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Whose Crotch Weapon is the Biggest, Hardest, and Strongest?

Crotch weapons are the stuff of life in science fiction: You simply can't have a great fight without snapping a giant gun between your legs once in a while, or using your crotch as a finishing weapon in a ninja battle. The question is, which crotch weapon is the best? Which fires the most flaming jizz, and which can crush the most heads? Also, which crotch weapon has the element of surprise? And, for you trivia buffs, whose crotch weapon actually resides in the ass area rather than the frontal zones? Read on for the eight best crotch weapons in science fiction, and (of course) to find out which one wins the crotch weapon measuring contest.


12-megatron-robot-s.jpg In Transformers, the Megatron toy can transform into a Walther P38 gun, a model popular with the Nazis in World War II. This transformation gives him a giant trigger in his crotch (you can see here in the toy). It allows him to deliver focused energy beam blasts. But if we look at the actual capabilities of the Walther P38, we can see it's a semi-automatic but not really any more powerful than the typical hand gun. Obviously a giant-sized one would deliver more oomph. However, I think we can safely say this isn't the biggest or hardest of the crotch weapons.

Astro Boy deploys a machine gun from his butt. This is his main weapon, aside from super-strength and jet-powered flight. He can gun down bad guys, but the fact that these guns sprout from his ass makes them unwieldy.

cocknballgun.jpg The infamous cock and ball gun featured in the psycho-vampire flick from Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino, From Dusk Til Dawn, is a gooder. It can slay a vampire from yards away, and it just looks plain cool. It's hard; it has those semi-automatic testicles attached; and it's really everything a good crotch weapon should be. But is it really big enough?

Kekko Kamen uses her pussy as her finishing weapon in the eponymously-titled manga by hentai auteur Go Nagai. She uses the notorious headscissors takedown to mash her crotch into the bad guy's face and get him good. Nobody survives this ninja lady's crotch. Great weapon for close-range combat.

The main character in recent film Teeth is a mutant who has razor-sharp teeth embedded in her vagina. She uses her super-crotch to defeat a rapist and mangle two guys who have treated her horribly but nevertheless want to stick their junk in the toothy place. This is a great surprise weapon, because our heroine looks like a sweet little teenager who goes to church and eats oatmeal. Points on this one for viciousness and power of surprise.

The Codpiece is a character from occasionally bizarre comic Doom Patrol who basically has a cock-shaped crotch weapon that does everything: it shoots fire, it drills, it slaps people around, and it even grows a weird plunger-looking apparatus. Plus, it looks as spiffy as it could possibly be (see image up top). In terms of versatility and firepower, plus sheer audacity, I'd say the Codpiece is a standout.

In the aptly-named Cannon Crotch flash game, you are Cannoncrotch, a hero who fights the Nazis with your crazy firepowering crotch. Not only is this game one of the most intensely-satisfying flash game experiences you'll ever have, it also wins points for not making any bones (heh) about what it's really about. You play this naked xkcd-looking guy who is basically jizzing bullets. Nice. Get your crotch on with this game here.


Robot Jox has a lovely giant robot transformation scene which is clearly a tip of the hat to our pal Megatron's trigger crotch. When one of the big robots is injured, it fights back by opening up its enormous crotchal region, and releasing a massive chainsaw that slowly and hilariously extends into many-toothed, killer erection. See the scene here if you don't believe me. All those spammers should put that clip into their emails if they really want to sell us their expando-pills.

I'm going to have to go with Codpiece as the winner here, since his weapon is so versatile. But the girl in Teeth makes a close second. I hereby declare Codpiece the WINNER OF THE CROTCHIES.

2:04 PM on Fri May 9 2008
By Annalee Newitz
18,917 views
54 comments

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