io9
Why are audiences swooning over Iron Man's shiny suit but not over Speed Racer's sleek car? I mean, what the hell is going on when people have already spent nearly $200 million on watching lameass Iron Man get revenge in Afghanistan, but only about $20 million watching the awesome Speed zoom with sparkly CGI pizzazz across all those finish lines? Analysts have speculated that Speed Racer's death by box office might have been caused by a boring and confusing plot, or early negative reviews. But I know the real reason. Speed Racer is freaking people out because it's just too gay. Here are ten reasons why.
10. Most of the colors in Speed Racer are sparkly pastels, not the hard reds and butch "gold titanium alloy" of Iron Man. What is this? Queer Eye for the action hero?
9. Speed Racer dresses in a shiny purple suit at one point, and in a scarf at another. He wears a lot of white, and is just as pretty as Trixie, his girlfriend who drives a helicopter and repairs engines in the shop. Gender bending in an action movie not directed by Ridley "G.I. Jane" Scott? Not allowed.
8. Monkeys are gay.
7. When there's a ninja fight, Racer X pulls the ninja's pants off and we see that he's wearing big white boxers with a cute pattern on them. What kind of counter-ninja pulls off the ninja's pants? And what kind of ninja wears big white boxers?
6. One of the semi-good guys, Taejo (Rain), dresses up like a woman as part of an elaborate scheme for revenge. And he looks seriously hot in lady clothes.
5. Which reminds me of director Larry Wachowski, long rumored to be fond of lady clothes himself — or perhaps even on the road to becoming a woman. I can't believe how many people writing about Speed Racer have mentioned Larry's gender. Who the fuck cares about whether Larry is a he or a she or a bug person? Unless you are worried that this movie is too GAY for you.
4. One of the bad guys wears fake snakeskin and yells "ooohhhh!" a lot.
3. Several other bad guys are giant hairy men dressed in furs and Viking helmets. I think some of them might even have been centerfolds in Bear magazine.
2. Trixie's outfit matches her helicopter.
1. Speed loves his mother and is super-nice to his girlfriend. Obviously a homo! A true straight dude would be like Iron Man, obsessing over his dead dad and abusing every woman in his life.
Comments
Okay... where is this coming from?
Well, for one, Iron Man is just an overall better movie, and not all of us are ritalin addled 8 year olds. Also, bright colors give me seizures.
Finally, the movie's pretty gay. Damn monkeys.
I don't think you can simply say that Iron Man is a better movie, therefore it makes more money. I mean, a lot of REALLY CRAPPY movies make a lot of money.
@PVIII: It's not better. It's just butcher.
I don't care if it is gay, this movie was awesome. Absolutely delirious, like nothing I have ever seen.
@DrLocrian: I don't think it's a better movie. I actually think it's a far suckier movie.
Haha, what a hilarious article. I thought that the movie was shit honestly. I guess I'll just stick to the old cartoons.
I think that it means the movie will play to a lot of quadrants. I mean it's got 93% at RT, praise from the NYT, WSJ, etc. and SR is at 30 something, rated PG, and geared towards young kids. Iron Man's semi-rooted in reality, Speed Racer doesn't even bother (not sure if that's a B.O. factor, but whatever)...anyways, the list goes on.
It's not gay, it's Japanese. Gay culture and Japanese pop culture share quite a few cosmetic similarities.
I offer these Hyde videos as evidence:
+ Watch video
+ Watch video
+ Watch video
/admittedly, I do think this one kicks ass
@Annalee Newitz: Aren't fast cars the epitomy of butchness though? Or at least overcompensation?
while i have no desire to see either iron man or speed racer, i'd definitely see speed racer before iron man. i mean, iron man? really?
Hmmmm... My memory isn't what it used to be. But I distinctly recall thinking the same thing about the original Speed racer. From the theme music to the gay monkey.
Why is everyone cluing into this only now?
@Annalee Newitz: I haven't seen either, but I'm genuinely looking forward to both. My wife and I don't see movies in the theatre anymore, due to profound lack of babysitter.
ranter, i believe that equating lame with gay is pretty hateful.
also: preferring explosions to nice outfits does not make one a homophobe.
LMAO!!!! THAT WAS JUST HILARIOUS
This also explains how Ruben Studdard beat Clay Aiken in Season 2 of American Idol.
Wait, what?
I thought the real problem with Speed Racer was that it couldn't decide whether it's trying to be a hyperactive kids' movie or a Gen-X nostalgia piece. It turns out that those two things are mutually exclusive: what 30-something wants to stare at a strobe light for 129 minutes? And what kid even knows who Speed Racer is?
If this had been feature-length anime, however, it would be doing crazy business. As it is, it seems more like Japsploitation than clever homage.
It's that monkey, he's ruined it for everyone!
"8. Monkeys are gay."
So where do all the baby monkeys come from, are they all adopted? (confused, worried)
@adaorardor: Yes, really. I was never an Iron Man fan but this was a very very good Action Movie.
Speed Racer? I don't care how gay it is I'm still not watching it. Visually induced seizures=not fun.
Ok, this rant was pretty funny.
But as an actual gay, I can tell you I went to see Speed Racer on Saturday night and it's not gay at all. If it was, Matthew Fox would have been shirtless throughout.
you all know this was intended as a kids movie, right?
@extracrispy: I lived in the Castro for years and I concur--not nearly gay enough. No ass-less chaps, no beefcake and only John Goodman representing the bears.
@nonbreakingspace: "Damn dirty apes" has a whole new meaning now, doesn't it?
@dry-roasted-peanuts:
OH YES!
HYDE on IO9!
And no, this movie wasn't gay.
It was a goddamned Everlasting Gobstopper for the eyes.
@extracrispy: Shirtless and filmed from the crotch up. Tight pants too.
Yes. The answer is yes.
@Grey_Area: i've always thought iron man was one of the worst comic heroes, so i'm biased from the outset, but (honest question) is 'iron man' anything more than "ahhh im iron man!! 'sploidy 'sploidy! testosterone!"? because that's what all the media makes it seem like.
i would expect that speed racer would at least have some post-modern panache, though i fear that it may even fail at that (i.e. the second and third matrix films).
I would like to pre-order the DVD set of the Wachowski Bug Persons trilogy, please.
It's not gay enough. If they'd done a campy musical version of it then it would have been entertaining. Instead we got a headache-inducing mess of visuals and waaaay too much talk. No one who makes movies out of any of the classic pop culture material ever seems to get it right and recreate the original rather than "re-imagine" it. - radii
What's funnier than the post (which is a hilarious piece of pulitzer-winning writing, by the way! :D ) are the actual aggrivated responses both defending Iron Man and condeming Speed Racer. Really guys? Our snark detectors broken today? :D
That being said, I haven't seen either, and I plan to pull a double feature, maybe this weekend. The question is, which do I see first and which do I see second? I'm thinking Iron Man first and Speed Racer second. I want to come out of the theatre wired like I just drank a ton of PowerThirst:
+ Watch video
The monkey's the only good part of it.
It might not have been *gay enough* for you gay connoisseurs. But it was *too gay* for the world.
@foolish-rain: I thought the Vikings represented the Bears! But yeah John Goodman too.
Disturbingly, my desire to see this movie has increased after reading this...
I do so hope it's because of the train-wreck factor and not the color co-ordination.
You know what's real gay? The X-Men movies. And they did pretty well at the box office.
The X-Men films, especially the second one, are gayer than Sex and the City. You breeders know that, right?
The movie was crappy. It was by the people that did the Matrix trilogy, so I should have known what I was getting myself into. I can't believe I even paid for it. I should have walked out like with Gone Fishin'. I call for a boycott of Wachowski brothers films.
@extracrispy: X-Men -- totally gay, but not *too* gay.
huh? No.
Actually, this movie really needs to be re-marketed to the stoner/LSD/Pink Floyd crowd as a midnight movie.
The colors (and the plot) in this movie scream for a non-sober audience.
I've not yet seen Iron Man, but I caught Speed Racer on the local IMAX screen on Saturday morning and loved it. I went in expecting candy-colored neon meth liberally sprinkled with crack and got it in spades, but I found it surprisingly moving at parts - specifically, Mom telling Speed why she loves to watch him drive, the flashback to the report of Rex's accident, and Pops telling Speed that he doesn't want to repeat the mistakes he made with Rex.
That said, the end of the climactic Grand Prix race? Most obvious sexual metaphor since Luke Skywalker shot down the Death Star.
Possible Reason 11: The very first thing we are told about Speed Racer is that he comes. Indeed, that he comes twice in the first sentence.
Speed racer has been growing on me. I might have to see it again. Oh and those colors were way too saturated to be pastels.
just shows that jap pop culture american pop culture
I won't bother with Speed Racer because I never liked Speed Racer, and it just looks too cheesy and overwrought, even for a kid's movie. Just too Disney on a acid and meth cocktail.
I was never really a fan of Iron Man, other Marvel universe comics but I never bought an Iron Man comic. The movie appeals to me more than Speed Racer though because it relates to things that make sense to me. Technology, politics, drinking, and having issues.
What I find ironic is that the original Gen X metro sexual is playing the butch in this argument.
Monkeys are not gay.
Monkeys dressed as toddlers are gay.
Monkeys dressed as samurai are awesome cool.
Word is still out on whether monkeys dressed as spacemen are gay.
@MonkeyT: And there's nothing more macho than Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey!
+ Watch video
I loved Speed Racer. I liked Iron Man. As far as profits go, I would bet that in 10 years people are still watching Speed Racer and not so much with the Iron Man. Though I would also bet that a large number of those people will be on drugs. Hell, I want to take drugs and watch this.
I'm glad someone (sorry don't remember who) mentioned the candy aspect. I was thinking of candy the whole time...or maybe sugar cereal. Can we get some glowing neon colored lucky charms plz? Marshmallows only, shape of race cars. THX!
@bonniegrrl: I wonder if the movie will synch up with Dark Side of the Moon?
Whoops, another gay crossover, sorry.
@adaorardor: It is, in fact, not much more than that. It's an above average not much more than that though...
I'm skipping Speed Racer I think. Next up: Redbelt & Indiana Jones (nostalgia has value.)
Quite frankly, it wasn't gay ENOUGH. Speed and the Asian guy *totally* should've been making out instead of fighting each other.
The weird thing is, I am a *reasonably* straight male but even *I* was wishing for more homosexuality in the film. That doesn't mean the film isn't completely awesome, though. It's like watching NASCAR while tripping your balls off on DMT!
@Annalee Newitz: AND THEN WE FINALLY FOUND THE GAY-BUT-NOT-TOO-GAY MOVIE THAT WAS JUUUUUUUUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF GAY.
@