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Ever since the first cheesy monster or goofy robot leered out from the cover of a pulpy magazine, science fiction has struggled to shake off a certain tinge of campiness. No matter how hard creators may try to tell cool stories, that slightly ironic silliness is always lurking just outside the frame. And there will always be science fiction which takes those little hints of camp and amplifies them a million-fold. A little campiness may be fun to get stoned and giggle at, but it also stands in the way of telling amazing tales about the impact of technology on humans. Here's a rulebook for rooting out the campiness from science fiction.
1. People should dress like grown-ups. That means no pajamas. No shiny gold or silver fabrics. No GWAR gear. No matter what era you're writing about, professional people will wear clothes that allow everyone else to take them seriously. And space travelers will probably wear outfits that are functional and help keep them alive.
2. No jolly lectures. This is more of a book thing. When a character stands around for three pages explaining the author's philosophies in a cheery tone, it's the prose version of a giant glittery tiara. I'm looking at you, Robert Anson Heinlein.
3. Take off that shiny apron, robot! The robots of the future will be stronger, smarter and more durable than anything we have today — they'll basically be able to sever your spine with a flick of one of their little microfilaments. So it's understandable and desirable for robots to be cute or sexy to distract us from their genocidal potential. But "cute" doesn't have to include a silly cartoon voice, a catch-phrase like "beady beady" or a funny walk.
4. Rock music cannot possibly get sillier. There are limits to what even the brain-damaged tweens of the 22nd century will bop around to — and there's no way it could be dumber than Debbie Gibson or Aaron Carter. Barring radical brain mutations, future pop music will at least be sorta catchy and have a few okay lyrics. The worst is when a novel or comic book reproduces song lyrics of the future — and they're the author's bad poetry. Somehow, these things are always worse on the page.
5. Neologisms should be plausible. In other words, if you have a future technology, and you're coming up with a name or slang term for it, it should be something you could imagine grown-ups saying. Comedy shows us what not to do in serious SF, with the zany slang in Woody Allen's Sleeper: "It's not only cool, it's Koogat!"
6. Yay sex, but boo zany ironic dominatrixes. That's pretty much all I had to say about that.
7. Cut down on the eyeliner, Mr. Spock! Yes, it matches your blue top. But just listen to Yahoo Answers: light-blue eyeshadow looks "tacky and outdated."
8. In general, aliens should be alien, not human ethnic groups or stereotypes. This pertains to campiness because the number one cause of campy aliens is a failure to imagine a truly non-human lifeform. Instead of the shock of an organism whose life cycle and culture are totally at odds with ours, we get the wacky Jamaicans in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
9. And no more cultures with just one wise saying. If an alien race has managed to make it into interstellar space and develop artificial gravity, it might also be advanced enough to afford two great philosophers or schools of thought. Worst of all are the Ferengi on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, who quote the Rules of Acquisition as if they're the only book Ferenginar has ever produced.
10. If you must have villains, make them awesome. Mike Meyers did us a favor creating Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movies — by giving us a template for what villains should not be like outside of comedies. Villains can be scary, or understated, or believable people whose agendas are at odds with the hero's... but they shouldn't kill us with cuteness.
11. If you must tackle religion, avoid being woo-woo. That means no priests with funny outfits. Yes, priests dress funny in real life, but they're still campy on screen. That also means no prophecies, especially ones with funny names. Visions are okay, if they're more David Lynch and less Derek Jarman.
12. Musicals are inherently campy. Do you ever find yourself watching the Buffy musical episode, or Rocky Horror, and thinking, "Gee, I wish there was more stuff like this in my science fiction?" If so, then maybe you should spend some time in fantasy-land instead. People bursting into song and doing that thing with their hands is directly opposed to the willing suspension of disbelief thing.
13. Punk is campy. Maybe it wasn't in the 1960s, or whenever you guys invented it, but it is now. Sorry. That goes for regular punk (just watch Doomsday) as well as cyberpunk (watch the Matrix sequels) and definitely steampunk. Steampunk is camp-tastic.
14. Time-travel leads to culture shock, not Culture Club. Journeying to another era shouldn't be an excuse for Renfaire/Society for Creative Anachronism goofiness. I've seen enough pithy Victorians (especially on Doctor Who) and doughty Medievals to last me a thousand time warps. And our ancestors may have been less technologically advanced, but they weren't freaking morons. (Well, okay, some of them were.)
15. Robots shouldn't pee. They shouldn't pee on people. They shouldn't pee in space. They shouldn't "vent coolant" in the middle of a hot robo-fisting scene. Robotic urine just should not be part of our lexicon at all.
16. A certain amount of cheesiness may be inevitable in science fiction. Just accept it. The difference between cheesiness and camp is that camp is self-aware and deliberate, and cheesiness is a result of someone fervently saying, "We're going to have giant robots fighting for ten minutes and it's going to be stupendous! Yeah!!"
17. Don't go retro. Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow winks so hard at classic scifi it's got a permanent squint. The 1930s fin-headed scifi was the original reference point for much of the seminal works of camp, and earns a starring role in Susan Sontag's foundational 1964 essay on camp. So looking backwards will only make you look ironic and funnily subversive.
18. Absolutely no go-go boots or sparkles. And no epaulets. Or shoulderpads. Or giant buckles, or insignias that are bigger than someone's hand.
19. No more Angelina Jolie. She's cute, but she camps up every role she's in. Just look at Tomb Raider. And the aforementioned Sky Captain. She's the main reason why this summer's Wanted will be a huge camp-fest.
20. War is hell, but shouty-jumpy soldiers belong in Monty Python. Yes, we get it — you're subverting the deadly conformity of military protocol by having your soldiers act like loons. But a little bit of armed-forces wackiness and slogan-shouting goes a long way. And that goes double for Starship Troopers' fake war propaganda.
21. Don't confuse "campiness" with "fun." You can create a fun, exciting storyline without going the campiness route. Space battles can be adrenaline-blasting, without any need for funny computer voices or zany puppet aliens. We like to watch people kickbox on the the deck of a satellite that's breaking up as much as anybody. Just, you know, without the shiny pajamas. Movie screencaps taken from Wetcircuit.
Comments
Alright so maybe its me, but I don't get the term 'hard sci-fi'. If you base all your predictions on current technology its not fiction, and if you extrapolate current technology and create fiction, its really only a matter of time before we build it.
# 5: The word used in Sleeper was "Cugat" for the stylish hip Cuban bandleader Xavier Cugat. Still, a bit campy but that was the point.
What's the verdict on "Shiny"?
Mondo props for all the references to 'The Apple', hands down the most unintentionally funny movie ever made.
@Grey_Area: Shiny alone doesn't count, shiny camouflage is hella campy though.
#9 is something that's always irked me. Humanity doesn't have one school of thought, and neither should Alien cultures (unless they're hive minds, of course. Or you just have a culture-spanning dictatorship or something)
I find it an insult to the diversity of life.
@Log1c: I meant the neologisim for "cool" as used in Firefly /Serenity.
But yes, shiny clothing is hideously campy
But didn't Queen's soundtrack save the 80s Flash Gordon movie?
Oh yeah, right. Never mind.
I just watched the first hour of Pluto Nash and then gave up.
You do realise that this list condemns the Fifth Element? If anything it proves that campness should not totally be removed from sci-fi.
Also, Rosario Dawson is fit. And Lex Kills Lana.
No proper nouns starting with Z or X.
Zod, Zardoz, Xanadu, Zurg, Zorg, Xander, Planet X, Zaphod, Zul, Zaius... to name a few.
This has been posted many times before but the Andromeda performance from Buck Rogers is as campy as it gets...and I love it!
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@Garrison Dean, King Awesome: Zod: Why do you say this to me, when you know that I will kill you for it? Come, Garrison Dean, son of King Awesome and kneel before Zod!
Realism has its benefits, to be sure, even when talking about the future.
while i do love all the cracks aimed at Buck Rodgers from the 70s ( which btw was pure cheese when it 1st aired doesn't take looking back to know that lol)
This Island Earth is a true classic ( weird in parts but generally well thought through )
And you HAVE to love the nods Sky Capitan made to all of pulp Sci-Fi because again they did as good a job of it as The Rocketeer did.
AND....
I challenge you to name a point in the entire existence of Tomb Raider that wasn't pure camp.
I double dare you... lol
Does #15 exclude "groinal sockets" ala Kryton on Red Dwarf, too? 'Cause I don't want to live in a universe without groinal socket jokes.
I agree with #9, but I have to defend the Rules of Acquisition--it's is written by many wise Ferengi over many centuries and is a kind of living bible. And of course, very profitable...
no go-go boots?? that's a bit harsh, don't you think?
I pretty much agree, except the Angelina part. It's the directors and writers who ruin films she is in.
@foolish-rain: My favorite Rule of Acquisition: Treat people in your debt like family... exploit them.
Boy, talk about spoiling things! Where's science fiction without it's schlock? Romance, horror, war movies -- there's always a subset of schlock that makes you appreciate the good stuff even more. Besides, say what you want, but Flash Gordon was a pretty good schlocky movie. Sometimes all I want is entertainment, and I don't want to have to think too hard. No one will accuse Flash Gordon of being a morality play.
My "thoughts":
Hey, when Heinlein lectured me it made me feel smart & superior. When Asimov lectured me, it made me take a nap. Just sayin'.
& re: funny accents. Is our Lucas learning?
Bender can vent coolent anytime he wants & I won't kick.
Whoever choreographed the fight scenes in ST did a sucky, sucky job. But I like the novel & I found the film fun--if I take it as a critique of American culture and the MIC, which I do.
@Garrison Dean, King Awesome: Hey, I saw Zardoz something like 30 years ago in an art theatrre run by hippies & with no parents in sight. Warped me for life & I'm glad it did...
@BullfightsOnAcid: & I need to second this "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD."
If Galaxy Quest had followed rule #9 we would never have
"By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Warvan, you shall be avenged."
I agree with most of the points, but Sky Captain was cool. It was unique and retro. A real treat for those of us who appreciate the classic styles.
Angelina Jolie: too sexy-cool to bitch about.
One suggestion, stop naming stuff with the descriptors "star" or "space" attached to them. eg: "Stardate", Space Doors", etc.
I don't know, Sting is lookin' pretty hot in that...
thing.
Whatevs, I am an active proponent of the need for more scifi musicals (or musical scifi), so I'm just gonna ignore #12. And hold up "Little Shop" as an example of camp done right.
@Theoban: Actually, if some contemporary humans had their way, earth would be reduced to one school of thought and only one quotable book. I'm willing to excuse the Ferengi on this one because they were intended to be a cautionary example of a society wherein capitalism has totally run amok. But in general, like single-climate planets, one-dimensional cultures suck.
@StrangelyBrown:
Aye, agreed - If some humans had their way we'd all be following a particular creed. But I like to believe that evolution desires diversity, so no matter what temporary unity we achieve we'll always have beloved, beloved chaos.
Agreed on the disco suits. Throw in those Buck disco light strings as well.
Don't mix themes like disco lights and roller disco.
Hmmm, seems to be a recurring theme here.
As for the racial stereotyping, I'd also like to include the evir gleen skinned ariens of the Tlade Fedelation who would not be out of prace in a WW2 movie or James Bond movie (as Asian henchmen or baddies.) Another fuck you, Geolge Rucas.
@X: The Eliminator: in defense of go go boots, i present "raumpatrouille orion" which was all kind of awesome with go go dancers under the ocean.
@Lizzie24601: aww yeah.
Eradicate campiness from Science Fiction?
For the sweet noodley love of the Spaghetti Monster; WHY IN THE HELL WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THAT?
Now presenting Science Fiction. Devoid of any humor or fun.
You can have it.
I'll be over there enjoying myself.
I guess the new Bollywood film (Love Story 2050) is gonna break many of those rules... ;)
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Everybody knows that General Zod is a total ripoff of Zerg from Space Lords.
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As long as science fiction is made by Hollywood idiots who don't have a clue as to what it is (or any semblance of taste or intelligence), everything on this list will appear again and again and again and ....
@jamescole
You could probably bet that "Love Story 2050" will break every rule up there actually.
And still be very entertaining because it will be totally wacko.
So many rules...I hope there isn't a quiz on this tomorrow...
It won't help of course. The problem with tasteless idiots is that they don't know that they're tasteless idiots. Hell, I'm complaining about them; and I could be a tasteless idiot myself...
Although I am wondering about it. I don't think a true tasteless idiot would do that.
So basically, this post can be summed up as "Stupid sci-fi! Be more like BSG!"
@Grey_Area: I liked "shiny" in Firefly, as I like "frak" in BSG. You just have to do it right somehow...
The fact that I can't take my steampunk-disco-pajama-time capsule back to 1970's NYC to kneel at the Altar of Sontag and recite the last sentence of Against Interpretation in a strange, monolithic accent makes me sad though.
@gfburke: Actually, no... BSG violates at least one or two of these rules. It has the campy religious stuff, for one thing.
@Cantonkid:
It's like "Somewhere in time" meets... Aw Hell, who knows what!
Perhaps some machine with temporal-flux emissions that encounters modest but lightly suggestive dancing girls!
"I am thinking you should be dancing now, yes."
Excepting 8 and 9, I vote no on removing campiness from all of sci-fi. (And even then, breaking rules 8 ad 9 can be fun, when consciously done and for a purpose.)Camp is fun, entertaining, and can make a dull movie more memorable. (I wouldn't remember anything from Van Helsing if my dad hadn't pointed out the opera singer screeching "Van Helsing" during all the dramatic moments.) Camp can also be intellectually challenging.
There's room for campy and non-campy sci-fi films alike. So, keep the camp!
Speaking of BSG...
Why don't they ever say "Felgercarb" like they used to?
They use "Frak" enough.
@Charlie Jane Anders: If only Gaius and his "Cyclon" (er, thank you Gawker ian for that one) monotheists would shut up. Then we could get over that arrow of Apollo bullshit from seasosns 2-3, and also Jesus Thrace and Her Special Destiny.
Plus since when are Cylons triggered by weird ass electronica Dylan remixes?!?!?!
I've never had a problem with Jolie on-screen. I actually enjoyed the Tomb Raider films.
That said, I do agree with a lot of these points. I just want to see more thought-provoking, exciting, engaging sci-fi, and less cheap-cash-in, campy garbage. It's almost enough to get me follow that dream of becoming a sci-fi writer...
Though I can't help but think that io9's darling, the recently deceased Flash Gordon series, was a huge, embarrassing step back for the genre. And sometimes I question whether Doctor Who is really worth it all. I'll save you the trouble and stone myself for that thought.
@Grey_Area: Damnit! You beat me...
@helenanapier: I think it works well for TV shows because then a character who would actually swear can, and it doesn't sound stupid. For movies its a hit or miss because just bump that son of a bitch up to an R and call it a day!
@MrBabyMan: Ah, I'm so glad I'm not the only one familiar with "actual actual actual vampires." Glee.
@Log1c: There, there... these things happen.
@Zantor: I agree, "felgercarb" is a perfectly cromulent word. It's sounds like something horrible that has to be cleaned out of the water reclamation system or whatnot.
@Theoban: What you have to consider is that we are such a diverse group because we only have ourselves to compare to. Given a couple of hundred of years/generations as "Humans vs Aliens" instead of "Humans vs Humans" and it will boil down to one major viewpoint in life.
And same goes for the Ferengi. The Rules of Acquisition is the major viewpoint because it has been around for so long, every other viewpoint has been erased. Look at Catholicism, 95% of the South American Population follow it, and it's only been around for 2000 years (with South america for 800). Or look at the US and Democracy/Capitalism. Any talk of anything other then those two is dismissed, and Demo/Cap are pushed upon others. Given a couple of 100 generations, Demo/Cap will become the human viewpoint, with all others ignored.
Out of all of these rules, number 9 is the most plausible, for a civilization to rally behind one philosophy.
And from a tv stance, the reason we only see that aspect of Ferengi's is screentime and conformity. No major characters where Ferengi's, and the characters that were fit in with the established notion (Quark, raised Ferengi) while Quark's son was more human (Raised in the Federation), and his brother an inbetween (Loyal, but moral). Compare the collective Ferengi screentime to that of Humans or Cardasians or Vulcans.
@Garrison Dean, King Awesome: No Zul? What about CthZULu?
@Grey_Area: The problem with felgercarb is just that obscene words tend to be one syllable or two short, crisp ones. It sounds gross, but it's sort of like saying "goat slime." It doesn't have force to it exactly. Jam your finger in a Viper door and you aren't going to shout felgercarb spontaneously.
Look, try not to ruin it for the rest of us who have inexplicable robot-watersport fetishes, okay?
Arrgh! Comment not showing. Frak. Frelling Dren.
@helenanapier: You make an excellent point. Frak.
Then again some expletives do not arise from sudden outbursts but instead are carefully crafted like artesianal baconated chocolate. For example:
"Commander, you sir are a knuckle-dragging backbirth addicted to smoking tampons soaked in the rankest felgercarb. Get thee to an airlock posthaste!"
Sometimes the monosyllabic just isn't enough.
No Xander? I love Xander! And Shiny is, well, SHINY!
@donkeyjote: To be honest, the Ferengi were main characters in DS9. Even the bar was a main character. Quark's pub was the hub of non Federation action and business on the promenade. It provided villians and foils for the Good guys of the Federation. As far as the Ferengi being main characters, are you crazy? There were always 5-6 Ferengi/Ferenginar specific episodes a season. Quark was a main character the whole time. Rom and his son Nog became main characters during the Dominion wars.
I love how this list is so long. It's not Five Ways, or 10 Ways -- no, it takes 21 whole Ways to clean up all that camp!
Also: "Robotic urine just should not be part of our lexicon at all."
Um, I didn't know it was? *trauma*
I fundamentally opposed to this rule:
> No more Angelina Jolie.
So much so that it may be boycott worthy!
Re: Go-Go Boots, you can't beat Raquel Welch doing the SciFo Go-Go Girl thing:
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