io9
We've talked about the toughest scifi soldiers, but those were made out of blood, muscle and bone. What about their robotic counterparts? It's goes without saying that if the Bot Army met the Meat Popsicle Army, the robots would clean house. If you had access to unlimited funds and a lot of time-traveling doohickeys, then you'd want to put together a lineup like our dream team robot army. We've assembled them below for your pleasure.
Big Guy: If you haven't read Frank Miller and Geof Darrow's Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot oversized graphic extravaganza, then you need to go out and pick it up right now. We'll wait. Ready? Okay. Big Guy is an over-armed, over-achieving battletank complete with his own boy scout do-gooder companion, Rusty. Now, the secret is that Big Guy is actually pilot by Lieutenant Dwayne Hunter, so he's not really a sentient robot. However, the world at large doesn't know this, and if you assemble a robot army, you're going to want to fight in it, right? Well, here's your e-ticket. We'd take him over Voltron or the Power Rangers megabot any day.
Maxmillian from Disney's The Black Hole: This blood red robot could hover and had whirling blades at the ends of his arms... what's not to love? Sure he had good old laser blasters, but when he could turn your guts into a blended smoothie, who cared about guns? His ominous, scary head terrified me as a kid, and he'll do the same to human ground troops. Just keep him away from circular saws and other cutting tools.Oh, he also serves as a handy storage device for deposed megalomaniacs as well, in case you find yourself needing that sort of thing.
Nixon from Hard Boiled: Geof and Frank also collaborated on the amazing Hard Boiled, which features more destruction and mayhem than a Michael Bay movie, all in intricately drawn in Geof Darrow's "obsessive attention to detail" style. Armed with just a handgun and his bare (later robotic) fists, Nixon cleaves his way through just about everything you can imagine, including giant barreling cars and a dog with laser beams for eyes.
The Iron Giant in KickAss Mode: Have you seen The Iron Giant? This sadly unappreciated film was directed by Brad Bird for Warner Bros. animation, and really deserved a larger audience. The quirky 1950s retro-setting was perfect for this story about a lost alien robot superweapon who winds up on Earth and wants to be Superman. Of course, when he went haywire and turned into a giant gun that could take out anything, that's when he was at his most awesome. Of course, the movie wanted you to think that was bad, but we think it's incredible. Bring on the big guns!
The Robot from Lost in Space: He may not have had a name (although his crate said ONE General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental ROBOT, so he might have been GUNTER), but he was loyal, always at the ready, and able to shout "Danger!" whenever something alarming was about to happen. Plus he was a perfect foil for that nebbishy Doctor Smith. Now, the Lost in Space movie might not have thrilled everyone (I actually enjoyed it), but the updated Robot in that (with the same voice) was a badass with plasma blasters attached. Both versions had treads, waving arms, and a giant round head. What more can you ask for? Well, step one would be to order him to destroy Matt LeBlanc.
The Terminator from The Terminator: You can't really make a list of badass robots without including the Terminator, but which model do you pick? All of them? Only one? The T-1000? The Arnie models? The Summer Glau-bot? We have to go with the original from the first movie, because he was much grittier, to the point, and without a sense of humor. Plus he could growl out "Fuck you, asshole" better than any of the other models, who apparently had their language sanitized.
Soundwave from The Transformers: Screw Optimus Prime and Megatron, even though either one would be a more powerful, logical choice. No, we like Soundwave because of his awesome voice. Who didn't want to talk like an old-school Cylon? Plus he could transform into a Walkman and fool all of your friends. Plus the cassettes became his recon sidekicks. The toy was a lot more heavily armed than the version in the cartoon, and a lot more badass. He had a microphone that could turn into a missile launcher. What more do you need? "RAVAGE, EJECT. OPERATION: ASS-KICKING."
The Gunslinger from WestWorld: There is probably nothing scarier than a relentless Yul Brynner-bot without a face chasing after you relentlessly. Except maybe two of them. Just like the Terminator he never got tired, had a fast-walking pace that never faltered, and was always ready to blow your head off. Yul Brynner's own face was steely enough to be frightening, but once his own face popped off exposing the transistors and wires beneath he was nightmare-inducing.
The Killbots from Chopping Mall: Originally released as Killbots, this Roger Corman produced film features three security robots going haywire in a mall in California and chopping everyone into shreds. Plus they had those creepy Cylon-esque red eyes which just meant they were up to no good. Strangely, it'd didn't do too well as Killbots, but they released it again as Chopping Mall, and it brought in some bucks. Not a blockbuster, to be sure, but check out what a gory name change can do. These are the guys you'd want on the front lines, cutting through the infantry so the big guns can sit back and wait.
Ultron from Marvel Comics: Not only is Ultron one of the most ultimate killing robots ever devised, he also has a grinning visage that will scare the crap out of you just by seeing it. Granted, he was a bit unstable and the Avengers seemed to have no problem taking him down again and again, and he was even created by one of their own. However, if you can get past his epithet shouting, revenge driven programming, he'd make a good asset to have if you ever need to talk someone to death.
Mechagodzilla: You've got to have one giant weapon you keep in reserve, ready to bust out and make everyone pee their pants just when the time is right. Who better than Mechagodzilla to do that? In fact, trot him out in his Godzilla disguise first, and then you have people thinking "Oh crap, it's Godzilla!" Then once they think they've defeated him, but actually just destroyed his fake Godzilla skin, you've got people thinking "Oh crap, it's Mechagodzilla! Screw it, we surrender." Built by aliens, he's a badass robo-copy of Japan's mightiest protector.
Major Motoko from Ghost in the Shell: If you ever want to see a woman take on a tank all by herself with nothing more than an automatic rifle, then look no further. Sure, she's a cyborg with some cloaking technology, but that hardly makes her any less badass. As a field commander on the ground, Motoko could issue commands and kick ass at the same time. Of course, she'll also obsessively leave the field to follow up on Puppetmaster clues and hints, but that might be a small price to pay for her skills.
HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey: You'd need someone to run the numbers and come up with strategies while all the fighting was going on, and who better than good old, red-eyed HAL back at the base crunching scenarios? Of course, the downside is that is things start looking like they might threaten HAL at all, he'll pull the plug on everyone else to save himself. However, he'd explain it to you in that calm, easy cadence, so you probably wouldn't mind at all.
- Johnny Five from Short Circuit: This guy couldn't kick any ass, so make him zip back and forth in a shooting gallery style and let your 'bots with distance weapons take shots at him.
- David from A.I.: If you want to train your bots on how to capture kids and hold them for ransom, use good old David-bot and his Teddy for some games of hide and seek in urban settings. Just be gentle, because the kid could hardly eat spinach, let alone take a pulse-rifle blast to the spine.
- V.I.N.C.E.N.T. from The Black Hole: Okay, I'll say it here, I have a true soft spot for this movie, and for V.I.N.C.E.N.T. However, he wouldn't have been too effective as a soldier (unless you had just offed his buddy B.O.B... continually), so if you put him out to pasture for target practice, at least he'd be doing some good. Sorry, little buddy *sniff*.
- C3P0 from Star Wars: R2D2 may be useful enough to keep around in an engineering or repair bay somewhere, but C3P0 was useless. No speed, no weapons, and a mouth that wouldn't quit? Use him for hand-to-hand combat training and see how many languages he can say "Not in the face!" in.
- Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation: Come on, how annoying did this guy get? Surround him in an open field and let the whole crew go to town. Keep spare parts around so you can repeat this over and over.
Comments
What, no Trade Federation battle droids?
I'm with you on Ultron. You do not want to fuck with that guy.
Since you have cyborgs and piloted bots in this I'm shocked that you don't have the most dangerous machine ever.. a friggin Dalek!!?
@moff: The Droideka... the coolest thing from the prequels. Well that and Portman in the torn tight white outfit.
I personally like me some Giant Robo (anime version). Obeys commands from your Dick Tracy radio watch, until it gets pissed and just starts pounding things. I'll take two, please.
@Garrison Dean, King Awesome: No, the coolest thing (besides the torn tight white outfit) was using the lightsaber to melt through the thick metal door. And the droideka were pretty cool, but their standard-issue associates made stormtroopers look tough, which is saying something.
I'll take a battalion of the re-imagined Cylon Centurions Please.
(And one Tricia Helfer Model No. 6 as well).
[www.giantmonstermovies.com]
Jet Jaguar from Godzilla vs Megalon
...for target practice
I can't be the only one here who is wondering where to find the warehouse in which an army of Lost in Space Robots is being manufactured. Because I wanna live there.
I'll take the T-X, plus you get Kristana Lokken...
Those stun stick robots from the prequels were pretty awesome though..
@BullfightsOnAcid:
"HE JOCK IT MADE OF STEEL
EATS SUSHI FROM A PAIL
JET JAGUAR? JET JAGUAR!
HE MOTHER NEVER REALLY LOVE HIM
HE CRIMEFIGHTING COVERS UP A BASIC INSECURITY
HE DICKEY COVERS UP AN ADAMS APPLE THE SIZE OF A TOYOTA
HE BASICALLY GOOD-HEARTED, BUT HE'D LIKE TO SMASH THAT KID AGAINST A ROCK
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
WHO'S THERE?
HIS HEAD LOOKS LIKE JACK NICHOLSON
DON'T SMILE LIKE THAT, IT WILL STAY THAT WAY
YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH!
DON'T TOUCH MY BAGS IF YOU PLEASE, MR. CUSTOMS MAN"
@moff: I don't know, that sort of fell under the "Teeth Aren't Tools" catagory for me. I was nervous... "Can it do that? What if he breaks his lightsaber that way? Then what?" Of course I didn't know at the time that they don't really need lightsabers because the Jedis can pretty much just throw around any enemy they want with the flick of the wrist.
It was way cool though. And at the beginning. Keeping my hope still up until the very last minute when we got to meet the Jar Jar and the Vader Kids.
@BullfightsOnAcid: Jet Jaguar is the greatest guilty pleasure of the series. Also Gigantor is way cooler then Big Guy (Frank Miller not withstanding.)
where does Small Wonder fit in to all of this?
@se7a7n7: R&R
Gigantor, the space age robot. Nuff said.
You forgot about the battle tank/warplane robots from that awful film Toys, starring Robin Williams. Horrifying? Yes.
Special Circumstances Drones. The really really cranky kind.
@se7a7n7: Inside a trash compactor.
@bornagaincrisco: Thank you, that was beautiful.
That HK-47 has been omitted is an error that can only be solved by er, the most violent means available, meatbags. I'd also be tempted to suggest Guri for both looks and CQB.
Would Sharon Apple count as a potential counterpart for HAL? ED-209 has to be thrown in for either amusement or just random destruction, so long as no stairs are involved.
I can't agree with V.I.N.CENT as target practice. Between his wisecracks and disarmingly-cute exterior, I think there's value in that 'bot. Reinhardt's sentries would probably be more valuable for target practice, or at least amusement.
As a frequent watcher of the Fifth Element, What is a meat Popsicle?
You need to add BOLOs / Ogres.
-Kle.
Big Guy, Iron Giant, Ultron, Soundwave and Major Motoko all get my love but give me the Phalanx from the X men arc that started Generation X.
So where do the daleks fit in on this list? Not totally robot, not totally flesh and blood, not really a cyborg either. They are just strait up killing machines that will delete you from history via time travel. That also brings up the cybermen. They kind of sucked, but they do get the job done.
@Grey_Area: Yeah, any SC drone could waste the whole aforementioned group and then say something wonderfully sarcastic and witty after those few seconds were over. The "terror weapon" in "Look to Windward" was one bad bot (or whatever) too.
One word...
Gort!!!!
The continued absence of Fehdman Kassad/The Shrike from io9 lists is an immense tragedy. Time-bending, undying, built-of-razors-and-spikes, designed by galactic intelligence, powered by love protectors of the Second Coming of Christ need more appreciation.
@magsman: Try www.lostinspacerobot.com
You can have your very own for $25,000.
@Klebert L. Hall:"You need to add BOLOs / Ogres."
Thank you! I've been trying to remember the name of Laumer's super cyber tanks for some time. BOLOs! There was a great pocket game that was nothing but a piece of hex paper with some geographic features and the game pieces. One player had nothing but the BOLO, the other player had lots of stuff, but it was easier to win with the BOLO.
@Dalboy.. Klatu Virda Nicto FTW!
If anything they should make a hybrid of the Terminator and Motoko Kusanagi. That would be badass!
What, no "Evolver?"
Yes, it was a pretty terrible movie, but the robot was pretty tough. Decent concept too.
imdb
Long story short, some kid wins a VR shooting game contest, and gets a free robot that simulates the cyberspace game out in meatspace. The catch is that the robot is programmed to increase its difficulty level. For some reason or other it doesn't know to stop getting tougher, and ends up powering itself up more and more, doing things like substituting steel ball bearings for the plastic pellets it shoots.
In all, not bad for a low-budget "survive the killer robot" type movie.
Maybe I'll find somebody to anonymously post an xvid of my dvd to the newsgroups, along with Patrick Stewart's "Safehouse" when it finally gets shipped to me.
Anyone who doesn't tear up a bit toward the end of Iron Giant, I don't want to know you.
"I am not a gun."
How about the ever popular companion K9?
If we can include anime droids, then I would add in the M-66 combat droids from the anime/manga Black Magic M66.
* Bender (someone has to organize the after-party)
* Magus (although technically techno-organic)
* The Reapers (and they can bring the Geth for fodder)
...and I was always fond of one of Ultron's greatest creations, Vision.
@AmericanHector: I was always kind of "Meh" on the Daleks and Cybermen.
@Git Em SteveDave: I think it means just a useless human.
Needs more Cybermen.
Joe Pineapples from ABC Warriors. He has a human heart.
In his chest locker.
No HK-47?
"Definition: Love is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope...Love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together, achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds."
Okay, I need a bigger version of that Iron Giant pic, like now.
ED 209 from Robocop. Don't even think of parking in a posted zone. The ED 209 will come with guns blazing!
No Bender? No Roberto? No Devastator? This list is dead to me.
@moff: No battle droids? Of course not; one switch turns them all off. How about a platoon of Gort-bots? And you can't beat Greg Bear's nasty killer bots from Moving Mars.
@magsman: right on. I was looking at that picture and wondering where on Earth that warehouse is and can it be found on Google maps?
@JosephFinn: The Iron Giant is, in fact, one of the only movies that will consistently make me tear up.
Where's the Robbie the Robot love. He could make booze. Someone has got to pour the drinks.
No love for Big O?
I think that someone needs to make a distinction between the badass Cameron Terminators, and the "others." If the Cameron Terminators are the ones being referenced above, then they win. If it isn't, Mechagodzilla, hands down.
I'm personally particularly partial to AMEE from Red Planet once 'she' goes into hunter-killer mode.
@Maxxofor: That should be "Gort, Klaatu barada nicto" spoken in a cigarette-ruined rasp by Patricia Neal.
But you left out "Astro Boy" and Eighth Man (whoosh!) - animebots from my childhood.
@braak: Hah! My wife made so much fun of me the first time we saw that together and I sniffled (just a bit, mind you).
I thought I was the only sallyman who got choked up at that movie.
-
Where's the squidies from The Matrix?
Or
Where's the robot army that kicked our asses in Animatrix?
BTW: thoese Lost in Space licensed replica robots can be found at B9Creations for the low low price of $24,500!
I'm a little disappointed by the exclusion of ED-209, but pleased by the inclusion of Mechagodzilla. However, I'd prefer Millenium series Mecha-G, Kiryu. His absolute zero cannon would be perfect for making slurpies in bulk quantities.
No Gundam!? /brain implodes
Oh wait, those are piloted by humans... ah, nearly fell on my face there.
I gotta vote for Soundwave, I loved the action figure Ihad as a kid. Makoto from GITS is also a very impressive piece of as... erm...cyborg... yes...
I love the Iron Giant, great movie.
Most docile of them for me, C3P0 wouldn't even harm a butterfly.