io9
They've been feared and hated since they first appeared 45 years ago, but for certain members of the Uncanny X-Men, there's another reaction that's much more suitable: Outright derision. Sure, not every character that the creators of Marvel's comic, movie, cartoon and cake franchise can have the staying power and fanbase of Wolverine or Kitty Pryde, but some of the mutants that have belonged to the team in its various incarnations have just been plain embarrassing. It's time that we celebrate some of the most useless X-Men of all time.
5. Gateway: Less a character than a plot device with two legs - although he was sitting down so often you could rarely tell - Gateway took the "silent man of mystery" role to all new levels during his time with the team, barely speaking but always somehow magically knowing whether to send the rest of the X-Men with his magical teleportation powers without having to be asked back when they lived in the Australian outback and pretended to be dead. Years after they moved back to the US, Gateway was revealed to be the omnipotent keeper of all human knowledge, and then he was killed. Because, apparently, all human knowledge didn't include "how to avoid being killed."
4. Thunderbird: A character so pointless that he himself pointed out how pointless he was in his third appearance, right before being blown up in an exploding aircraft. It was probably meant to be poignant proof that being a hero can sometimes mean that you get blown up, but in reality, all his death did was make fans realize that it's a bad idea to hang onto the outside of an aircraft when it's about to explode. Seriously, outside of his brother Warpath (Their parents liked to give interesting names to their children, apparently), no-one can even remember what Thunderbird's powers were without checking Wikipedia.
3. X-23: There are many plus points to Wolverine's cloned hooker daughter, but sadly none of them are for originality. Or, for that matter, for anything beyond the amusement factor of her being Wolverine's cloned hooker daughter. It's not enough that Marvel came up with the idea of Wolverine having a teenage female clone of himself hanging around, they also had to make her a prostitute catering to masochists in order to cater to the fanboys for whom fantasizing about fucking a teenage female clone of Wolverine just wasn't kinky enough.
2. Slipstream: With the 2001 first appearance of this character - along with his sister, who went under the superhero name "Lifeguard" - Norrin Radd was stripped of the title of "Only superhero whose gimmick is a surfboard". Yes, Slipstream followed in the footsteps and, well, slipstream, of the Silver Surfer with his "warp wave" teleportation powers that were triggered by the use of his special surfboard. Despite his father being the godfather of Australian organized crime (Yes, I don't know why Australia and lame teleporters seems to be a theme here, either) and his being half-alien, Slipstream nonetheless failed to set the world on fire and was depowered within five years of his first appearance.
1. Angel: Yes, I know he was one of the first X-Men and that he's been around for years, but still, you have to face it - Angel sucks. Handsome, rich, and gifted with giant wings that he used to strap to his body so that he could wear a suit in public, Warren Worthington III has long been one of the least interesting characters in the world of the X-Men. He was so dull, in fact, that even turning him blue and replacing his wings with razor-sharp metal ones failed to make him interesting because, let's face it, "I can fly!" really doesn't measure up to "I can shoot laser beams out my eyes" or "I can turn to organic steel and punch shit". The fact that he's still around today is either proof that the nostalgia of comic creators is incredibly strong or that Stan Lee has some wonderful royalty deal making sure that all of his creations stick around while he's still alive. If the X-Men truly are the next step of evolution, you'd think that Mother Nature could have come up with something better than sticking bird wings on a guy's back, after all.
Comments
"Australian Teleporters are no Good" and "Failures of Evolution" are the finest tags I've ever seen.
Also, Doug Ramsey was worthless. Good thing he is in fact, dead. I have no idea why he is so beloved.
Let me just say that as a kid I watched the X-Men cartoon. I still remember an episode where Rogue heads to an island because of a promise to "cure" her powers and Archangel was there. And he was cool. He had giant metal wings. Not the most practical or useful superpower, but it looks awesome.
...that is all.
Then there's Maggot, whose super power is that his digestive system is a pair of giant flesh eating bugs that crawl out of his navel and eat people. But he's sad because that's the only way he can eat!
And Marrow, whose super power is really bad osteoporosis.
I admit though that I really liked Grant Morrison's take on mutants in New X-Men, when half the kids at Xavier's school had completely crap mutations that weren't even remotely useful. I thin one was a big translucent glob that you could see his skeleton thorough. His skin was paraffin so we was basically a giant walking candle.
And some poor kid who had a chicken head.
I couldn't disagree more about Archangel. Sure maybe Angel is boring as shit but as far as powers go, Archangel comes from the same mutant creativity pool of metal stabby appendages as Wolverine. No matter, you're the boss and I'll keep reading.
Ahh, Gateway, one in a long line of "Utility mutants" who exist only as plot devices (see also: Forge).
I also never understood how X-23 had a claw in each foot, seeing as how one of those terrible ideas from the late 90's was to make Logan's claws natural and organic instead of surgically implants as was expressly stated in just about every previous appearence of the character, or how those foot-claws were a foot long. I mean, where do they go when not "popped?" Wouldn't she walk like she was wearing skis?
Oh, and wouldn't bonding her bones with adamanatum at age 14 give her some serious growth issues?
Awright. Which came first? Wolverine's prostitute daughter or Lobo's? Was Lobo spoofing the whole Wolverine bit? Cause I could definitely see them doing that, very tongue-in-cheek.
...If it's the other way around, that's just sad.
Don't forget: a few years back, they took away Angel's metal wings and blue skin, gave him back his original feathery wings and pretty-boy good looks, plus, now he's somehow developed the ability to heal people by touching them.
So, yeah, now he's even more lame than ever.
@Miranda Kali: I think the real question is: who would win in a fight? Lobo's hooker daughter or Wolverine's hooker daughter?
To explain Wolverine's girl clone (not his daughter) you only need to look at your average panel of comic book creators. It's looks like a Weight Watchers meeting combined with a Rogaine seminar. And you left out they made her Asian to amp up the fetish just a leeeeetle bit more. It's pathetic. I can't think of a more masturbatory female character and in comics that's saying something.
Cyclops should have been on the list. That guy is just awful.
Wolverine's hooker daughter = Nathan Explosion
@Gyrus: Oy, crotchworm.
I think Australians need teleporting powers on the grounds that Australian is fuck all far away from civilization. How would an Australian hero even get somewhere relevant? He'd need to teleport.
I like X-23, and Angel. Although he's certainly not the most interesting. I can agree with that. As for her, my affection for Wolverine has certainly been applied to his clone. And then, on top of that, she's more vicious and willing to kill than he is. And in my book anyone who actually kills the bad guys who deserve to die is awesome!
Clicked through because the front page image made me hope "Please let Angel be Number One!" Retconning included, the single worst thing about X-Factor was the return of Angel to the spotlight. Flying = cool. Giant bird wings = not so much. Least creative name ever = even less. Halo on your uniform = not at all.
@Savage: Cyclops is the awesome.
@Macloserboy (Who Is Finally On Facebook For You Bitches): Ohhh, comic-book creators are all pathetic losers? Really? What valuable insight! When you're done here, why don't you go stuff a nerd in a locker or something.
X-23 was actually created for the X-Men: Evolution Saturday morning cartoon series. The character was so popular that they ported her over to the comic books.
@KiddChaos: They would not fight, they would make sweet love then conquer the worlds. All of them. because that's what hooker clones do.
@KiddChaos: somehow I don't think I can believe you, despite trying for edgy/hip I don't think evolution could handle prostitution.
My vote would go to alternate universe spawn like Marvel Girl. Or random charcters like Husk. Seriously, shedding skin?
@Macloserboy
What's wrong with masturbatory characters?? Love yourself!
@ggodo: And that's the kind of superhero team-up that we would all enjoy.
@Defendant: When did Wolverine start not killing people?
You guys left out the best part about Gateway, which is that Bishop is his descendant. Gotta love Marvel "All dark skinned mutants are related" Editorial. First Nightcrawler and Mystique, then Bishop and Gateway, and THEN they have Storm marry Black Panther through some awesome retconning to make them childhood friends.
@ggodo: She wasn't a hooker on "evolution", obviously. The prostitute part part of her backstory was added in the NYX mini-series. NYX was her first official debut in the mainstream Marvel Universe.
[en.wikipedia.org])
@learned_hands: I'll see your Forge and raise you Game Master, Madame Web and the Watcher
I actually like X-23 (execpt the hooker part) and thought she was low on the scale of characters to fap to. Her Story is sad but not emo...
X Men I could do with out Longshot (I love Mojo and the Spineless ones though) and Dazzler
@KiddChaos: Oh, I stopped paying attention to evolution 'bout halfway through.
@BlindKarma: I love Longshot because his powers are like a reverse Scarlet Witch and duality intrigues me. If they fought would their powers cancel eachother out?
@BlindKarma: I was very surprised that Dazzler did not make this list.
@braak: Or wear a rocket strapped to their back. Iron Man could have been Australian.
Wait a minute. Angel's name is Warren Worthington? I thought he was Richie Rich all growed up and mutated (and before he died and became Casper). Now I'm confused.
@NefariousNewt: I think that the capitalism of Tony Stark could only happen in America.
C'mon...no Jubilee? Really? When they made the animated series, they gave Kitty Pryde's part to Jubilee. And it was a TERRIBLE idea. I mean, fireworks? That's your power? I'm sure it's great for holidays and all, but...
@NefariousNewt and braak: They can damned well fly coach like the rest of us!
"Excuse me sir...you're looking a little orange and swollen...Is everything okay?"
"Oh yes Miss, that's my normal coloring."
@Spoony Bard: JUBILEE IS BAD!HER POWERS ARE HORRIBLE USELESS AND NOT INTERESTING!
I was always a fan of Archangel, he looked cool, and those metal wings were awesome.
But, I COMPLETELY agree with Angel as Number 1. Angel should have been killed off sometime during issue number 2. Then his legacy would have lived forever, but we wouldn't 0be saddled with lame powers of "bird-like wings", "handsome", and "rich".
Dark Angel could shoot his feather blades too! But yeah, he was still pretty lame. I always imagined the X-men kept him around for his money and his connections.
Angel is far from the most useless X-Man. His existence, along with Beast's, showed that the mutations could manifest in either mental OR physiological ways. This is actually a theme in the comics today, if one keeps up with the very awesome X-Factor books. Now that mutants are depowered there some who are still pissed off because they lack their powers but still retain their physical alterations (like horns on their heads). Plus the storyline with Warren's wing removal and subsequent forceful change into Apocalypse's Archangel of death was really cool.
Know who should be on this list? Gambit. "I charge things up and throw them, oh yeah!" Worthless.
@Spoony Bard:
@ggodo:
I always loved to see how each artist would take Jubilee... would she actually be the flat chested teenaged Wolvie side kick or just the overly voluptuous teenaged fap material...
I started reading in the late 80s early 90s... All logic tells me she belongs on this list but I can't do it. She blew up her parents and there house with her powers so they didn't have to be lame... I love her in New Warriors though.
@KiddChaos: He doesn't heal people by touching them; he heals them by bleeding on them. I recall him having issues with this since his blood would often close his own wounds before he could get it on someone else. I don't think the power has been used lately, though. (They also tended to forget Elixir and his super healing powers whenever someone was injured for dramatic effect, even though he was living in the mansion too).
@BlindKarma: well, in the cartoon she blew up a VCR, then realized her powers. That just makes her worse.
@Gospel X: But Gambit's a Cajun Baddass, and does damage with his powers. Slipstream and Thunderbird were just ripoffs, side note, I have a Thunderbird action figure because I thought he was Warpath, and to this day get them confused.
I always thought Angel's super power was his lustrous hair.
@edosan:
You're think of Fabio...
@Morgan: I failed to mention the bleeding part because it's so freaking stupid I didn't think anyone would believe me.
@Gospel X: I totally agree with you about Gambit. He was cool and bad-ass when I was thirteen when he showed up and he was all mysterious and shit. Now, I don't even know what purpose he serves.
Girls need comic book characters that they can jack-off to, too, I guess.
"Because, apparently, all human knowledge didn't include 'how to avoid being killed.'"
QFBHH (Quoted for Bwa-Ha-Ha!)
@KiddChaos: It's the accent.
Hahahaha! Gateways description really cracked me up! Great...now I'm getting strange looks from my boss. :D
Slipstream -- Yuck.
@Tim Faulkner:
But I thought IO9 LOVED Slipstream?
Oh, wrong one.
Move along. Nothing to see here.
Is Wolverine's teenage clone daughter prostitute as hirsute as he is? If so, she needs a lotta wax. Ouch.
@san_marino: Her bikini wax has a healing factor...
know what's angel's ultimate weakness is? wind turbines.
i never liked him. not because of how he acted (though the fact that he didnt do anything striking certainly hurt his character) but because of the fact that his only power was his wings. i can see how the concept is great (i would love to have wings :-)) but it just..never worked out.
they should have made him into something of a dragon/human. scaly wings, breathes fire, but basically looks human. as for personality...i dont know what the answer would be...there are alot of good choices...too bad it looks like they made the wrong one with angel.
@Macloserboy (Who Is Finally On Facebook For You Bitches):
lol i can beat that, i can f**king beat that. wonder woman. i'm the a huge comic book guy that i would rather like to be, but my bro he. he once told me that wonder womans weakness is being tied up with rope by a man.
(snickers a little)
I can't tell you how pleased I am that I only recognized one name from that list--Angel. I stopped reading XM shortly after the New Mutants debuted and they brought Jean Grey back from the dead. It just pissed me off. And the storylines devolved into complete incoherence after that, as far as I can tell.
I always felt Canonball needed to die. For those not in the know, he had the power to effectively, make his legs blow up. He'd then fly around because of the explosion until he ran out of juice or faceplanted into something sufficiently durable.
In other words, lame power.
On top of that, his character was a poor Kentucky coal-miner. The accent, in print, was just intolerable.
Eventually they changed his powers around a bit, gave him immortality, invulnerability, the ability to create shields, and I even recall him using his power to shoot at people.
@Savage: agreed. Cyclops sucked so much. He has some nice abilities, but his annoying personality gets in the way of enjoying it.
I'm suprised nobody has mention Toad. He was kind of a bore in the comics, but the first Xmen movie made him an official badass. Too badass for this list. I wish he didn't die though
"There are many plus points to Wolverine's cloned hooker daughter, "
1) being River Tam with claws.
C'mon.
C'mooon.
I actually have the issue with Slipstream and Lifeguard first being introduced keeping in theme with the Chris Claremont technique of having every body the Xmen coincidentally bump into on a social basis turn out to be unwitting mutants; that old chestnut.
I recall in the same issue that Bishop 'tested' Sunspot (while the rest of the team were trying to break into a gangsters house) by having him melt through a hockey puck made of steel and then try to do the same thing with a puck made of adamantium and failing, causing Sunspot to break down in tears (again).
My first thought was 'Why would you have someone use their bright 'Solar Radiation' power while your passing the time trying yo break into someones house at night. And my second thought was, 'Why the hell does Bishop carry around a hockey puck made of Adamantium with him'?
Chris Claremont should have been hung out to dry a long time ago, like, prior to Xmen #1. Why do they keep pairing him with great artists like Jim Lee back then and Salvador Larocca now?
Oops my bad, that wasn't Sunspot, in that issue, it was Neal Shaara who was called Thunderbird but was nothing like the one listed above and had powers like Sunspot. He cried a lot like Sunspot as well.
@MickyK: Check out the current books. Cyclops is running the X-Men like an efficient machine. He even pulled a few pages from Sinister's own playbook to attack Sinister and his crew.
You know who's missing from this list? Wolverine. I gnash my teeth every time see that overrated ball shit. Also, Cyclops rocks.
i always found the gross mutants to be more realistic ,maggot and marrow and skin etc.Lets not forget mother nature is one sick twisted bitch
@Balius: "On top of that, his character was a poor Kentucky coal-miner. The accent, in print, was just intolerable."
Tangential rant: X-Men books just need to stop doing accents. Period.