Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And Hancock

There are just three batches of spoilers this morning, but they're all pretty heavy duty. The first set of full reviews of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull have come out, and they explain way more about the reasons for that movie's title. Also, there was another test screening for Will Smith's slovenly superhero movie Hancock, and it confirms some of the awful reports we've already heard. (Including one Larry Niven-inspired moment.) And then there's another set of pics and spoilers for the animated Batman: Gotham Knight DVD. It's all spoilers below the fold.

Indiana Jones:

Aintitcoolnews has the first obligatory grouchy reviews of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which is suspense-free according to one person who saw an early screening. Some spoilers: Yes, (duh) Shia is Indy's son. Indy is a colonel now, having been a World War II hero. That was a snake Shia was using to save Indy from quicksand. Cate Blanchett actually has psychic powers, (which I bet is true in real life also.)

And here's the crux:

The storyline is basically about an alien corpse from some crash in some town call Roswell, that has magnetic properties that may or may not be the ultimate weapon in the future. The Nazi's are replaced by the Soviets who are obviously bad and want said weapon to do bad things with. The alien corpse prize is replaced with the crystal skull from the corpse (the actual skeleton of aliens is crystaline, and the Crystal Skull is literally an alien's remains) and chases and such ensue as they try to figure out how to 'Return' the skull to the Lost City of Gold and let it's supernatural abilities run rampant.

And apparently we hear endlessly about the unique crystaline structure of this alien's bones, and how they enhance Cate's psychic powers. [Aintitcoolnews]

Hancock:

And Aintitcool also has another damning early review of Will Smith's drunken superhero movie Hancock. The movie starts with Hancock drunk and asleep on the roof of a building while the radio talks about what a public menace he is. Then he stops some robbers and causes tons of property damage (including putting the robbers' car on top of a building.) He picks up a hot woman and takes her back to his two smushed-together mobile homes. He tells her to get away when he ejaculates — and then the girl gets thrown across the room and Hancock's sperm punches three baseball-sized holes in the roof of the trailer.

Hancock saves Jason Bateman's PR agent when his car is stuck on the train tracks with a train coming. Bateman offers to help fix Hancock's image, and the first step is turning himself in to the cops for all that property damage. In prison, Hancock shoves one inmate's head up another inmate's ass, and this is shown quite graphically. Then there's a huge hostage situation in a bank and the city calls for Hancock's help, which he gives. Meanwhile, there are confusing flashbacks about Hancock and a small child that are never explained.

Hancock has a weird vibe with Bateman's wife, played by Charlize Theron. Hancock doesn't remember anything earlier than waking up in hospital 80 years earlier with two tickest to Frankenstein in his pocket. And then the truth comes out:

Charlize later reveals that she and Will are descendants of Gods or Angels... she was at one time Isis. She also reveals that they were once husband and wife! We also find out that they are each others respective kryptonites. The more time they spend together, the weaker and more mortal they become... so they need to stay apart. She was at the movies with Hancock 80 years ago. They were on the road to mortality when Will saw a man getting mugged. Will intervened and got clocked in the skull. He lost his memory and Charlize decided to disappear from his life because the world needs one hero— Hancock!

Bateman is upset that his wife is a superhero, and he's worried that she's about to become his Super Ex-Girlfriend (sorry, couldn't resist.) And there's a big argument, and Hancock goes off to get drunk, only to stop a liquor store robbery. But because of Theron's malign influence, the bullets hurt Hancock and he's rushed to hospital.

Then the hostage-taking bank robber (from earlier) shows up at the hospital. The bank robber shoots Charlize, and then Hancock gets his powers back as Charlize gets weaker. (And yes, it makes no sense.) Hancock beats the bank robber and his cronies, with some help from Bateman. And then Hancock realizes Theron is dying, and he has to get as far away from her as possible so she can regain her immortality. The film ends with Hancock living as a superhero in New York, while Bateman and Theron are happy together in L.A. [AintItCoolNews]

And now that you're all excited to see Hancock, here are some new pics. [IESB]

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Batman: Gotham Knight:

More info has come out about another segment of the animated Batman: Gotham Knight DVD. The penultimate segment, Brian Azzarello's "Working Though Pain," is less violent than his usual work. The segment "explores an early chapter of Bruce Wayne's training as a mysterious and exotic Indian woman named Cassandra introduces Batman to techniques that would help him to conquer the physical and spiritual consequences of what he does." And yes, the synopsis actually says "exotic Indian woman." I know. Here are some stills:

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS

Maximum Spoilers For Indiana Jones And HancockS