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Starship Troopers 3 may finally show us a glimpse of the powered armor Heinlein talks about in the novel — but we'll get our real power armor fix from the G.I. Joe movie, coming in 2009. I haven't been sure whether Joe really counted as science fiction, but a new script review gives plenty of reasons to accept it as belonging to the genre, including armor with invisibility powers, miraculous nano-technology, and super-soldiers created by a mad scientist. The costumes may look a bit Batman And Robin-esque (power-armor-breasts!) but the storyline sounds awesomely pulpy enough for ten sawmills. Spoilers, and a gallery, below.
Here's the movie's premise: the G.I. Joe team, led by Duke (Channing Tatum), fights for freedom wherever there is trouble. And their arch nemesis is Cobra Commander and his Cobra Force. The movie is based on a Hasbro line of toys, but also on a comic-book series from the 1980s, which had the Joe squad working out of "The Pit."
CC2K has an early review of the movie's script, and apparently it includes:
- "Accelerator suits," which allow the G.I. Joe squad to run faster, jump super-high, smash through walls, and shrug off bullets.
- A "nano-bomb" that the Cobra Commander wants to launch — which launches a swarm of nanites that eat all of the buildings and machinery, without harming any of the people. (And how do the nanites know when to stop eating all the non-organic matter? Will this be explained at all?)
- The Neo-Vipers, super-soldiers enhanced by nanotech, so they can't feel pain or remorse. (And maybe they can actually regenerate from injuries? It's not clear.) A mad scientist, known only as the Doctor, creates these soldiers for Destro, who's horribly disfigured after a fight with Duke. Destro wears a mask made out of nanotechnology, which allows the Doctor, aka Commander, to control his mind.
- hawt babe Scarlett (Rachel Nichols, see pic above) who is a virgin, despite wearing breast-exaggerating armor (which can turn invisible.) Marlon Wayans' wacky sidekick character Ripcord has the hots for Scarlett, who says she'll date him if he can shoot her on an obstacle course. He fails to hit her, and later realizes he was actually shooting real arrows instead of "training arrows." Also, Dennis Quaid plays "Hawk," their leader, and The Rock is rumored to play Shipwreck, another one of the good guys.
- a weird backstory involving a romance between Channing Tatum's Duke and Sienna Miller's evil Baroness. They almost got married, and now she's a Nazi or something. The Baroness says things like, "Deep down, you're still the man I fell in love with." And "Do it, Duke. You've already killed me once."
- futuristic killer ninjas, as we already mentioned a while back. [CinCity2000]
Comments
We're suppose to believe that a redhead named "Scarlett" is a virgin?
*snickers*
Wow, this sounds mindless and campy... Perfect for GI Joe!
Seriously, I always thought the cartoon was a bit daft. The Joes where nothing but a bunch of military misfits who constantly went up against a totally clueless and inept terrorist organization.
In my book, the only way to make this movie is over-the-top and just this side of ironically self-aware and self depreciating.
If done right, this could be a great popcorn flick. Just so long as it's not taken seriously by anyone in the production that is.
I have to say, those pasted on plastic boobs might be the funniest thing I have seen today.
GI whoa...@_@
GI whoa?
Doesn't Dennis Quaid look kinda constipated?
@Grey_Area: Quaid has definitely seen better days. Then again, Quaid has definitely seen better days.
As for me, any movie with a Wayans Bros. in it...I mean, what could go wrong?
@Ryan H: Every time I look at them, they seem more ludicrous...
Who's the guy in the white with the two katanas?
He looks ridiculous.
Looks like they used up their budget on rubber so Storm Shadow got stuck with leftover wardrobe from Equilibrium/Matrix Reloaded.
@Aethyr: Especially since white is like the LEAST practical color to wear when you're wielding swords. Doesn't he know that bloodstains are a bitch to get rid of?
Ok, let's just point out that if you look in their cammo it actually says GI- Joe in the print. Thats like when you'd get one of those vinyl Darth Vader costume when you were a kid and it had the mask, the cape, and then right on the frakkin chest it would say STAR WARS DARTH VADER. Man that pissed me off.
"You're a spy for GI-Joe!"
"Cobra Commander, I swear I'm not!"
"Fuck you you're not, it says so on your pants."
"Oh... yeah, about that."
That being said. You're gonna have to really really screw up a movie that has Sienna Miller and a hot redhead weilding guns and wearing tight rubber and leather for me to not want to go see it on the big screen.
@Aethyr: I would think that's Storm Shadow.
Sooo, where's destro? I mean, they've already leaked the power-boobies, but a guy with a silver head is too cheesy?
Wow, that sounded all wrong.
awwwwwwwwww
(firstly) who's directing?
lol (secondly)
i don't like the standardized body armor suits- its too bad their outfits won't speak to their character anymore.
i mean its not enough that they took their liberties in selecting the actors- now they all have to be steampressed into the same gijoe action figure that acts out its part 'accordingly' (def would have picked a different baroness).
i have to say snake eyes is the only reason i want to see this movie.
my inner child weeps,,,
D':
i approve of red head hotties. DO WANT
@Garrison Dean, King Awesome: "You're a spy for GI-Joe!"
"Cobra Commander, I swear I'm not!"
"Fuck you you're not, it says so on your pants."
HAH! But then, were they ever really successful as spies? They were more like not-so-secret blowing-things-up-agents.
@Tim Faulkner:
I think it's the Emma Peel costume from that awful Avengers movie.
sorry, but those baroness and scarlett pics are wonderful.
@Aethyr: who wears white leather before memorial day anyway? blech!
Does Scarlett turn invisible, or just the armor?
@unplugandrun: Directing.. well that depends on how you want to look at it. Either the man who brought you The Mummy and Deep Rising, or the man who brought you The Mummy Returns and Van Helsing. Let's hope the former.
As long as shit blows up REAL GOOD, I'm in for the ride.
@Garrison Dean, King Awesome: At least they don't have those kiddie Halloween masks with the rubber band stapled onto the back and the little tiny slit to breathe out of.
Okay so Quaid looks fucking ridiculous, but everything else fits. Like someone else said, as long as they don't take it seriously it should be awesome...
Also please go easy on the cgi...
And give me more hot chicks in tight pants. (to make my pants tight ZING!) Wait what?...
@Log1c: Okay so one more, anything with futuristic killer ninjas = win, in my book.
@Aethyr: Ten bucks says that's Storm Shadow - Snake Eyes' Cobra rival. :D
Also, wasn't part of the point of the GI Joe ladies that they weren't ubersexed up? I mean, they were soldiers too, they weren't sex objects.
Ah well, I suppose we're not going to get any "knowing is half the battle" moralizing in the movie, so bring on the explosions and the shiny black battle armor (please tell me it doesn't have nipples - those photos were kinda dark...)!
"The Neo-Vipers, super-soldiers enhanced by nanotech, so they can't feel pain or remorse. (And maybe they can actually regenerate from injuries?" -God I could have used some nanotech after losing my virginity.
Mmmmmmm,
Red Headded nano-boobie chicks with Kung Fu grip....
Argggggghhhhhh...Doh!
@phoenix: Umm, yeah, Covergirl got her name for her excellent firefight support, Scarlet wore a bathing suit as a uniform because it allowed her optimal movement in a tight situation, and the Baroness was never flitting back and forth between the S&N dominatrix and the hot-for-teacher, librarian fantasy look.
@Log1c: Stephen Sommers…go easy on the CGI?! HA HA HA HA HA HA *wheeze* HA HA HA!!! That's hilarious! Have you seen Van Helsing?
Kinda bums me out that
a. Ripcord isn't a Navajo like he was in the comics.
b. That Gordon Levitt-Wassisname is Cobra Commander, and
c. That Storm Shadow looks like a Mexico City emo kid, while Snake-Eyes looks badass. (They both should look badass)
I'm thinking:
Any Wayans + (Comic Sidekick Role * Any Geek Pop Culture Property) = FAIL
(But deep down inside I want G.I. Joe to win.)
OK, The Rock as Shipwreck? I wish I could count how many ways that's just wrong. Maybe Junkyard, but Shipwreck? He'd hit his head on every bulkhead. Maybe Sean Austin Scott. He's wisecracky enough.
And me likey Covergirl. Very practical outfit, and she wears a watch. Punctual.
@MadJackDeacon: I second never taking a Wayan seriously. I always see them in Don't be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Gin in the Hood. Maybe they'll find a way to dress him in drag as a white girl.
@B: Apparently, Just Covergirl's guns become invisible: [io9.com]
@Charlie Jane Anders: "I haven't been sure whether Joe really counted as science fiction,"
Hahahah, good one. Glad you're paying attention at least. Clearly I'm not or I would've caught that line earlier.
Wow, and to think, I used to know this whole pantheon down pat, and I had to wiki Covergirl. Wonder which case of PBR it was that took all that out.
The plan seems way too realistic for me.
If Cobra isn't building a hot air balloon that makes everyone think they're animals then that my friends isnt Cobra.
EPIC FAIL. Flames on Optimus was passable ... but that's supposed to be Storm Shadow? Where's the Cobra insignia?
@Git Em SteveDave: Or howzabout Torpedo? I can see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as a Navy SEAL.
Am i the only one that needs to see atleast 10 jets get shot down but see all the pilots safely parachute out from them?
Iraq would be so much more fun with these guys running around futilely attempting to create democracy.
A Wayans brother?
Seriously.
If that doesn't send a screaming red flag at you about this movie I don't know what else will.
It's A WAYANS BROTHER.
Expect pure, utter, complete, garbage. Our only hope is that it's Dungeon and Dragons movie bad. (Which in point of fact, is so bad that we turn it off when the Wayan dies and consider that a HAPPY ENDING).
Being more of a He-Man person m'self, I can't really get my juices flowing enough to really care about this. That being said, am I the only one who thinks that the Stormlady's outfit looks like it was originally tailored for someone else?
It looks like a friend talked her into going to a S&M-club [it's going to be FUN] and let her choose her gear out of a wardrobe several sizes to big.
@MadJackDeacon: I wonder what they would make the hardsuit he wears all the time look like. And since he and Shipwreck hung out a lot, given my suggestion for Sean Austin Scott, it would be like the movie The Rundown all over again.
@Git Em SteveDave: Would we have a CGI Polly, his parrot, also?
Doesn't work for me. The guy in white looks like a pimp and the girl in black next to him looks like she's a pistol/leather fetish specialist. Those absurdly high high-heel boots do it.
Also, in those other picks all the girls in black or camo look to the camera as if they're saying "hey GI, want some pompom?"
@ndgmtlcd: the girl in black next to him looks like she's a pistol/leather fetish specialist. And the Baroness should look like what, then?
Part of me wonders if a Metal Gear Solid movie got scrapped after the costumes were made, because Ripcord looks like he is borrowing Solid Snake's outfit.
I will totally go see this though, in part because of my fond memories of GI Joe, but mostly to see what level of crazy they crank it up to.
pardon me, but Shipwreck is not "another one of the good guys." Shipwreck is the stupid pirate-talkin sailor caricature who turns the Joe team into little better than a campy send-up of YMCA.
i like how the suits make them all look the same, even the Baroness. part of the fun of GI Joe was all the different "characters" and their variety-- these guys all look like dumb batmen w/out the mask. Hopefully they'll get the Dreadnoks right in part II.
These stills are producing in me a violent hatred for Hollywood.
T-minus 6 hours until Cobra Comma.. err Paramount gets this content pulled from your site like they did on mine.
@DSTRYA: But he was also the focus of two of the most fucked up story lines in Saturday morning history.
1) He has a secret that Corbra wants, so they kidnap him, drug him, make him thing years have passed and he is retired. Bonus fucked up points for having him 'kill' a bunch of his friends, who turn into goo when he hits them. Also gains points for the insane asylum sequences and his fake wife and daughter.
2) In a fight between GI Joe and Cobra an orphanage is destroyed. Shipwreck is a lazy bastard and doesn't want to help rebuild it, so spends all day telling the orphans a really fucked up fairy tale about GI Joe, but they are all super deformed dwarf versions of themselves. Cobra attacks, and shipwreck puts on some kind of helmet that makes his thoughts real and defeats Cobra with slapstick cartoony versions of the Joes.
@ElijahDProphet: That first episode you're talking about is probably one of my favorite. It's so messed up that I still remember it to this day.
Also, Shipwreck was awesome because he sounded like a bad Jack Nicholson impersonator.
@MadJackDeacon: The only good thing about this shitty movie is the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is playing Cobra Commander.
@Dunny0: I don't think anyone is in any danger of taking this seriously, especially since there is a Wayans in it. Even if he does have on his best "tough guy" face.
@Silver_Back: Yup. Right there with ya.
@Evdor: And seriously, I agree with you Evdor. It is a Wayan's brother! C'mon!
I still can't get over why Baroness isn't as hot as Scarlett?
Attention children: Prepare to augment your Pokemon troops with human ninjas. Twenty/thirty somethings will by them to your because human ninjas were cool in the 80's.
Attention teenagers: Prepare to laugh at the Twenty/thirty somethings and their goofy childhood.
Twenty/thirty somethings: Prepare your cyanide capsules to avoid molestation of your childhood.
That is all.
@KiddChaos: Its a good thing that we're going to listen to Tommy Soloman hiss his way around the screen for 2 hours...really?
It looks like he's going to be inflicted on us in the new Akira movie too.