Liveblogging the Battlestar Premiere

Later this evening, I will be joining a group of anonymous Battlestar fans at an undisclosed San Francisco location. Ice cream will be eaten. And then the screen will glow, and I will begin to liveblog the awesomest science fiction television moment of 2008. The fourth and final season of Battlestar! Look for the liveblog under the fold, starting roughly at 10 PM PST. I will be continuously updating throughout the show, just so you can get that "I was there with the ice cream" feeling.

First observation of the evening: people with wine and a Tivo are hard to organize.

OH: Omigod it's starting — hold my hand!

I've never gotten the whole Starbuck as artist subplot. She draws giant circles everywhere?

OH (from a lawyer): Goddamn lawyers!

OK they are officially saying that they are cylons, OK? Tyrol and crew know they are cylons.

Damn I like a show that starts out right away with a nice battle. And there's Starbuck! Spouting bullshit about Earth!

Great to see that spiny Base Station again. And the president looks all commanding on the bridge.

Tigh shoots Adama? Everybody in the room stands up and screams NOOOOOOOO! Dudes, I call dream sequence.

This is what I like: seeing Anders having doubts about whether he's a sleeper agent. This season is going to be interesting.

OK, are those new cannons on the Battlestar? I don't know if I've seen them before. Nice explosion.

"600 souls on that ship," says the president. So we've already lost 600 people 10 minutes into the show.

Anders freaking out is a great new twist. I love this bit with the Raider giving him the eye. Did it scan him? Activate him?

OH: NICE! Yeah! They just wanted to do that to him!

Everybody cheers as the moaning credits come up.

Entering the realm of Baltar worshipers. Baltar IS a sex god. It's the nubile hottie religion. Looks good — shiny lights, ladies in Stevie Nicks outfits, beads — just like Burning Man! "Well I could stay for a bit!"

Starbuck homecoming ain't so fresh. Only Lee wants to hug her. She found Earth, but unfortunately she's also been gone in nowhere zone for 7 months. Wow, so confusing. Thank god we're back in the sex god zone now.

"I'm praying for your sick son," says Baltar. I like how he works the messiah thing in such a craven way. But Six is looking a little too corporate in that red suit. How 'bout a little imaginary cylon nookie? Luckily he can use his hot monotheism to get some love from one of his nubile disciples.

Monotheistic sex is the best!

Why would anybody think Starbuck WASN'T a cylon??? Seriously dudes what the hell. She's been gone for 7 months, came back in a ship that is a perfect duplicate of her old Viper, doesn't remember anything, and is babbling about gas giants with rings. What would the explanation be if it's not a cylonic resurrection?

Tigh says: Baltar's cylon detector was a crock! He should know.

During the commercial break, we hit on some possible explanations for Starbuck. If she's not a cylon:
1. She was grabbed and sent back by V'ger
2. She's a clone
3. She was the first hybrid

"Gaius can you hold me?" Now it's time for all the hot folk rock looking ladies to be sad about the dying kid. I wish somebody would play a Cat Stevens song right now.

When you say, "I guess the one true god doesn't want him to live," it's like the ultimate passive aggressive monotheist moment.

ANYBODY STILL HEARING THAT FRAKKING SONG? Thank the one true god, no.

Anders connects the dot: "Maybe I was programmed to leave my gun safeties on."

Tigh has a good point about the difference between knowing you are a sleeper agent and not knowing. That's the one difference between the final four and the original Boomer. Damn, this is totally my favorite subplot.

Now the president is visiting Caprica Six. Six is wearing quite a nice little teeny spaghetti strap dress. Perfect jail outfit. Why doesn't she just make out with the president instead of talking mystically about her programming. "I try not to think about your creamy neck, President Roslin." Get rid of that hetero programming, Six, and make your move!

Gaeta Gaeta Gaeta!!!!!! He is the hottest.

OK back to the plot. Duh nobody believes you Starbuck. You are either a frakkin cylon, or something made by V'ger.

So now Starbuck also has a mystic mumbo jumbo relationship with the course to Earth? Why is she even on the bridge? SHE'S A DAMN CYLON.

Fucking awesome new Iron Man commercial. Oh wait, is that an ad for the Marines? What am I watching? Ad for movie or ad for something else using the movie? So confused. So it's an ad for Sci Fi Channel?

"Should I believe my heart or my eyes?" asks Adama. I will not make the joke about believing your ass. Because it's not even funny.

Hey, so the President is staying in Adama's quarters? Whoo, Adama.

I feel like every episode has one Adama or the other handing a gold chevron to somebody and saying, "We need you in the fleet."

"I've had some feelers from the government — there's a position opening up," says Lee. Well, at least Dad knows something about feelers from the government . . . heh heh.

A lot of this episode is all, "What if your friends were Cylons? Would that change how you feel?" It's like a Cylon tolerance training film. "Don't hate on the Cylon . . . they could be your kids!" I want to form PFOC, parents and friends of cylons. We can carry a special banner and march in the Cylon Pride March!

WTF is Baltar on about "Take me make me suffer"? He's having a conscience attack? Wait, is he putting on a show or does he really believe what he's saying. All I know for sure is that he is Mr. Extra Super Creepy.

As Baltar shaves, someone cries, "Well THANK GOD." Seriously getting rid of that beard was a good move. Too bad Baltar is about to be totally creamed by this dude with the dead kid. Luckily he has the power of nubile folk rock girl on his side!!!

I really would be OK if I never saw another scene of Baltar's face being wet from tears, sweat, shaving water, or blood.

Wow, folk rock girl is a total ninja. Piped!!!

That was quite the smiting.

OK fuck little Derrick and his being spared. Let's get back to the whole Burning Man naked girl cult sex.

Love this scene with Anders being all sensitive and Starbuck being a dick. "Is it possible they grew another me?" asks Starbuck. Another cool question. Anders says, "It doesn't change who you are."

Lawyers in the room observe: "Actually it does change who you are."

I love Starbuck telling Anders, "If you were a cylon I put a bullet through your head." Doesn't she remember the whole Leoben thing? She can shoot Anders but he'll keep coming back.

Everybody here thinks Starbuck can't be a cylon.

WHAT IS REVEALED??? Asks everyone in the room. WHAT THE HELL????

OK, here are our theories:
1. Final cylon will be Adama's wife. She'll come back and we'll discover that Lee is the first hybrid.
2. Starbuck is a hybrid. Her dad was on the front in the cylon war. This makes her whole thing with Lee kind of incestuous and ookie.
3. Adama is a cylon
4. It's too obvious to make Starbuck a cylon
5. They might bring a new character in to be the fifth cylon, and that would totally suck

I just want to point out that the plot next episode about the Raiders being lobotomized is super interesting.

Now our conversation has degenerated into speculating which person among us is a cylon.

That is all. Good night, and sweet monotheistic dreams about sentient lobotomized spaceships!