Top 10 Signs You Might Be An Alien Sleeper AgentS

So you've always felt like you don't quite belong. Your friends and coworkers all talk about their normal human stuff, and you nod your head as if it makes sense to you. But really, you've always felt as if you were meant for something different. Could you be an alien infiltrator, sent to Earth to prepare the way for an invasion with a false body and memories? Or are you just a weirdo? Take our quiz and find out!

Top 10 Signs You Might Be An Alien Sleeper AgentS

Give yourself one exo-skeletal attachment for every one of these that applies to you:

1) Weird bits of alien hardware pop out of your body during sex, or when you're in an uncomfortably crowded bus or train.

2) You sometimes catch yourself referring to your projects at work as "conquest modules," and your boss as your "overlord leader."

3) You sometimes see a dot-matrix text display scrolling in front of your eyes, consisting almost entirely of synonyms for "radical nephrectomy," followed by "(Y/N)".

4) This body, while serviceable and even capable of experiencing satisfactory levels of pleasure on occasion (double-fudge brownies), is not your real body, which you have a distinct sense should weigh several hundred pounds more and have many more spikes and sensory organs.

5) Your allergies are rare and inexplicable, and your doctor (whom the scrolling eye-text has dubbed "Expendable Meat-Polyp #237") has advised you to avoid wheat, dairy, kale and seafood. And hair.

6) The man at the corner grocery store keeps staring at your neck while informing you that all is nearly in readiness. And asking if you've decided which of the humanimals you will keep as a pet afterwards.

7) You have strange blackouts, periods of a few minutes of a few hours during which you can remember nothing. They usually end with you covered in blood and naked except for a "TRENTON IS FOR UNDERACHIEVERS" T-shirt. You can never remember having been to Trenton, but you own many of these T-shirts.

8) Whenever you enjoy a book, movie or piece of music, you find yourself tagging it for preservation.

9) You work in the insurance industry, and understand actuarial tables.

10) Your basement is full of cages containing the last survivors of all the planets you've wiped out before this one, and occasionally you go down there to taunt them or make them do tricks for you.

If you answered "Yes, but it will do you no good to know, future vassal/protein sludge" to more than two or three of these statements, then please go find another planet to subjugate. We're working as fast as we can to make this one of no value to anybody, including ourselves.