io9
With Speed Racer coming out this evening, it's a time to remember cool kid-friendly scifi of the past — like The Incredibles and the Power Puff Girls. But it's also time to excoriate hideous kids' scifi of the past, just to remind ourselves what to avoid when we go looking for flicks to share with our small pals who haven't spent that much time on Earth yet. That's why I want to invite you to my personal E.T. the Extraterrestrial hate-fest. Hated it as a kid, hate it now. But . . . but why? How could I despise something so cute?! I'll give you nine big fat reasons why.
E.T. is penis-shaped for no reason. His face looks like a genital. His neck elongates. And there is NO good reason. You think kids won't notice the penis thing? Give me a break. When I was a kid, that was like all we talked about. I'm fine with throwing penis jokes and fart jokes into kid movies — that's the stuff of life. But doing it without any self-consciousness? Makes director Steven Spielberg look like an amateur. Makes the movie even dumber because kids can actually legitimately make fun of it for containing penises that the grownups DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WERE THERE. C'mon grownups — get with it.
E.T. is too cute and too ugly at the same time. We've already established that E.T. looks like an unattractive genital. At the same time, he is way to freakin cute. What the hell with the waddling and cutsey voice and big giant eyes. Big beating heart? Gross. I am barfing now. Plus that egregious "looks like a toy" scene, where he hides in with the dolls? Puh-leez.
To make matters worse, the 20th Anniversary Edition of ET was redone with CGI and censorship. OK, look, grownups — trying to fix up an already too-cute/too-ugly E.T. by adding crappy CGI ain't going to cut it. Seriously, he just looks way lamer. Meanwhile, Spielberg decided to clean up the movie by replacing the bad guy's guns with radios in one scene (what? you think kids don't know those are really guns?) and then taking out the ONE funny line in the whole movie, where Elliot calls his brother "penis breath." So you take out the one intentionally-funny penis reference, but leave in the penis-shaped alien? WTF, people?
Power of healing sucks. E.T.'s one super-power is healing and making flowers grow. LAME. Healing is totally great and all, but how about combining it with the power to blow shit up or shoot giant knives through his long froggy fingers? Or maybe the power to build big lasers that kill the bad guys with their "radios."
Too similar to Old Yeller. Does it really count as a scifi movie if all you've done is take the plot of Old Yeller — boy meets dog, boy loses dog, boy learns life lesson — and transpose it onto an alien crash-landed on Earth plot? Why not just go see Old Yeller if you want to see cute little boys crying over nonhuman creatures? Just because E.T. helps Elliot fly on his bicycle doesn't make him a better dog than Old Yeller, OK?
Spawned worst videogame ever made. The E.T. videogame wasn't just the most hideous thing ever mde for the Atari 2600 — it was the worst game ever made in the entire world. Rumor has it that it sold so badly that most of the cartridges were turned into landfill.
Product placement frenzy makes movie dated and ridiculous. In their craven desire to get commercial sponsors for E.T., producers decided to use very specific brands in the movie. Elliot feeds E.T. Reeses Pieces (at that time a new candy), and E.T. uses a Speak and Spell handheld "game" (also new in the early 80s) to communicate with his alien buddies. Having these very 80s-specific products in the movie pushes it into retro-cheese territory rather than "movie for all ages" like, well, Old Yeller. I got a hint for you: If you want kids to enjoy your movie for decades, don't use it to advertise products that will look so retarded to kids twenty years later that they won't be able to decide whether to laugh at the penis-headed alien or the lameass Speak and Spell toy.
Two decades worth of kid-alien space movies I blame E.T. for all those crappy kid-alien movies (and ALF), but not for XTRO, which is like the very best alien-kid movie ever.
Neil Diamond wrote a song about E.T. called "Heartlight." Did Nirvana write a song about E.T.? Did Black Sabbath or Big Daddy Kane or Run DMC? No. Neil fucking Diamond, people. I rest my case.
Comments
I never saw it. Saw no reason to see it, see no reason to see it now. Nothing I've ever heard about it has given me any reason to see it.
It might be a masterpiece and I'll never know.
I think that someone needs a nap - followed by a Cute Creature Hate-management course...
no wait. that new ET did blow chunks (hah - did ya get that 80s reference)
carry on.
Hey, I still eat reeses pieces and think of this movie. So that clearly worked. And you can't rag on a movie for dated product placement because Blade Runner basically cursed just about everyone who shows up as a sign in that movie.
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you on Neil Diamond in general and "Heartlight" specifically, Annalee, but I'll give you a replacement reason: E.T. breakfast cereal, which
(1) tasted like shit, instead of peanut butter and chocolate
(2) came in a box only slightly larger than the huge Cheerios boxes
(3) was obviously expensive, because otherwise I don't know why my mom insisted on me finishing all of it before she would buy new cereal.
(You know what was great, though? C-3PO had a cereal, briefly, and it was DELICIOUS.)
You know who I hate? God.
He's such a fucker.
Hey! I had a speak 'n' Spell!
I made it say mildly dirty things, (which to my seven-year-old self consisted of doodoo and fart).
Annalee, you have turned me to the darkside. I used to believe I liked ET, maybe because I haven't seen it in 20 years, but I still had fond memories.
but now, fuck ET (but leave the wig on, baby).
E.T. did inspire a song by Outkast. And they're pretty cool.
But yeh, I hate E.T. too.
@moff: That looks like something doctors use to show you what your throat looks like if you smoke too much.
@Annalee Newitz
"The E.T. videogame wasn't just the most hideous thing ever mde for the Atari 2600 - it was the worst game ever made in the entire world. Rumor has it that it sold so badly that most of the cartridges were turned into landfill."
Thats not a rumor, they buried a warehouse full of them in the Arizona desert, and there was an online project dedicated to finding them.
The people on the site did actually find the location and dug up a couple hundred or so.
btw... I owned a copy and yea it was a totally crappy game... lol
I know this is semi tongue in cheek, but you know Old Yeller is dated too right? What with the clothes and the costumes and the frontier lifestyle.
E.T may not be the best movie ever, but it's probably one of the most widely accepted sci-fi movies of all time. And when was the last time you heard of someone crying while watching a sci-fi movie? I'd bet money it was watching E.T.
I never really thought of ET as a giant penis. I guess that's just me?
As for the healing powers, it sounds like you're basically saying there wasn't enough "pew pew," in the movie for your taste. Hey, maybe you could rent Independence Day?
ET is either ugly, or cute, please pick one. You sound like those douche-bags judges on that project runway show who say things like "it's very dark, yet light at the same time."
The extra-curricular activities of Atari and Neil Diamond have nothing to do with the quality of the original movie.
It's a fantastic movie. And the music is some of John Williams' best.
Also, if you're looking for ways to dog ET, you really missed the boat (see photo).
[elblogdelcangrejo.files.wordpress.com]
Weak.
@Belabras: I guess you haven't heard of The Phantom Menace, friend.
@moff:
Tears of rage are different. But you have a point my friend.
@N__B: With you there. To this day, I have only seen bits of it in commercials. I heard the premise and told myself it wasn't worth the $3.50.
@Belabras: Not tears of rage, no. Sadness... all encompassing sadness... to see a franchise laid low...
Hallelujah, Amen, and good night!
Bless you, Annalee! I no longer feel alone in a silent minority. E.T. is awful, pandering schmaltz, and you're right on point with your entire list.
We're here.
We hate ET for the demeaning tripe that it is.
Get used to it.
I have to ask. If you think E.T. looks like a dick, I have to wonder what kind of insane mutant bulging helmet cocks you've experience with. Most of them look more like Darth Vader (I mean he has a helmet)-
Follow this link to see how great ET was compared to it's possible sequel. I didn't want to direct link a PDF, so go to this page and click on
E.T. II Nocturnal Fears ( I shit you not.)
[writingtreatments.com]
I don't know what any of your penis experiences are like, but I personally have a difficult time calling something with a massive head atop a long, spindly neck "penis-shaped." What species of penis are we talking about, exactly?
"Two decades worth of kid-alien space movies" Surely you're not talking about Mac and Me?
You know what I hate about ET? Drew Barrymore. If she hadn't been in this movie, we would have been spared 25 years of crappy, crappy, crappy Drew Barrymore vehicles, useless SNL appearances, etc
@StrangelyBrown: Penis-esque!!! It gets erect and has sort of bumpy bits. Trust me, the penis thing totally made sense when I was seven.
@Belabras: Or STAR TREK: WRATH OF KHAN. Or was it just me and mom that cried at that movie? Are we total saps?
@moff: I want to try the C3P0 cereal now.
@pinkiedeathhead:
Like Baseball, there is no crying in Khan. It's a rule.
I don't know about the Old Yeller comparison. E.T. would have been much better if it ended with E.T. getting shot in the face.
@moff: auuuugh! kill it with fire!
@CD3s-of-the-future:
Actually the SNL she hosted shortly after the E.T. came out was hilarious. As I recall, she beat the tar out of the xeno-peni with a baseball bat. It was also apparently the episode where she was given tons of beer to drink behind the scenes.
Hmmm. Come to think of it, I suppose it shouldn't be all that hilarious.
Preach it, Sister Newitz! I never liked ET. Didn't like it then, don't like it now, laugh at every joke at it's expense. :D
@Annalee Newitz:
"Bumpy bits" OMFG please tell me you no longer spend time with dicks that have "Bumpy Bits" I mean you did have health class where you grew up right?
@Annalee Newitz: If they'd bring it back and Kool-Aid would rerelease Sunshine Punch, I'd be set for breakfast for the rest of my life.
@Annalee Newitz: All right, I guess it does exhibit penis-like tendencies (and as an alien, it may actually be "his" penis). But equating "penises" with "ET" from age seven? Yikes! That must have set you up for a very interesting adolescence...
I still haven't watched all the way to the end of ET. When I was a kid I read too much scifi and Usborne Illustrated Science Guides too young and found radioactivity the most terrifying thing imaginable. It's only just now, reading plot summaries, that I find there was no radiation sickness in the film; that was what I'd assumed was going on when they became ill and the men in Hazmat suits quarantined the house. At which point, I cried and insisted that we stop watching.
A friend gave me a copy of the DVD for my birthday a few years ago, telling me to get over it already. But somehow I never got around to watching it, and, weirdly, now that I find that I was just plain wrong about the film I discover upon introspecting that I'm much less disinclined to. Now I'm shifting to thinking about it as some schmaltzy crappy kids' film, but before it was pretty much represented internally by a large sign saying "NO!". The odd thing is that I didn't retain the phobia of radioactivity (well, I have a little healthy nervousness of the thing itself, you understand) just the emotional cathexis upon ET. In a similar manner, I can still call back the terror which led to my breaking off 'The Little Mermaid' too before its close.
Just a little slice of my personal psychodrama for you all to enjoy.
I loved ET. I remember taking my little brother to see it. A my group of friends seemed to like it. It was sweet and charming and I have no desire to ever see it again.
See I think ET tried to teach lots of things...
Like knock-offs based on successful movies always suck...
(be they: Video games, cereal, or other movies/ TV shows)...
Sadly, it did just the opposite.. it desensitized us...
I mean yes the ET game was terrible...
but how many other movie video game are terrible... most of them..
@moff: And yes, C-3P0 the cereal was an exception..
And a penis? wow.. weird. I never heard that/thought that as a kid...
Oh Annalee, only nine?
@Belabras: Exactly. I wasn't crying, never happened. Can I help it that they always show Wrath o' Khan in the middle of allergy season?
I hate ET because when my cousin visited me I was forced to go see that movie instead of Firefox (with Clint Eastwood). So instead of seeing a movie about a really neat aircraft, I was forced to watch this sickening thing.
At least Drew Barrymore grew up nice.
I've never actually seen it, but that 2600 game was awesome when I was like 6 years old and didn't know what awesome was.
@diverguy: Firefox. Awesome Spy movie, awesome plane movie, awesome Charlie Jane style Sci-Fi movie.
@knots: They aren't supposed to have bulbous heads on top with blinky blue eyes? Wait, do you guys not have pensises like that? Uh oh I am so confused.
@Garrison Dean, King Awesome: Do not forget: AWESOME BROWSER.
Oh thank God. I thought I was the only one who despised this movie. I hated it when it first came out, with its sappiness ratched up so high it oozed and the playing on people's emtions-look! A cute,lonely boy! A divorced Mom! A cute (not in my opinion)lonely alien! Don't you like them? It was way too manipulative for me-and I was 14 when I saw it.
@Annalee Newitz: Haha, oh yeah. do you suppose....
Also the reverse is somewhat awesome as well.
[www.imdb.com]
I've managed to avoid watching this movie so far. Why spoil a good thing?
Don't forget that the mania for all things ET practically buried another alien-on-earth movie that same year...namely John Carpenter's The Thing, one of the greatest SF movies ever made.
I would say that the plot of E.T. more closely resembles the Christ story than any other, and I wouldn't be the first to point that out. Old Yeller seems like a stretch. For instance, Old Yeller didn't rise from the dead and ascend into the heavens.
Also, if a man's junk looks like E.T., run. There's clearly something wrong.