io9
There are just three batches of spoilers this morning, but they're all pretty heavy duty. The first set of full reviews of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull have come out, and they explain way more about the reasons for that movie's title. Also, there was another test screening for Will Smith's slovenly superhero movie Hancock, and it confirms some of the awful reports we've already heard. (Including one Larry Niven-inspired moment.) And then there's another set of pics and spoilers for the animated Batman: Gotham Knight DVD. It's all spoilers below the fold.
Indiana Jones:
Aintitcoolnews has the first obligatory grouchy reviews of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which is suspense-free according to one person who saw an early screening. Some spoilers: Yes, (duh) Shia is Indy's son. Indy is a colonel now, having been a World War II hero. That was a snake Shia was using to save Indy from quicksand. Cate Blanchett actually has psychic powers, (which I bet is true in real life also.)
And here's the crux:
The storyline is basically about an alien corpse from some crash in some town call Roswell, that has magnetic properties that may or may not be the ultimate weapon in the future. The Nazi's are replaced by the Soviets who are obviously bad and want said weapon to do bad things with. The alien corpse prize is replaced with the crystal skull from the corpse (the actual skeleton of aliens is crystaline, and the Crystal Skull is literally an alien's remains) and chases and such ensue as they try to figure out how to 'Return' the skull to the Lost City of Gold and let it's supernatural abilities run rampant.And apparently we hear endlessly about the unique crystaline structure of this alien's bones, and how they enhance Cate's psychic powers. [Aintitcoolnews]
Hancock:
And Aintitcool also has another damning early review of Will Smith's drunken superhero movie Hancock. The movie starts with Hancock drunk and asleep on the roof of a building while the radio talks about what a public menace he is. Then he stops some robbers and causes tons of property damage (including putting the robbers' car on top of a building.) He picks up a hot woman and takes her back to his two smushed-together mobile homes. He tells her to get away when he ejaculates — and then the girl gets thrown across the room and Hancock's sperm punches three baseball-sized holes in the roof of the trailer.
Hancock saves Jason Bateman's PR agent when his car is stuck on the train tracks with a train coming. Bateman offers to help fix Hancock's image, and the first step is turning himself in to the cops for all that property damage. In prison, Hancock shoves one inmate's head up another inmate's ass, and this is shown quite graphically. Then there's a huge hostage situation in a bank and the city calls for Hancock's help, which he gives. Meanwhile, there are confusing flashbacks about Hancock and a small child that are never explained.
Hancock has a weird vibe with Bateman's wife, played by Charlize Theron. Hancock doesn't remember anything earlier than waking up in hospital 80 years earlier with two tickest to Frankenstein in his pocket. And then the truth comes out:
Charlize later reveals that she and Will are descendants of Gods or Angels... she was at one time Isis. She also reveals that they were once husband and wife! We also find out that they are each others respective kryptonites. The more time they spend together, the weaker and more mortal they become... so they need to stay apart. She was at the movies with Hancock 80 years ago. They were on the road to mortality when Will saw a man getting mugged. Will intervened and got clocked in the skull. He lost his memory and Charlize decided to disappear from his life because the world needs one hero— Hancock!Bateman is upset that his wife is a superhero, and he's worried that she's about to become his Super Ex-Girlfriend (sorry, couldn't resist.) And there's a big argument, and Hancock goes off to get drunk, only to stop a liquor store robbery. But because of Theron's malign influence, the bullets hurt Hancock and he's rushed to hospital.
Then the hostage-taking bank robber (from earlier) shows up at the hospital. The bank robber shoots Charlize, and then Hancock gets his powers back as Charlize gets weaker. (And yes, it makes no sense.) Hancock beats the bank robber and his cronies, with some help from Bateman. And then Hancock realizes Theron is dying, and he has to get as far away from her as possible so she can regain her immortality. The film ends with Hancock living as a superhero in New York, while Bateman and Theron are happy together in L.A. [AintItCoolNews]
And now that you're all excited to see Hancock, here are some new pics. [IESB]
Batman: Gotham Knight:
More info has come out about another segment of the animated Batman: Gotham Knight DVD. The penultimate segment, Brian Azzarello's "Working Though Pain," is less violent than his usual work. The segment "explores an early chapter of Bruce Wayne's training as a mysterious and exotic Indian woman named Cassandra introduces Batman to techniques that would help him to conquer the physical and spiritual consequences of what he does." And yes, the synopsis actually says "exotic Indian woman." I know. Here are some stills:
Comments
Aintitcool news it a terrible site full of whiney idiots led by the biggest fathead of all.. Ignore them and pray it goes away - I do.
Hancock does sound like a mess and always did but sperm punching holes in the celling? who the hell though that was a good idea... Oh well one to rent, drunk obviously
So Hancock is Super Ex-Girlfriend II?
Hancock gets weirder every time I read about it. WTH?
Hancock (masturbatory pun there?) seems off the wall and unique, just what all the crits have been demanding, so everybody hates it.
Just like, dare is say it "Howard the Duck" AKA worst movie ever.
I have decided; critics are not all that much better than the rest of the human race after all.
Movie plans this week end? I plan to ignore Speed Racer with brain halves. If i want my eyes to hurt, i will rent "Yellow Submarine" which at least has some tunes.
@codydog: Your argument is not helped by citing Howard the Duck. It really is quite the piece of shit.
Not the *worst* movie ever, though. That's a tie between Highlander 2 and The Piano.
I'll say it again, that Indiana Jones movie sounds like Star Wars prequels vol 2. Someone really needs to stop George Lucas from having anything to do with cinema.
Hancock sounds like it might be a good time, though.
Wasn't Indiana Jones already a World War I hero?
I really really hope that spoiler about Hancock is wrong. Please. I mean it isn't going to be a great movie to begin with, but that spoiler... well it spoils the whole thing.
@braak: Well, he was *in* WWI, though I don't recall him being specifically heroic in a way that would get him called "WWI War Hero"
But that was true of more than a few participants in WWII, so...
yeah i don't know why but i am interested in hancock. i'm sure by looking forward to it i'll end up disappointed...but the idea of a drunken superman is too cool. especially when iron man didn't even TOUCH tony's alcoholism. sure he was drinking a couple times, but there were no drunken iron man flights!
@JennaW: I'd think someone should be calling him a hero for sneaking onto that German airbase and blowing up their gigantic, long-distance bomber.
@JennaW: you take that back. Highlander 2 isn't the worst movie ever, because it never happened. Don't you see?
IT NEVER HAPPENED.
@JennaW: Worst movie ever goes to Pink Flamingos. I've watched it twice for some reason.
Hancock actually sounds pretty cool, in the off the wall fashion, where it isn't the same redemption story or something equally cheesy.
@braak:
OOooo! Total Young Indy Recall! *impressed* I think he's a hero -- and there were people who were heroes in both wars, so *make it so!*
@zerofritz:
You're DEEP in denial, maaaaaan!
I know you're just trying to wipe out the memory of the seriously disturbing/disgusting/faintly hilarious bullet-riddling scene, but THERE'S NO WAY TO UNSEE THAT!
@Log1c: I see no one is leaping to the defense of The Piano...
I rest my case.
Hancock just sounds dire. We've got: sperm punching holes in the ceiling, room for only one superhero (the dude, obviously), and the woman nearly dies and only said dude can save her. They should just rename this thing Behold the Power of the Penis already and be done with it. You couldn't pay me to watch that misogynistic crap.
Actually, I'd like to nominate "Lost in Translation" as one of the worst movies ever.
It's not THE worst, because Bill Murray has some funny moments, but it's right up there.
@JennaW: I'm sure someone out there likes it, but I know of no one who likes Pink Flamingos, turkey baster babies, shit eating, and sausage tied to a penis. Pink has it all!
@screaminscott: Bite your tongue, Scooter, bite your tongue.
That movie is stunning.
You're entitle to your opinion of course. I just think it's important to make you aware that it's wrong.
@JennaW: Howard had me at "Dike on Bikes" and owned me at" I Can't fly, i'm a duck"
Worse movies/ Here are some i have seen in theaters that are much worse
War of the Worlds
Mission Impossible II
What ever that Scots quarantine movie was Annalee liked so much
Death Proof
Kill Bill I
Silent Running
Kill Bill II
ET
Close Encounters
Everything by M. Night Whassface
Alien V Predator II
I could go on, but why bother?
@codydog: You really have Close Encounters in the same category as Alien Versus Predator II?
I don't even understand the process that you use to evaluate these things.
@JennaW: That movie had...it...
Sam Neil was totally in that movie.
@codydog: Oh, dear. We can never be friends now that you've dissed the Kill Bill movies -- especially if you think they're worse than Howard the Duck!
I mean, come on. You can enjoy any movie you like, but defending HtD as not a bad film is...
AIGH! We're arguing our opinions as provable facts! The second biggest waste of time on the internet (after semantic arguments).
I quit... ;)
@braak: and she picks HARVEY KEITEL!
For that alone...
I know it's just a BLOG, but can we at least have some spell checkers turned on when writing these articles, or at the least, please read over what you've written before posting?
Oh, worst movie ever threadjack!
(leaves the room)
@Plague:
... *kicks at dirt, shamefaced*
codydog totally started it!
@JennaW:
Yeah, but considering he has one of the stupidest lists ever created by a living human, you should have ignored him and walked away.
You're better than that, JW.
@Plague: It is hurting my brain, as I try and figure out what kind of qualities those movies have in common. I am having trouble just thinking up a category that includes only those movies.
@Plague: Hey! I did after he posted that list! >:(
@JennaW: Highlander 2 worst film ever? No doubt you haven't seen Highlander 5: The Source, or you would consider Highlander 2 a masterpiece. Compared to The Source, it really, really is.
I don't remember The Piano, apart from the alluring music and the nudity. That probably says something, though...
I wished for a second I hadn't read the Indy-spoilers, then I realized that I'll probably enjoy it more now that I know of all the crap I can expect. That said, not much of an Aintitcool-fan myself. How does such a ridiculously crappy website get so much, dare I say it, credibility?
@jbq: Yeah, when I see a really bad numbered film, I *usually* don't watch any of the rest of its sequels...
Please don't bring up the Star Wars prequels. I was in a with a bad crowd and they *peer-pressured me into seeing 2 & 3!* ...they HAD THE HIGH GROUND, DAMMIT!
@braak: Personal taste?
UFO's bore the crap out of me, just like zombies and pretension
@JennaW: I don't like gore. I don't like watching women get butchered. I don't like listening to women screaming. I dont like watching people being tortured. Is that pre-post-feminist of me?
Sorry
@JennaW: Well, all of the Highlander-sequels ignore each other in turn, and also bear absolutely no resemblance to each other (apart from 3 being a '90's version of 1, and 4 using unused footage from 1 and 3 as well as tying in the TV-show). It's the worst treated franchise in the history of franchises. AvP and SW are lightyears away from it. And to think how cool it could have been...
But 5 is the wackiest of them all. The others (apart from 2) at least pretend to be about some immortal guy fighting other immortal guys to become the last one alive, but the fifth film is about some funky magic source that REMOVES their immortalities, and makes no sense at all. Oh, and some weird white guy from the dawn of time who talks like an American gameshow host and moves like Taz from Looney Tunes (I shit you not).
@codydog: On the other hand, you're a HUGE fan of bestiality!
I'm kind of crazy in that I usually read reviews and check ratings before I go to movies, and at the very least, when I see the name "Tarentino" anywhere on a movie poster, I'm pretty sure there will be blood, violence, screaming, etc. So, y'know, if I didn't want to see those things, I wouldn't go to those movies.
But your tastes aren't a baseline for judging absolute quality.
Also... ET? Is it the penis thing? I bet it's the penis thing...
@jbq:
Your hopeful approach to filmgoing is inspiring -- always believing things could get better...!
It brings a tear to my eye.
@JennaW:
Dammit!
Nevermind.
@codydog: Ohhh, I misunderstood.
You didn't like Close Encounters. I thought you were saying that Close Encounters was a worse movie than Howard the Duck.
Like, the writing wasn't as good, the acting wasn't as good, the direction wasn't as good, the effects weren't as good.
It's easy not to like Close Encounters, but you'd have to be on crack to say it was a bad movie.
Plan 9 from Outer Space is still the worst film of all time. It's just bad.
@codydog:
ET worst than Howard the Duck?
There is a difference between a bad movie, and a movie YOU didn't like.
@JennaW: Something like that... I just kept hoping that someone would treat Highlander the way it should... (Also, immortal dudes chopping heads of each other sounds like too cool of a concept to fuck up. But, alas...).
Indy was a WWII Hero.
Didn't he, Quint, and Apollo Creed, blow up a bridge...or a dam that caused a bridge to collapse.
I even Think Apollo and James Bond Jaws had it out.
@JennaW: Never said i was an absolute authority.. As for Kill Bill, my wife loved it, and i sat through it.
Howard was not a beast, he was a duck..
I just didn't like the trailer of ET. didnt pay to see it, and the bits i have seen on the tube haven't made me go rent it. Too cute. I own all the penises i need, thanks.
And three points.
A) I saw a guy knifed like 80 times, that was enough blood for me.
B) I got stomped once or twice and pissing blood takes a lot of the romance out of beating scenes.
C) I work as a woodworker, and shedding blood on a regular basis makes that whole gore scene a little boring.
But that's just me. I just offer my opinion because this is a blog. And that's what you do on blogs.
@JennaW: Confession time: I saw Howard the Duck in the theaters. But only because I was such a fan of the Steve Gerber comic.
'Course, I also saw Highlander II in the theaters. With some MST3Kin' buddies.
@braak: If it has flying saucers in it, it sucks. Possible exception for Independence Day. Yes it's my opinion. I get paid to review books, not movies.
When i get paid to write a movie, i will be a nexpert. Until then, i'm just a spurt.
@br4nd0n: Not to me, they're ain't. Set and setting. Casablanca may have been the best movie ever, but it bored me.
@Priam: Angry Red Planet.
So when exactly does Indy drive around in the hot rod, pissing off Richie Cunningham and Richard Dreyfuss? That was after being a war hero but before living with the Quakers right?
@codydog: Okay, well...
Oh, never mind.
@codydog: Citizen Kane is the best movie ever.
@codydog:
Sorry about your personal experiences, but that still doesn't make a film good or bad.
[elitist mode ON]
Uninformed opinions are a dime a dozen. People who have studied film (*hand up*) learn how to evaluate films by other criteria such as what the film is trying to accomplish (rather than by what entirely different film I wanted to see that day but didn't).
But I've also studied literature, and if you professionally review books the same way you throw out your opinions on films [some of which you haven't even seen!]...?
It is massively unfascinating to "discuss" things with someone whose entire argument for or against something is based on their visceral reaction to it.
[/elitist mode OFF]
@JennaW: ...
*slow clap
@JennaW: [/signed]
Aliens??!! You have got to be kidding me. Aliens??!! This bit of information just killed the new Indy movie for me. I can believe biblical wrath (they did it twice!). I can even take some myth/hocus pocus stuff (although I thought the middle movie was kind of meh.). But aliens? That's the story they are sticking with? And Roswell/Area 51 no less. I am so very very sad right now.
p.s.: Plan 9 from Outer Space is one of the best movies I have ever seen. Ed Wood was a genius! Even though the movie did have, well, yeah, aliens.
@codydog: I would still have to say Plan 9. I guess I am biased because I am related to Tor Johnson, but I think I am still right. After actually seeing it in a theatre and not on television, I truly believe it is one of the worst things ever put on film. That includes student films, but not necessarily youtube junk. It is just horrible.
Plan 9 is quite the entertaining movie.
Anyone who claims it is the worst movie ever made is just wrong and really hasn't delved into the true nature of "bad".
The honor of "worst movie of all time" goes to The Creeping Terror.