io9
You know you've always wanted to see what would happen if you could control a first-person shooter with your penis — or, if you don't have one of your own, the penis of a friend. Maybe you want to literalize the term "cock block," or maybe you want to leave the mousing to your special down-there places while your hands roam freely across the keyboard. Either way, Kyle "Slashdong" Machulis has the ultimate futuristic, posthuman USB device for you.
The new USB fleshlight is basically an input device that can translate your onanistic thrusts into movements of the mouse. Theoretically it could be used to translate thrusts into other things too, like shooting in a game or moving around in a virtual space. You'd just have to write the controllers to do that.
However, the beauty part of using the fleshlight as a mouse is that the setup is plug-and-play. Plug the old fleshlight in, start thrusting, and you're moving the mouse.
The question is, why the hell is anybody marketing these things? Apparently they come with some kind of awful videogame that is mostly hand-controlled but later switches to thrust control. The game involves you trying to seduce a nurse, and Machulis sums it up nicely:
You have to sit there hitting the "hand presents" or "take medicine" button for 10 minutes. Then she takes off her shirt. Then you have to fondle her by clicking for at least 15 minutes. Notice the problems here?Actually, I think the chest hair from the right side of his pecs might be on his head."Hitting". "Clicking".
All you can do with the fleshlight is move the mouse. You can't click shit. So, you've gotta spend ~20 minutes doing things with your regular mouse before you can do anything with the fleshlight. And you sure as shit ain't gonna have both the mouse and the fleshlight going at once, unless you want to know what it's like to have your penis actively fighting your hand.
Due to popular demand, I actually included pictures of the action scenes. And yes, it really took me about 10-15 minutes to get to this point. My hand hurts. And not in the fun way. And, of course, once you do get the payoff, you find out that the male character (i.e. you) looks like a radiation experiment gone awry. Bugged out eyes, missing half his chest hair...
The fun in this device, however, is going to be all the hacks you could do on it. Think about it: now you have the first-ever cock controller! You could buy stocks . . . with your cock! Read a blog . . . with your boner!
Continues Machulis:
Assuming I can figure out a nice, cross platform way to unfuck the HID shit, expect to see libinteractivefl on sourceforge sometime soon, 'cause you know handing out headshots with this thing in an online shooter would be beyond awesome.The future is so bright I gotta wear shades, man. Photo via qDot.
TMI About the Interactive Fleshlight [Slashdong]
Comments
And you thought your keyboard was dirty....
Oh and could we say cut out the NSFW pictures.. it really doesn't add anything.. (you could leave the radiation scared protagonist if you really want)
I think we can all visualize crappy X rate video game graphics...
(this isn't Gizmodo or Fleshbot)
And here I thought I was the only one who control his computer with his penis.
The input device looks too small.
@DocGratis: Dude I already cut his dick out of the picture to spare your tender eyes. More than that I won't do.
...The horror... THE HORROR!
Gosh, even cyberbabes seems to have fake tits. And when will they get a device for women?
There's a joke here about last night's South Park, but it's not coming.
OR MAYBE IT JUST DID.
@Annalee Newitz: Hey it is not about 'my tender eyes' but some of us really do read from work.
It really just doesn't add anything, "oohh look crappy rendering of breast."
As I said this isn't gizmodo, people didn't click on it just for the NSFW tag..
@Annalee Newitz: But whatever, don't be offended by my request. Leave it, I don't care, I have my own office (so I won't get busted for NSFW issues)
@bjarmson: We don't need a device. I can already control my computer with my labial extenders.
Well, generally, when it says "NSFW" that's generally the clue that there's something in there you might not want to see, or have others see. I don't read every story posted here, I look at the title and if it sounds like something that I want to know more on, I click on it. If it says "NSFW" in the title, then I know what's in store . . . generally, boobies, and I thank Annalee for that (even if they are poorly rendered computer game boobies, they are boobies nonetheless). The only thing I'm not sure about is why this story's on here, as it's not really sci-fi, and was already covered on Giz and Fleshbot today (funny, each site has it's own separate writeup rather than linking to the other Gawker sites).
And then, there is this nifty thing on my mouse called a scroll wheel. Something I don't want to see on a page, I just scroll right by it and get it off my screen.
@Goodnightbabytron: Too small. LOL.
"And for the "gifted" man, the penitron 1000 comes in three special sizes: Large, Extra Huge and Don't You Wish?
@Annalee Newitz:
which have the geek tattoos, I assume.
@Annalee Newitz: Wow, I'm look forward to pictures of that.
I was soooo confused by his chest hair. But then I clicked through to that Slashdong site (which btw is the funniest site name I've heard in ages) and now I know where they put the other half of his hair.
To quote one of the best movies of all time: "WE'VE GOT BUSH!"
My penis has been controlling my brain for a decade and a half. Therefore this is nothing new.
@Plague: That's right. You've got the idea.
"You have to sit there hitting the "hand presents" or "take medicine" button for 10 minutes. Then she takes off her shirt. Then you have to fondle her by clicking for at least 15 minutes."
Wow, just like a real date!
@StrangelyBrown: I don't know what kind of dates you've been on, but I can usually get people to undress just by right clicking and selecting "disrobe" in the pull-down menu.
@Annalee Newitz: Even better, there are pictures of people that are already naked available for free on the internet, and one doesn't even need any weird peripherals.
(Not, you know, that teledildonics isn't all very interesting.)
@taxbaby: Oh I thought we were talking about real people. You can right-click on people on the internet too? The wonders of technology!
@Annalee Newitz: Sometimes I sit around all day just right-clicking on stuff (on the internets and otherwise) for shits and giggles. Although of course, for me it's Apple-click, which isn't nearly as satisfying.
"Could Penis-Controlled Computers Ever Catch On"
Umm.. no.
Some of us do use computers in the office, you know... [yes, I said "office", not "orifice"]
@DocGratis: "As I said this isn't gizmodo, people didn't click on it just for the NSFW tag.."
Wait... this isn't Gizmodo?!? aw, crap.. I gotta go...
@Annalee Newitz: Funny. there are times I control my computer with my penial extender.....usually called the male brain.
Would require amazing amounts of stamina... or Viagra sales would triple overnight. Ill stick to my hands for the time being.
@Jeff-Minor: Yes, different sizes, and different attachments (lipstick vs. mustache)
@DocGratis: Well, there are plenty of us overlappers. Who...you know...might be guilty of just such a thing.
@ Annalee Newitz: ::swoons::
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Ya know, this could be the start of a new geek meme.
Hey babe, I don't want to brag, but I can "mouse" all night!
Sorry, but I don't "point and click" on the first date...
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Heh, just had a thought...
No longer will carpal tunnel be a sign of abusing a computer.
Now it's the lack of carpal tunnel that's a sign of "abusing" a computer!
That is um... Very very sad. Sadder than some idiotic hentai games.
And they both look dead. That's uber creepy right there.
I hear bad things happen when you get the blue screen of death when you're hooked up to this. Blood will be spilled.
You had me at "penis-controlled."
:)
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