I've been watching Cloverfield and...ahem...practicing.

No option involving peanut butter and the family pet?

"most reputable futurists agree"

Okay.
Name them.

Chances are that any alien a human gets to meet will not be humanoid.

That said, I wouldn't be surprised if someone, somewhere wants to try to have sex with it, but I doubt it will be someone in a position to do so.

I've been watching documentaries on Stan Winston and the Real Doll company, and have pieced together my own alien sex tube out of a can of Pringles, some foam, and a sandwich baggie.

I learned last week that if someone with a uterus portrays them self as a man then they are a man.
So those couple of days last summer I spent porking my old lady while she wore a Predator mask totally means that I have already bridged the Human-Alien doin-it gap. And let me tell you if breaking the prime directive is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Oh, and I just picked up the talking Optimus Prime mask for a steal, so pretty soon I'll have robots covered too.

boosh.

@Plague: Name one.

SWM looking for 5 eyed, 10 tentacled (Not 12, I don't go there), teal skinned Plutonian. I want to explore your black nebula with my red dwarf. Please send telepathic hologram image. Catholic background a plus. NO FREAKS.

The aliens better look like hot humans, because why else would you want to have sex with them? Sex with anything that actually looks alien is about as interesting as sex with animals. Now where's my little lamb off to now...?

We need to start working on "adapters".

Wow, not one alien abduction joke?

K, I'll drop one. I'm going to go chat with some of those alien abduction victims from Alabama. Seems they already have a fair idea of how it works.

@Dr. Spaceman:
Name any?

@Plague:

Isn't being a futurist like being a doctor before the AMA? Just hang a sign and prognosticate.

Contortionism for me. I can bend over backwards and stand on my head. By that I mean my head on the ground, my feet on my head. I can't touch my toes forwards. I can backwards.

Perfect for the reverse jointed people of the future.

Will there be future alien vd clinics?

@Evdor:
Oh please...That can hardly be considered sex and all. On the first date? The fun doesn't really happen till close encounters of the third base.

As "Crewman Number Six" said in "Galaxy Quest": "Oh *that's* not right."

What Am I Doing To Prepare For Human-Alien Sex? I'm having sex to the crusty woman selling a dozen oranges for a dollar at the freeway off-ramp.

@Evdor:
How about this?

+ Watch video

As Crewman Number Six said "Oh *that's* not right. "

@Slothrop:
Oh, so it's like being a psychic then?
You know, you make predictions and then no one calls BS on you a year later when they don't come true...

@Plague & Dr. Spaceman: I think it was a joke, you guys.

I sure hope alien ladies know how to make Earth sandwiches, because after I've completed my launch sequence, I'm not gonna want some crappy alien sandwich.

@Plague:

exactly. and you can always say that it's a long term projection. We may not live to see it, but by golly, one day, there will be molecular transport and faster than light travel. We just live in a really boring age, so no one from the future wants to come visit. or take our jerbs.

@OldDog1: Opps

I'll just use my super photoshop skills to print out a fake certificate of "exemplary sexual ferocity", maybe make a photo of Al Gore handing it too me too; and lie my way to the space-sakes many a times. They're aliens, they don't know our culture.

@moff:
I take my "reputable futurists" very seriously.

I'm playing a ton of Second Life and subsequently adopting a belief system that says the purpose for everything in the universe regardless of form or original function is my arousal.

@Ghede: Call me.

Whoa, no Cocoon references?
You guys are slippin.

Brace yourself, what is alien races don't have sex? What if they are all just a bunch of worker bees?

I was going to point out the necessity of a poll option for "Having sex with as many species on Earth as possible". But several other posters have beaten me to the bestiality jokes. Oh, well.

What we really need to do has nothing to do with preparing ourselves. We need to pave the way for our society to accept human-alien relations. Because you know the preachers would get all fiery over the existence of real blue-skinned alien lesbians.

@deckard97: Brah.. If I gotta bag a queen, it's what I'll do.

@Garrison Dean:
HAAA HAAAAA HAA!!! You are TOO stupid!

I've seen enough Japanese comics: I'm stretching, every entry and exit.

@spacedcowboy: Thank you.

I'm currently (110v) having a deeply meaningful relationship with my toaster. It's german and does what I tell it to do. Mmmmm, toasty. It's my practice run, so when I meet the Cylon of my dreams I'll know just what not to do (for instance, water-based lube is just asking for trouble). Shocking!

And I just started playing Mass Effect again today!

@Huxleyhobbes: I've been playing it for a few weeks now... and I finally had to watch the YouTube clip to figure out how to bag the alien chic. The secret is to go Renegade instead of Paragon. Nice guys really do finish last.

I always imagine aliens as being hot females in skimpy bikini's, you know, like that South Park from ages ago where they sniff cat spray...

@Epaminondas: OMG yeah totally. Do you remember that ep?

Working on my come-back lines:

1. Really? Earth women hate to cuddle.
2. Really? Earth women always want you to go home after sex.
3. Really? Earth women say it's huge!
4. Really? Earth women always require a threesome with another woman.
5. Really? Earth women always swollow, They say it's the best part.
6. Really? Earth women like it quick. The faster the better.
7. Really? Earth women hate it when you share your feelings afterward.
8. Really? Earth women hate forplay.
9. Really? Earth women never want you to call later.

(swallow), Alien chicks "swollow". It's like swallowing but they use their gloc-nors to do it.

No tentacle hentai option? Odd.

Shouldn't these be check boxes instead of radio buttons? I read plenty of Who smut and do yoga.

Whenever possible I have sex with extremely freaky and inhuman looking people.

Susan Ivanova has option 4 down:
[Ambassador Correlilmerzon insists on sex to cement the Earth-Lumati alliance. Ivanova does a bizarre song and dance which she claims is human-style sex.]
Susan Ivanova:
Boom! Shabba-labba-labba.
Boom! Shabba-labba-labba.
Hey there, hey there, three bags full!
You come here often? Yes! I do!
. . .
I slept with you the other night.
You didn't call, you didn't write!
I think you did it just for SPITE!
Oh! Yes… oh, yes! Oh, YES! OH! YES!
Tell me about your portfolio!
Oh, YES! YES! YES! YES!
Lie to me about your family…
. . .
[She finishes with a shriek and a compliment.]
Correlilmerzon: What do I do now?
Ivanova: Old style, you roll over and go to bed. New style, you go out for pizza, I never see you again.
--------------------------------------------------------

[Ivanova gets a parting gift and note from Correlilmerzon.]
Sheridan: What's it say?
Ivanova: "Next time…my way."
Sheridan: Commander, is there something you'd like to tell me?

Thanks, Wikiquote!
[en.wikiquote.org]

@Plague: "reputable futurist" is something of an oxymoron, isn't it?

After all, this guys would have been on the list at one point:
[www.drtomorrow.com]

@Plague: Um, Zaphod Beeblebrox? Yoda? The Merovingian?

Also, I am re-reading Extraterrestrial Sex Fetish. [supervert.com]

All I know, it will all either be one huge, std free orgy because of the incompatibilities between human and alien stds (Really, what is the hiv virus going to do to green blood cells that look like swiss cheese?) or its going to be a giant necro-orgy, because the viruses will be super effective ala War of the Worlds, instant death.

And that reminds me. In WotW, our bugs kill them, but they didn't end up introducing any martian bugs to the earth atmosphere???

Sorry, my species does not practice rishathra.

Bestiality and tentacle porn jokes aside, seriously though, will this really even be possible?

For a human to get all hot and bothered there needs to be certain stimuli present. What if they aren't there? Yes, sex is mostly mental but at some point there needs some basic level of stimulus there for the mental feedback loops to sustain themselves. I've heard of people who claim to be able think themselves into orgasm but most of us aren't so lucky.

If these creatures look like strangely shaped crystals, smell like turpentine or their fornication involves consuming the head of their mate it's just not gonna work for me. Call me square but it will throw off my concentration.

I am confident in mankind at large and the uncanny ability that it has to come up with new and perverted ways to satisfy itself. I vote for a conference headed by Shatner. He should know what to do.

That last option may explain the recent stories about people having sex with bicycles, picnic tables, etc. They should probably step up the technology level a bit, though.

If you could find a way to have sex with every animal on Earth, you would be as about as well-prepared as you could reasonably get. And I know that is a stretch of the word "reasonably".