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The greatest tacticians in space don't just use high-energy beams and force shields, they use psychology. And the best interstellar smack-downs start with the trash talking before a single shot is fired. Whether it's Kirk mocking Khan's superior intellect or Adama growling into the space-phone, nothing improves a shootout in space like a good calling-you-out speech. Watch our medley of clips, and then read our list of the greatest taunts and shouts of defiance in interstellar combat.
The greatest tacticians in space don't just use high-energy beams and force shields, they use psychology. And the best interstellar smack-downs start with the trash talking before a single shot is fired. Whether it's Kirk mocking Khan's superior intellect or Adama growling into the space-phone, nothing improves a shootout in space like a good calling-you-out speech. Watch our medley of clips, and then read our list of the greatest taunts and shouts of defiance in interstellar combat.
Starblazers. Desslok, leader of the Gamilons, tried to crush the puny humans over and over again, but finally lost his empire. So in season two, he decided to take revenge on the crew of the Yamato, who defeated his ambitions. He finally catches up to them in an episode auspiciously titled "Desslok's Victory," and pounds them with his gunships. Then he surrounds the Yamato with magnetic mines before the humans can fire their famous Wave Motion Gun. And then taunts his adversaries mercilessly. "Go on, take a shot." Ha ha ha ha. (I know it's sacrilege, but I actually prefer this scene in the English dubbed version.)
Battlestar Galactica. It takes less than an episode for things to go south between the Galactica and the newly discovered Battlestar Pegasus. Admiral Cain decides to execute the Chief and Helo, leading to a tense confrontation complete with the whirly cam. Commander Adama shows why you don't mess with Galactica, with his terse "I'm getting my men" speaking volumes. And then the phone comes down, because the space battle is on.
Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan. Star Trek pretty much perfected the art of hailing-frequencies bravado, as early as "Balance of Terror"'s Romulan Sub-Commander Tal. "Your ship is surrounded, Captain. You will surrender immediately, or we will destroy you." With Kirk responding, "Save your threats. If you board this ship, I'll blow it up. You'll gain nothing." But Trek's masterpiece of comm-taunting has to be TWoK, where Kirk keeps needling Khan's poor marksmanship, until finally he lures him into a disabling nebula by laughing at his superior intellect. "We tried it once your way, Khan. Are you game for a rematch?" The script says: "Khan's eyes bulge." And they do.
Serenity. This one's a bit different. Chiwetel Ejiofor's Operative is mournful and regretful after he slaughters dozens (maybe hundreds) of innocents to get to Mal. But he still needles Mal via the viewscreen, suggesting that all the carnage is Mal's fault. And he's successful in goading Mal to take rash action — just not maybe the action he was hoping for. 
Avengers #94, part of the Kree-Skrull War saga. The Skrull emperor appears on a view screen to warn the Avengers that the Kree warrior, Mar-Vell, is creating the ultimate weapon, an Omni-Wave Projector. And then when the humans don't respond to his threats fast enough, the emperor launches Plan Delta, which sends an all-consuming fireball spiralling towards Earth.
Farscape, "Die Me, Dichotomy." In the second season cliffhanger, Scorpius takes over Crichton's brain via a neural chip, and the mind-controlled Crichton tricks Aeryn into letting him go. She chases after his module in her Prowler, leading to a harsh exchange. Scorpius asks her how the skull fracture is doing, and she threatens to shoot him down. "Make no mistake." Scorpius/John replies: "I believe you'll pull the trigger. I just don't believe - you'll hit anything." And then he goes into a dive. Sadly, this is just a few moments before Aeryn takes her chair-dive into the frozen lake.
Halo 3, "The Crow's Nest" level. The Chief and Johnson reach the Command Center and start making plans to attack Truth's army, but then Truth appears on all screens and says: "You are, all of you, vermin. Cowering in the dirt, thinking...what, I wonder? That you might escape the coming fire? No! Your world will burn until its surface is but glass! And not even your Demon will live to creep, blackened, from its hole to mar the reflection of our passage; the culmination of our Journey. For your destruction is the will of the gods! And I? I AM their instrument!" Okay, so that's not a space battle. But I love that speech.
Galaxy Quest. Jason and Sarris have many great confrontations over the viewscreen, including the first one, where Jason thinks Sarris is just acting, and the second one, where Jason calls Sarris stupid and ugly because he thinks the sound is off. But the best, by far, is the final jaw-dropping confrontation. Sarris reminds Jason that he's a General, who's seen war and death that Jason can't imagine, and Sarris won't blink no matter what. (This scene is lengthier in the original script, actually.) But Jason retorts that it doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one, and Sarris is sweating. And then we get to the classic exchange, "You fool. What you fail to realize is that without your armor my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper." To which Jason responds: "Yeah. Well what you fail to realize is... I'm dragging mines."
Babylon 5, "Between The Darkness And The Light. We're totally embarrassed that we missed this crucial showdown between Earthforce and Susan Ivanova, and super grateful that commenters Michael and BcBeBop pointed it out to us. I am going to start calling myself "the right hand of vengeance" and "the boot up your ass" in the same breath now:
Doctor Who, "Bad Wolf." Another one we're embarrassed we missed originally. Thanks to commenter AspiringExpatriate for pointing it out! I love how Christopher Eccleston's Doctor is just like, "No." As if it's not even worth arguing. It mirrors his awesome "No" in "The Long Game" when The Editor asks that long-winded philosophical question about whether a slave is still a slave if he doesn't know he's a a slave. I have to admit, every time I watch this scene I wonder why the Daleks don't just say, "Okay then," and exterminate Rose right then and there.
So what classic space talk-downs did we miss? Feel free to let us know in the comments, but only in the most trash-talking, mouth-running, space-taunting way possible. You fools! We're laughing at your superior intellects.
Comments
What, no mention of Voltron's challenge? Volotron - Represent!
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Jeez. There had to be one for Stargate, but damned if I can think of one. Sorry, CJ.
I have to say--that scene in Galaxy Quest is one of my favorites.
@nmcvaugh: I have been wasting my life, b/c I missed that episode of Robot Chicken. I am humbled.
@braak: I actually think it works better than the more verbose scripted version.
@RRich: That's okay... just as long as someone doesn't come along and say, "You forgot that awesome scene in Stargate!" :)
@braak: ditto.
Bruce Campbell from "MOONTRAP"
"We dont take shit off no machine!"
Hey Charlie have you ever been mistaken for a man?
(Charlie addressing random new commenter) No, have you?
Tons of other stuff in Aliens. Ripley's tell of to Burke about Aliens not fucking over their own species for a perecentage, and also, Hudson's classic death scene, which I hope, my own death mirrors, at least, in the sense of the dialogue.
The smack-talking in 'Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan' is wonderful. In my film studies class last school semester, I wrote a paper of the dynamics of the whole KHAAANN!! scene and entitled it, "KHAAANN!!: The Impotent Rage of Captain Kirk". I need to revise it some time and publish it somewhere.
That Voltron clip made me happy in places I didn't know I had.
If I recall correctly, somewhere in Dan Simmon's Ilium/Olympus saga the Moravecs (really cool robot folks) utter the phrase "Neener, neener, neener!"
"From Hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."
@Im a people person. Who drinks.: I do love those scenes from Aliens... not sure if they count as space-battle trash talk though...
@Lizfu: Luckily Kirk's rage discovered Viagra by the time Star Trek V rolled around. Sorry, couldn't resist....
@Charlie Jane Anders: Yeah - I saw smack talk and thought of Aliens instead of seeing space battle smack talk. On the plus side - it made me think of all those awesome lines in Aliens, on the down side, I've revealed that I can't read.
@Charlie Jane Anders: Yeah - I guess they really aren't. I saw smack talk and thought of Hudson's scene, instead of seeing space battle smack talk. On the plus side - that scene, and all of Aliens does kick ass. On the negative - I've revealed I can't read...
@Im a people person. Who drinks.: And aslo - that I can't enter comments well either....
Galaxy Quest was a kick ass film IMHO. Of course, I do have a love of Alan Rickman. But Tim Allen really showed some dramatic chops in that film.
While technically planetside and not a space battle, Alia's taunting of Emperor Shaddam IV and Vladimir Harkkonnen is, well, more disturbing than evil, but creepy nonetheless.
Sorry - I could never find Khan intimidating in the least having watched that infamous escapist tv series which always started with:
"Boss Da Plane! da Plane!"
"My dear guests! I am Mr. Roarke, your host. Welcome... to Fantasy Island! Tattoo, show our guests to..."
On the opposite end of the spectrum is Arnold Rimmer's spineless:
"This is Acting Captain Arnold J. Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation. Now hear this, 'cause it's only coming once:
"We surrender! Totally and unequivocally, and under the Geneva convention demand our rights to be taken as prisoners without harm to our persons or property. Thank you for listening, sorry for taking up your valuable time... sorry, thank you, bye, sorry, bye... bye, sorry..."
Star Trek TNG:
Best of Both Worlds Borg Battle.
Picard/Locutis: Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.
Riker: Give it your best shot.
Am I the only one who immediately thought of Babylon 5's awesome season 3 episode "Severed Dreams"? After the station and two friendly destroyers barely fend of an attack by Clarke's forces, another wave arrives to finish the job. Then, Delenn and four big, nasty Minbari cruisers come to the rescue:
Delenn: This is Ambassador Delenn of the Minbari. Babylon 5 is under our protection. Withdraw or be destroyed.
Clarke's Bad Guy Officer: Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship.
Delenn: Why not? Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari Fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.
They withdraw. Schmack.
Actually, what this threat indicates to me is how very few actual space battle shows/films there have been ... pity really.
@Marcus: Brilliant scene! Thanks for the reminder!
Buck Rogers and Hawk when they first meet... classic.
Buck's got Hawk's mate captive after he finds the notorious space pirate's mate in his cave, Hawk finds them flying away, maneuvers above Buck, smack talk ensues, Hawk don't back down and shishkebob's his own mate with the talons of his bird-like starfighter as he bears down on Buck's starfighter. Buck's all... told ya, sucker. She dies of course, so Hawk Mad. Hawk want to kill Buck. Naturally they become allies and best friends by end of the two parter.
@Marcus: @Marcus: I *knew* I was forgetting something from Babylon 5...
Doctor Who 'Bad Wolf'
Dalek: We have your associate. You will obey or she will be exterminated.
The Doctor: No.
[everyone looks at The Doctor, stunned]
Dalek: Explain yourself.
The Doctor: I said no.
Dalek: What is the meaning of this negative?
The Doctor: It means no!
Dalek: But she will be destroyed!
The Doctor: *No*! 'Cause this is what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna rescue her! I'm gonna save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dalek fleet, and then I'm gonna save the Earth, and *then* - just to finish you off - I'm gonna wipe every last stinking Dalek out of the sky!
Dalek: But you have no weapons, no defences, no *plan*!
The Doctor: Yeah, and doesn't that scare you to death?
[taken from imdb]
@Pham Nuwen: Oh Hell yeah. As goofy as the Searcher episodes were (not that the non-Searcher ones didn't have their share of goof), I always really liked Hawk (and Thom Christopher, despite that whole "Space Pirates" thing).
And, for the record, I found Ivanova's "right hand of vengeance" speech from "Between the Darkness and the Light" to be kind of goofy and melodramatic, though it's definitely space battle smack talk as well.
@Marcus:
Yeah! Delenn's most memorable moment.
My favorite ever, from Babylon 5: Between the Darkness and the Light:
Susan Ivanova: This is the White Star fleet. Negative on the surrender. We will not stand down.
Captain Thomson, Earthforce: Who is this? Identify yourself!
Ivanova: Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart! I am Death Incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me.
What, no "All Your Base Are Belong To Us"?
I setup an account specifically so I could post this clip:
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@Charlie Jane Anders: Yeah, I'm a rather rabid B5 fan, so I'll be chiming in to let you know about any five-mile-long-space-station-shaped holes in any lists that may come up.
@Marcus: Probably my favorite scene in all of Babylon 5.
@LordMaim:
@ManchuCandidate:
@SavannahJack: Yeah. No matter how many times I see it, it always sends chills down my spine and makes me want to sling a righteous beatdown on somebody evil. With a cricket bat.
@Marcus: Yeah, I just re-discovered Buck and the Gang recently on Netflix. Some of it has aged really well and other parts of it... were more rotten than aged. Funny references in the Searcher episodes to Isaac Asimov, which I did not catch when I was 10.
What about the scene where the aliens were tweaking Janeway's brain to experiment and she aims the ship in between the binary stars. Does that count?
@Pham Nuwen: I've always had a stubborn loyalty to Buck Rogers since Gil Gerard graduated from my high school. Some of the episodes are actually quite good, though any with wacky light-snake dancing are automatically horrid, no matter what the plot.
Cain, however, is ALWAYS cool.
Loved B5. Really miss it a lot. Sure wish there was something remotely like it on TV these days.
Gimme a good ol' space opera any day (preferably Saturday late afternoon/early evening).
ST:TNG Episode "The Defector":
Picard has a great moment with Romulan Commander Tomalok over the viewscreen. Tomalok has surrounded the Enterprise with three warbirds and has told Picard that he will display the Enterprise's broken hull in the Romulan capital as a message to anyone else that would cross the Neutral Zone. He asks Picard why he should let his crew die so senselessly.
Picard responses "That if the cause is just, his people are prepared to give their lives for it. Are you prepared to give your life for this cause?" harkening back to the play "King Lear" Data was practicing earlier.
Tomalok says he expects more than idle threats from Picard. Picard states, "Then you shall have it. Mr Worf, now."
Worf signals for three friendly Kingon birds of prey who had been covertly escorting the Enterprise under cloak to de-cloak. Tomalok's face drops. Seeing HE is now surrounded, Tomalok says the Enterprise shall not survive the initial assault. Picard responds, "Neither will you. Shall we die together?"
Tomalok, his bluff called, cloaks his three warbirds and withdraws.
The fact Patrick Stewart never got an Emmy is unforgivable.
@RRich: Firefly was every bit as good, but Fox turned its head into a canoe, of course. The new Battlestar Galactica is the closest out there right now, but J. Mike (that's J. Michael Straczynski, creator of B5 (I have a problem assuming a priori knowledge)) is brewing up some new stuff, apparently, so be watching for that.
For the record, I do not have Mr. Straczynski's permission to refer to him as "J. Mike". One simply tires of "JMS".
@EBone: Ooo. Good one. I was trying to come up with a Picard one, but couldn't remember any. Nailed it. Patrick Stewart is nothing less than an out-gorram-standing actor.
I think I totally misused "a priori" up there...
@Marcus: Cain, Princess Ardala and Princess Ardala's outfits... very cool, very hot, and the best thing a 10 year old boy could possibly want, in that order.
Speaking of badly decomposed cheese, how about Tiger Man, Ardala's pet muscle man from the Pilot? Where did they find him, in a Mexican wrestling ring? Homeboy did not even need a mask, he was just a freak.
@Pham Nuwen: Mmmmm...Princess Ardala...drool...
You think Buck would have tapped that at least once. Gil Gerard would have.
@Pham Nuwen: Holy damn. I had completely forgotten about Tiger Man. What a stereotypical product of seventies sci-fi television. According to IMDb, there were two. One of them (Tigerman 1), that was all he ever did, and the other (Tigerman 2, who was the one who appeared beyond the pilot) is dead (from complications arising from stroke and broken neck, apparently).
And let me just say it REALLY annoys me when people post off-topic on these things.
Oh.
Um, there was really good smack talk in that one episode, "Buck Talks Smack to The Little Blue Midget from Season 2".
Yeah.
@Lizfu: I would love to read that!
Battlestar Galactica ep "Scar"
Starbuck: "All right, Scar, let's see how much you like playing chicken when you can't download, bitch. How's it feel, you bastard? one of us is gonna have to break away first and it isn't gonna be me!"
Scar:
@EBone: If ever there was a Porn Heaven, that would be on the shelves - as a double laser disc. A double D if you will.
In fact if I ever get a chance to visit Khan's Fantasy Island, I know what I would request (and no, Gil Gerard would not be involved, sorry Buck.).
@EBone: He did, didn't he? Albeit in clone/android form, IIRC...
It's a shame Lando didn't get a scene of trash-talking with the Emperor as he leads the attack on the second Death Star. That would have been a sweet verbal duel. Instead, we have Ackbar's anti-trash talk: "It's a trap. Get us the hell out of here."
as early as "Balance of Terror"'s Romulan Sub-Commander Tal.
This is from the third season episode "The Enterprise Incident", not (the much better) first season Balance.
@DarkPlaces: As much as I like the new BSG, that episode disappointed me. "Scar" was such a rip-off of "Chiggy von Richtoffen" in the Space: Above and Beyond episode "Never No More". Good quote, though.