Unfilmed Indy 4 Script Has 23 Percent More Awesomeness

What would Indiana Jones 4 have been like without Shia LaBoeuf's cocky young character Mutt? Now you can find out for yourself, thanks to a leaked copy of Frank Darabont's draft of the Indy 4 script that's floating around the internet. (It should be pretty easy to find via Google — and people seem to think it's genuine, but you never know.) Bottom line: It's a bit more exciting, but still pretty hokey. And it features some mean-ass aliens. Spoilers for a movie you'll never see, after the jump.

The Darabont script, titled Indiana Jones And The City Of God, follows roughly the same trajectory as the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. The main difference, besides the missing Mutt, is that the "traitor" character is a Russian named Yuri. He's a friend of Indy's, who takes advantage of Indy's trusting nature to borrow Indy's truck and get inside a military base. So it makes a lot of sense that the CIA mistrusts Indy afterwards. There's no Irina Spalko in the script at all.

The script still has the rocket-sled escape, and Indy still uses a fridge to escape a nuclear blast. There's also a huge airplane chase, a mile above the ground, which would have looked fantastic on film. (Except that a monkey poops on Indy.)

With no Mutt to ask for Indy's help, Indy just sort of gets drawn into a web of intrigue instead. He finds the crystal skull in a hotel room whose key he gets from a Grand Central Station locker, whose key he takes, in turn, from an assassin's pocket.

Marion is still in the movie, and actually has a way better part. When she first sees Indy, she punches him in the face. "I told you if I ever saw you again, I'd pop you one!" Marion is in charge of the expedition to find the Lost City of the Gods, and Indy gets signed up as her partner because he has the crystal skull. She and Indy bicker constantly and entertainingly. She's married to a jerky archeologist whom Indy hates — and who turns out to be a Russian spy. "This isn't like leaving the cap off the toothpaste! You're a goddamn Russian spy!"

There are still the giant ants, but there's also a scene where they get attacked by a swarm of killer tree frogs. Really. Killer tree frogs! "Don't let touch 'em! Don't let 'em get on your skin!" Indy shouts.

When they enter the "Chamber of the Gods," there's a star map showing the Pleiades system. There are thirteen headless crystal skeletons, and Indy somehow knows which one to put the skull on. Replacing the skull causes a huge dark machine to emerge and thunder into life, and we can see the aliens the skeletons belonged to, seated in "astronaut blast-seats." An alien mummy appears, with tubes connected from its body to a column, and it starts seeping fluids from its tubes as it connects with the alien skeleton via eye-beams. The alien speaks through Professor Oxley:

WE ARE THE ONES WHO FELL FROM THE HEAVENS. WE ARE THE NEPHALIM. WE ARE THE RUBEZAHL. WE ARE THE LIGHTS IN THE SKY. YOUR KIND HAS GIVEN US MANY NAMES. YOU MAY WORSHIP US.

And the alien reveals that his race "enhanced" humans and gave us civilization. And gave us "knowledge of the stars," including the Mayan calendar. The aliens lift up the five men who seek knowledge/power/whatever — including Indy — and offer them whatever they want. But Indy alone isn't tempted by ultimate knowledge or power, because he realizes what he really wants is Marion. Aww. Everybody else gets a poetic punishment — the evil archeologist who wants total knowledge has his head explode with knowledge, the evil dictator of Peru who wants to be the most feared and deadly becomes a poisonous tree frog. (Later, Indy steps on him.)

Just as things are reaching their peak, Indy shoots the crystal skull, right between the eyes. Blam! Things go boom. And then the alien mummy comes to life and becomes a living alien. Indy says, "Welcome to Earth," and shoots the alien. Blam!Blam!Blam!Blam!Blam! (He doesn't say the "MF" word, sadly.) The alien spaceship tries to take off, a huge saucer rising out of the ground, but it blows up.

We get more resolution on the Indy-is-a-traitor plot — President Eisenhower himself gives Indy the presidential Medal of Total Awesomeness at the end of the movie, and then it cuts to Indy marrying Marion. Awww.

Separately, there's a leaked "scriptment" for an earlier version called Indiana Jones And The Saucer Men From Mars, which is more of a straightforward B-movie about buglike aliens (who speak Sanskrit) and their ultimate weapon that the Russians are trying to get their grabby little hands on. [Thanks to Jack Morrissey's Nerdletter]