, but that was a definite low point.

  • The movie is not particularly great but some of that cinematography nearly redeems the movie on its own merits.

    There is one scene in particular that is so starkly wondrous, it sticks with you. The scene begins with the main character, dressed in cultist garb, walking across the sandy beach. All we hear are the waves. It's peaceful. The camera pans to the left and we see something as a hideous chorus fades in.

    Honestly that scene alone was worth the price of admission, not once but twice.

  • Tori Spelling, is, after all, the blonde she-goat with a thousand young.

  • @Jack: Maybe they're supposed to be Deep One Hybrids (eg the population of Innsmouth in "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" by HPL). Tori certainly has the looks for it.

  • Ohh, that's scary stuff kids!

    This is certainly one for Monster Chiller Horror Theater. Where's Count Floyd when you need them.

    [youtube.com]

  • Image of raincoaster raincoaster at 04:16 PM on 01/31/08 *

    @Jack: Oh, you poor person. I am so, so sorry for you. Remarkable even among the steaming, bubbling pile of dreck which is the Cthulhu On Celluloid ouevre, this thing is a dingleberry on the festering ass of Shub Niggurath (can we still say "Niggurath?").

    @Jeff-Minor: Cthulhu is not Satanic at all. As I said in an earlier thread, Cthulhu is amoral. The whole good/evil dichotomy doesn't really exist in the Mythos; it's something tacked on later by August Derleth, who felt anything without a Christian context was somehow obscene.

    As for whether the cultists are human or not, you should read The Shadow Over Innsmouth.
    [www.dagonbytes.com]

  • Stop hatin', Tori isn't that bad.

  • As an unabashed Seattle resident, I am 110% pro-this-movie. That, and the cinematography looks fantastic.

  • I smell a straight to DVD

  • This movie has been around forever, you are just now picking it up? Sheesh, we talked about it over at RevolutionSF like a year ago. They are calling it 'Brokeback Cthulhu'.

  • At the Brokeback Mountains of Madness!

    Tell me you didn't miss that one.

  • @kaosdevice: It would have been pretty hard for io9 to pick up on it a year ago.

  • @92BuickLeSabre: Though I did know about it, simply because there is (or maybe was) a warehouse in Seattle with CTHULHUTHEMOVIE.COM written on it. When I visited there about a year ago, I saw that and was like, "Must visit website." But honestly at that time I couldn't tell what the hell it was about, other than a parent's death.

  • Not sure what to make of that clip from "Call of Cthulhu"...seemed more like David Cassidy doing a revival of "Thriller" in gay summer stock in Rehoboth...

    As for Victoria Spelling, I'd be inclined to cut her a little slack after her performance in "Trick", which came as a surprise. Given the subplot in "Cthulhu" of a homosexual tryst, it does seem like ol' Tori is getting typecast as the "hag"...or maybe SHE is Cthulhu...after all, have you ever seen anyone with a face like that who hadn't achieved the the look after years of ill-advised plastic surgery procedures?

  • Cinematography +++; Tori's nose ---.

  • Me no likey T_T

    This really sucks. I hope Gulliermo del Torro will not make the same mistake and instead show us some Cthulu Monster. (And Tori getting eaten)

  • In her house at R'lyeh dead Shannen Doherty lies dreaming

  • sorry but i don't know who any of those actors are so i don't understand the stigma attached to them. with that in mind the trailer is convincing for me and i look forward to the movie.
    maybe if you all spent less attention where everyone's acting career started and instead looked at the trailer as it is, maybe you'd feel the same way I do?

  • Image of raincoaster raincoaster at 11:53 PM on 02/01/08 *

    @Hoaxe: No.

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