io9
Star Wars may be an epic struggle between good and evil, but all that moral drama is just a vain attempt to hide all the love stories in the franchise that burned hotter than the sands of Tatooine. You've got brothers and sisters making out, robot on robot love, bestiality, bondage, phallic sabers, weird little microscopic life forms imbued with the power of the Force getting women pregnant, and plenty of inter-species sexual tension. It's a miracle that it all got past the ratings board. Check out our list of the hottest couples in the original Star Wars trilogy.
Luke and Leia: When you first saw Star Wars, weren't you rooting for the young, rebellious teenager from Tatooine to actually score with the girl? You had the feeling that Han had been around the block a few times and didn't need another notch on his blaster-belt, royalty or not. Luke was the entire wish-fulfillment part of the movie: who wouldn't want to get whisked off their world and into an interstellar struggle along with magic and laser swords? You not only wanted him to destroy the Death Star, but to get the girl as well. Well, at least he got to make out with his sister first few minutes of Empire, hinting that there might have been some other episodes of that going on.
Han Solo and Chewbacca: They say dogs are a man's best friend, and there's probably an even closer relationship when your dog is over seven feet tall, walks uprights, talks you to in his own language that only you understand, and can fly your ship for you. Plus you know exactly where to scratch him when he needs a bit of a reward for doign something good. The flea baths and upkeep on that glossy fur must be fairly expensive, and who knows what you have to feed the guy. Although there's a slight undertone of jealousy when Chewie chuckles at Han when he gets dissed by Leia, he just calls him a fuzzball and everything is right again.
Darth Vader and Boba Fett: Think about it, they both spend most of their lives encased in armor, had their parent (singular, in both cases) taken away from them at an early age, and they both enjoy killing things for fun. It's just natural that they'd be attracted to each other, and who's the first person Darth calls when he needs to have someone hunted down? Also, Darth has his own little private torture chamber, and Boba's ship is called the Slave I, so they must have some sort of bondage fetish going on.
R2D2 and C3P0: Nothing says "I can't quit you" like two droids who stick with each other through thick and thin. Plus the sheer amount of concern that Threepio shows for R2 whenever anything happens to him betrays his feelings, and the Emperor would say. If that golden whiner could have burst into tears when Luke says "I've lost R2!" over the radio in Star Wars, he sure would have. Traipsing around the galaxy together might have been hard on their droid bodies, what with R2 not being able to fly anymore, and Threepio getting blasted to bits in Empire, but just think about the stories they'll be able to tell their grandtoasters.
Jabba the Hutt and Leia: Running an evil organization that operates on the underbelly of the law can be taxing. Just check out Jabba's body: he's fat, smells, eats live reptiles, and he has to chain women to himself just to keep them around. Once he spotted Leia trying to make off with Han's frozen body, he quickly forced her into a tiny metal bikini and turned her into his newest slave girl, much to the delight of horny basement-dwellers around the world. She wouldn't even reciprocate his proffered tongue kisses, but repays him with some erotic asphyxiation. We swear he enjoyed being choked out.
Mon Mothma and Admiral Ackbar: If you thought a smuggler and a walking carpet were an odd couple, consider a woman and her giant fish. It's probably hard to serve as the leader of the Rebellion and to coordinate efforts to overthrow the Empire when you have to worry that your partner is getting enough water, and do you have a good supply of krill on hand. Still, she manages to pull it off with grace and spotless flowing white robes, while Ackbar looks paunchy and happy, like someone who has just downed a few beers before the big game. We just hope he doesn't slap her around when those Rebels aren't around.
Lando Calrissian and Nien Nunb: Once Lando accepts his guilt for the freezing of Han, he starts flying the Millennium Falcon around, dresses like Han, and even takes on Chewie as his co-pilot. However, that all changes when the Battle of Endor erupts. Lando ditches Chewie and makes room for Nien Nunb, who likes to gasp and nod. Plus, he speaks his own secret language with Lando, and they spend a lot of time in that cockpit together. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Tusken Raiders and their Banthas: Tusken Raiders spend their lives wrapped head to toe in mummy bandages, and the only thing they have to keep them company are other Tusken Raiders, and Banthas. According to Star Wars lore, when a Tusken receives a Bantha, they form a life-long bond; when one of the two dies, the other is exiled to the desert to die. Which would really suck if Banthas are known to have a short lifespan. Still, nothing says love like a bond that requires an exile after the breakup.
Han Solo and Leia: Darth Vader's daughter sure gets around. During the course of three different films, she makes out with her brother, gets flirted with by scoundrels, wriggles around almost nude for fat gangsters, tickles a furry Ewok silly, and then ends up with Han. However, didn't it feel like she chose him because she found out she was related to Luke? Decisions of the heart are a lot easier when you find out you might have offspring with giant foreheads and genetic problems.
Art via the excellent Joel Watson.
Comments
Since it took me so long to type, I'm going to shamelessly plug my comment from the Transformers thread because I think it's funny, and every time I read it I laugh. And I don't laugh at ANYTHING.
[io9.com]
Also, nothing says love like the inner thigh of a princess. That's a fact, jack.
Luke and Leia, the Donnie and Marie of Star Wars.
As for Mon Mothma and Akhbar, could be those Calamaris have a "fish top and human bottom" dynamic.
Of course, R2D2 and C3P0. Why do you think R2 has all those nifty attachments?
That plus was kind of the antithesis of funny.
@Pope John Peeps II: I just want to give you $10.50 right now.
Mon Mothma does have kind of an "Oh, I just walked into a blast-door" look about her.
@moff: "Where have you been?"
"Out. Just out."
"You've been at the Coruscant Aquarium again, haven't you? You reek of kelp, and I can see that your pockets are full of single Galactic Credits!"
A personal anecdote that may shed some light on this:
I used to work at a medical clinic on Tatooine as part of a Medicines Sans Frontieres team. It was set up after some reports came in of large numbers of Sand People...pardon me, Tusken Raiders, being slaughtered - men, women, children. Pretty intense. It was unclear at the time whether this was an ongoing thing or just a one-off incident.
Anyway, the point is, we set up this clinic...and while we didn't see any more victims of massacres, the number of Tusken Raiders that we had to treat for crushed spinal columns and broken pelvises was just shocking.
Even after years of training working as a medical intern with Nerf Herders...I mean, I had seen a lot of things, heard a lot of lies and a lot of embarrassing explanations...but...well, it didn't come close to preparing me for what I witnessed.
Real drama would have = real incest. Luke and Leia's love child with super abilities! You have to breed to reinforced the traits you want.
In regards to Mon Mothma and Ackbar...IT'S A TRAP.
Nah, R2 and 3PO were the best couple in Star Wars. "You can fix him, can't you? If any of my parts will help I'll gladly donate them!"
What about Han and Stacey?
@Pope John Peeps II: I'm all ready to camp out for that movie.
Fucking hilarious.
You know... if you think about it.. Leia and Jabba could have turned out to be some of our first tentacle-rape porn experiences...
Think about it. I'm just saying.
@Project Thanatos:
Mon Mothma and Admiral Ackbar: That's your tentacle porn right there. Isn't he from planet Calamari?
"It's a (love) trap!"
@Szin: One of the few relationships where one party's desire to fix the other was actually achievable.
[pictures.pichaus.com]
While it's extrinsic to the films, I think the R2/C3PO anti-smoking PSA best revealed their romantic disfunction.
"R2, do you really think I don't have a heart?"
Sad.
For the record, Nien Nunb is speaking Tagalog, not just gibberish nothings to Lando. Still hot though.
It's a trap!
Am I the only one who doesn't remember Luke Leia making out in the beginning of Empire?
@Buji:
No, I don't recall that either. I just remember the kiss when Luke's in the hospital bed, prompting the classic, "Laugh it up, fuzzball" line from Han.
Lucas must've digitally added it. Is there a catastrophic blast wave after they finish?
@Buji: No, you're not the only one; I remeber a kiss in sick-bay, but that little picture of the two of them in the hallway doesn't look right. That outfit he's wearing is only shown when he's outside, on the back of a Taunton, or dying in the snow.
@Project Thanatos: I was watching Jedi recently and I saw something I hadn't seen in my childhood. It never occurred to me how brutally Leia straight murders Jabba. I mean sure he's a creepy fat guy who kept her frozen boyfriend as a wall decoration, but there was some serious rage going on in that scene. There was clearly something going on between the scenes.
It's Darth Vader and Admiral Piett, damnit! The whole Boss-employee thing with a bit of murder on top. Boba Fett is overrated and I'm really pissed at Lucas for making him such a prominent part of the series.
I actually liked Anakin and Padme. If you don't like that there's always Anakin and Obi-Wan, just saying that makes me sick a little in my mouth, excuse me... D:
@badflow: [Obi, singing George Michael style] "...I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mine. I will be your preacher teacher, anything you have in mind...". There...feel better now? ;)
And then this happens
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@montsnmags: Thank you ;)
Nien Nunb & Lando.
"and they spend a lot of time in that cockpit together."
Say, Nien, you like gladiator movies?
What is with this sexualizing everything. It's like a bunch of middle school boys with too much time on their hands. Next thing you know we'll be hearing that George Lucas had a love affair with the digital cameras created to produce the new trilogy, or that he was intimately involved with R2D2 because R2 was such a prominent character in all sex (i mean "six") movies, or that his "directing" of the entire cast was nothing more than a ploy to explore more recreational "directing"
Grow up people... I like this website overall, but with this kind of crap continuing to go on i may have to find my sci-fi info someplace else.
@JCMasterpiece: Why you no like-a the sex-a?
Mon Mothma and Admiral Ackbar...
Its not just tentacle porn there...
please, dont tell me im the only one who notices his head look like a big, fat, giant D*CK!!!!
i bet they get nastier than all the Hentai you can see in a lifetime.
scary shit :P
nothin says funny like an alien desert-culture having sex w/ its camels-- i mean Banthas.
yall are anti-Tusken.
Okay, am I the only one who thought that Qui-Gon and Shmi had something going on?
@ Jeffminor: They'd produce the Kwisatz Haderach!
@Dshramek: Don't blame her. I'd have serious rage in that position. Gotta assert yourself in that outfit.
So any two characters who appear on screen together are having sex? Meh...
@JCMasterpiece:
I agree! Here Here!
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