That Spider-Man one is pretty rad.

Also, the War of the Worlds where they're tromping around in a giant watering can.

Is it for that god-awful Al Pacino-Will Farrell Spy movie where the chick hid the flash drive in her mug and stole from the CIA computer?

Or maybe Mission:Impossible?

Wow! Does anyone read Russian? I'd love to know what the writing on these says!

These are so incredibly awesome.

But I don't remember any pickles....???

Is it that movie with the British guy? Jude Law or Ewan? And he plays a virtual reality game? I didn't watch it, but I remember reading about it.

Also, Neo is totally passing gas in the Matrix one.

Love the art, although the site is taking forever to load at the moment.

Reminds me of the Futurama ep where Bender re-builds himself with wood. It's kinda handsome, in that primitive illustrative style.

@Git Em SteveDave: I think you mean Colin Farrell, although I'd love to see Will Ferrell team up with Al Pacino.

"So, I get my hand chopped off, and all Chewie can do is offer me a drink and a pickle? I'll chop HIM good with my flaming sword!"

@Frozen-Tex: Hey...wasn't it Leia who brought him food after the de-handing? Not a very flattering picture of her.

@SVreader: If that's Leia, it opens up new galaxies of jokes about Han getting a piece of Jedi tail...

I like the LOTR interpretation.....does it look like Frodo is flipping us off to anyone else? Need to track down someone who speaks Russian......

The letters are a dated cyrillic, so I can't read them properly. Looks like it's saying "Anekeinka lamer' knopitsui nazhimaet' da niuevo b'tom' neponi maet' kupil' svistok' akuda b'stavit' evo i neznaet'"

I see the verb for 'bought' and a pronoun for 'to him/for him' at the end there. Possibly leading into "to where [it] returned to him and [it] doesn't know."

I guess The Recruit works, cause I know shit all about that movie and what this wood cutting says.

@aspiringexpatriate: It is the Recruit. Good job GitEmSteveDave.

Took me awhile to realize I could just plug it into google translate.

Could the mystery woodcut be a scene from eXistenZ? I never saw the movie, but wasn't there some sort of homoerotic method of plugging in to a virtual reality?

@ElinorGee: That was the one I clumsily tried to describe above! Never saw it either.

mmm... spark plugs

@aspiringexpatriate: Аникейка is Russian for Recruit. Just to settle the matter. Again.

I almost wanted to see that film, then I realized one of the drafts was by Kurt Wimmer. And one Equilibrium is enough.

@aspiringexpatriate: While that may be correct that it is "The Recruit", I don't know that I consider it "Sci-fi" just because it had a computer and USB drive in it (regardless of where you put it). If computer is the only requirement for Sci-fi classification then I guess "You Got Mail" would be a romantic Sci-fi.

Heck lets throw in "Zoolander". I mean after all he destroys the "computer" at the end.

@EracMan: Which is why it confused everyone on this site. Because The Recruit isn't sci-fi. But, nevertheless, it's what that woodcutting refers to.

Also, ExistenZ rocketh muchly, as do most David Cronenberg movies. And it had Jude Law opposite Jennifer Jason Leigh alongside Ian Holm.

Just saying...

Go watch it. Then watch Eastern Promises.

Screw it. Let's pretend that one is ExistenZ anyway.

My little mind is blown, and I'm both delighted and amazed. Which is the fabled "sense of wonder" at its' best.

R2D2 makes me giggle.

@aspiringexpatriate: The trouble is, I didn't know it was The Recruit when I stuck it in here. For all I knew, it was a reinterpretation of Johnny Mnemonic with Keanu keeping the data in his butt.

@Kevin Kelly: I'm not saying it shouldn't be on here, it's a cool topic and a confusing one gave us all a puzzle. Which is very good for sci-fi geeks. Whether or not the answer was sci-fi related shouldn't matter.

Why did you leave out Farenheit 451? [www.hiero.ru] Surely that counts as Scifi?
Also, what the holy hell is going on with the crocodile one? Or the one with the blind drug dealer?

The computer-butt thing might be ExistenZ. My russian is way too rusty to translate.

@Acheman: The title of that was is War With Folly. But it does look like Fahrenheit 451.

@Poormojo: Fine. Let's call it ExistenZ just because it's a far better movie. Who cares if it's inaccurate? And yes, the implant for jacking into the game was some spinal cord implant that made it kinda look like Willem DaFoe shoved a big stick up the lead's arse. (That's what my 'spark plugs' comment referred to) As you know, I guess I'm the only one who's seen ExistenZ.

Also, no clue about those other two.

In Soviet Russia, Science Fictions You!

Wow the Spiderman one with Kirsten Dunst is kind of a glamour shot, doncha think?

@Seth L: The sad thing is, that's funny because it's true. The Party would literally purge people who caused problems or were widely hated from the records. Going so far as to removing Beria out of a photo with Stalin. See, Beria was the KGB head [might've been KDP at the time] and possibly Stalin's assassin. Well they couldn't eradicate Stalin from the record, as he won WWII. So they eradicated Beria from the record and blamed him for all of Stalin's paranoia driven orders to send everyone to Siberia.

@aspiringexpatriate: Which film would that be? I can't find a 'War With Folly' on IMDB or elsewhere. Is it a Russian film that was never released in an English-language version? In which case, does that mean that the crocodile etc probably are too, and I should stop obsessing? Because that would be strangely relieving.

@Acheman: Chances are they translated an American film with book burning into something else in Russian. It happens a lot. It might very well be Fahrenheit 451. Just saying it could be another film that had burning books.

But yeah, the crocodile one is confusing, as is the blind drug dealer.

He seems to be doing recent films though, so 451 seems a bit out of place. For all I know it's Equilibrium. Just saying, confusing and all.

Um... in the Matrix one... is he farting on a cat? I don't remember that scene.

@demonbaby: Hey Rob, when did you start gawker commenting?

[you don't know me but I've commented on your site before]

"Anykeyka the lamer presses buttons but has no idea what they do. He bought a whistle, but doesn't know which hole to put it in."

@ynguldyn: Oh. Nice. I was wondering why it didn't make a lot of sense. For the better part of the day I thought they were at least semi-serious.

WotW:

While the Martian was healthy, he gave humans the war of the worlds. He burned some people, leaving only their shirts and pants, and he caught others and chopped them into stew.

He went to the town and caught a nasty disease. Since he didn't treat it, he fell ill and turned into dust and fell on the ground.

@demonbaby: It's from the director's cut.

Schpeiderman (the word is clearly Germanized in the original, hence this spelling):

I never wash my pantyhose, which is why I always stick to the ceiling.

Here I am a spider man, I have an extra pair of hands. I hug a girl in the front, and I pour myself wine dexterously in the back.

@ynguldyn: I really appreciate all of the translations you've been providing (as do the rest of the readers here, I'm sure :)). I already thought these were great, and knowing how the text describes each plot just adds a whole new level of hilarity...

The Terminator:

Here I am a weird man and a windup dummy, my name is Terminator two, the tin head. I drink lamp oil, I ride a bike really fast, and I'm really handy with an arquebus.

I am three arshin tall, and I have wheels and springs inside.

I got into a kitchen and I broke my head all over.

The Matrix:

Here is Neo he always looks up into the sky, he avoided a bullet, but he hit his head and can't straighten up. He saw two cats and farted his pants full of gas.

I am Doctor Morpheus, I look like an Abyssinian moor, I have an iron hole like a row lock in the back of my head, I walk around plugged into a phone.

Please brother give me a pill to heal my bending and hemorrhoids.

Neo is walking and stinking, and Morpheus answers him like this: you fool asked for a pill, you're not getting anything.

(Last sentence intentionally modified into PG version.)

@ynguldyn: These translations are freaking awesome.

What's with the accordion playing slave alligator? I can't recall any movies with musically gifted gators.

I kinda proud of myself for identifying the Jean Claude Van Damme one.

@Kevin Kelly: For awhile I did not know who Colin Farrell was, as I am a guy. When my one boss who was gay would go on about him, I thought he was talking about WILL, and couldn't understand.

@aspiringexpatriate: The big reason I thought it was the Recruit was that it looks like a woman, and the chick was the one with the flash drive. I'm actually kind of upset that that movie has taken up permanent memory storage in my brain.

interesting...these look like the opening credits of Nausicaa...