io9
Science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard's most notorious space opera is the religion of Scientology, which is packed with aliens and space battles and waves of invaders to our solar system. Hubbard even referred to the cosmological timeline behind Scientology as "the space opera," and for good reason. It reads like a pretty damn trippy science fiction novel. For your edification, we've created a handy timeline (below) that compares the scientific history of the universe with the Scientology history of the universe. Who knew all that alien stuff was going on during the middle ages? And before the Big Bang?
A few notes for the uninitiated. According to Scientology, "Thetans" are aliens whose spirits live within humans today. So Thetans are kind of like proto-humans. Also, within the Scientology time frame, the biggest incidents usually involve the Thetans being traumatized with "implants" or "brainwashing" from other aliens. So you'll see a lot of references to various brainwashing incidents here, including the invention of the Christianity Implant, which Hubbard believed was a very corrosive form of mind-control. 
Illustration by Stephanie Fox.
Sources on Scientology cosmology: Wikipedia, Operation Clambake.
Comments
could we get the talented stephanie fox to produce a similar timeline for other alternative histories like judeo-christian/islam and hindu?
@tetracycloide: But none of those religions were invented by a science fiction writer, so I'm afraid they're off-topic for io9.
Thetans, like Frankenstein, don't like loud noises and fire.
I think they have a number like Quadrillion at the top so that they have a fake sounding number smaller than Kajillionbillions which is the amount of money they've siphoned off celebrities and suckers alike.
I don't know what's worse, the ridiculous time scale or the banality of most of these atrocities? Sure, being nuked (in a Volcano!) is bad but loud noises and being forced to press their face against cold glass? What a hack.
Wow, that is pretty messed up. Hubbard was one of the greats, he could shovel shit with the best of them.
People still don't really get it, "anonymous" isn't a group. It's everyone, the internet is anonymous.
The thing is that, even if I believed the Scientologists, whenever I read any of this shit, I get the sense that Thetans are huge pussies and I hate them and want them to lose.
@Gyrus: Gorilla symbols, though, are scary.
OK, wait, so when did the Thetans start living in our heads? Is that how it works?
@Sturm Truppen: Yup. But they are still a group of anonymous internetters.
@Annalee Newitz: are you kidding? john of patmos did some of the best science fiction work i've ever read, much better than that hack l. ron hubbard.
Damn! Why did you have to go and ruin a good thing, Annalee? I was really liking io9 and you had to go and bring the wrath of Xenu! Well, it was nice knowing you. Send us a postcard from whatever cornfield to which you're banished.
@moff: Well of curse they are! Give me the willies!
Who would win in a fight:
Church of Scientology
v.
Church of Jesus Christ, Scientist?
"Thetans forced to watch 3D super colassal motion picture about war and sex"?!
Those fuckers, they've already seen "AVATAR"!!!!
what about being trapped in a bag with a chicken, a snake, and a monkey?? That's a great story to use on PreClears.
Or, the ever famous brain washing while the thetan is lulled to near sleep while riding a roller coaster. the lies are whispered into the left ear of the thetan, then they are exposed to flashing lights, loud sounds, etc.
Has anyone else seen that Steve Martin flick where he plays a minister and has a bet where he inserts a randomly picked word from his staff into his sermon? They usually try to pick the most inane, unrelated words like "aluminum siding" and somehow he shoehorns the words in to win the bet. Do you get the impression good ol' L. Ron did the same thing thinking the more ludicrous the ideas the better? Seriously, the only things that look good pressed against cold plate glass are a hair of huge, fake boobies. Think about it while I take a little private time for myself...
@Annalee Newitz:
You sure about that?
....People rising from the dead...Six armed, elephant gods...Swarms of locusts..
Sounds like Lovecraft to me...
Wait, this is real? I thought it was a parody.
@SuperUnison: It's "real" in the sense that everything on the left actually happened, and everything on the right is taken directly from Scientology cosmology.
@Garrison Dean: Ha! I'm so jealous.
@Tim Faulkner: lol! Nice!
"5th Invader Force brainwashes Himalayan Humans, is exiled to Venus (where they remain) by 4th Invader Force." - Yeah, I was there... those 5th Wave guys were real jerkholes. Although nothing like those 4th Wave fellas, you should've seen Egypt back then...
what about when Raquel Welch ran around in a fur bikini?
You forgot to add that the head of Scientology has been informed that Anonymous IS the Marcab Confederacy.
Invasion time bitches!
@CmdrHunt:
So, what did these Thetans actually do to earn all these indignities? Are they like the red-headed stepchildren to the universe?
i dont believe in that scientology crap, but come on its obvious we are descended from aliens. right before we killed mars with global warming the man we call god (god was just his first name) evacuated us to earth.
darn, that was a general question, not intended as a reply to CmdrHunt...
My bad.
So basically Hollywood is run by members of a religion that has spent its history being pushed around by aggressive entities, outcast, terrorized, and attacked... and the scientologists?
There's an old story that Hubbard made up Scientology on a bet with Heinlein. I think the validity of this story is widely debated. I prefer to believe it myself.
As a thetan I find the whole thing rather offensive.
Oh, I checked and it seems that sometime 115 trillion years ago, on Thursday, the Xtabbits were said to have given the Thetans a series of severe noogies while holding them in headlocks.
Well, I'm happy to learn that heaven and christianity was invented 15 billion years ago and not just a few thousand.
Gives it SO much more credence now.
I find the writers of Stargate did a better job explaining the universe... and spinning is so much better than not spinning!
@extracrispy: It's also interesting to note that Scientology takes on a heavy nautical theme, primarily due to the fact that Hubbard spent a lot of time living on a yacht, primarily due to the fact that he had to stay in international waters to avoid getting nicked for tax evasion.
@Garrison Dean: (no subject)also where does all that "explosion" and "train" imagery come from? and the gorillas? it sounded to me like he picked images that almost everybody would have encountered as kids to make it seem like they were "universal" memories.
You would think that anyone that hears this kind of batshiat crazy stuff would run away from a religion like this, but apparently they suck people in by saying they're "auditing" their personalities. By the time you find out about all the nonsense, you're probably so invested (emotionally and financially) that you just hang out hoping to meet Tom Cruise.
NSA founded 56 years ago? 1st H-bomb tested 56 years ago? Which came first?
How come ninjas are missing from the time line?
@Bancho: Those bastards!
@Dr. Spaceman: Scientologists; the Christian Scientists can't go to doctors, so the Scientologists just need to wound a few.
Where is the x-tian outrage? (snicker)
Shouldn't some zealot be here telling us that this is a comparison of sci-fi vs. sci-fi?
Could a Linux or Apple zealot please stand up and play the role of x-tian zealot just for this once?
pretty please?!?!?!
@BlacklistedJoe: Not sure which came first by month, but both happened in 1952.
Christianity was "Invented" 14 billion years before it was practiced? That is quite a long-con
@axiomatic: SCREW GOD IT'S OPENBSD ALL THE WAY SUCKAS! There, how was that?
@Frozen-Tex: But if you just wing them, won't you just turn them into Unitarians?
don't be a theta hayta.
@Annalee Newitz: (Deep bow) thank you, your performance was commendable. ;-)
@axiomatic: Thanks. I'm an OpenBSD user, so it wasn't all show.
Well, Alex DeLarge did find that movie pretty disturbing, and I do find the coffee grinder hypnotic, and cold surfaces do make me sleepy...you know, so I can see where there coming from.
But what about the clowns? Loud noises and gorillas are one thing, but there has to be a place in there for those damned clowns!
@Annalee Newitz: Since when are science fiction stories off-topic here?