Sep 6, 2008 12:00 PM
8,561
Enter your username and password.
San Francisco, 2:22 AM
Wed Feb 10
25 posts in the last 24 hours
Sarah Palin! She's what's been keeping the media occupied all week, and not because she happens to look like the cancer-ridden President of the 12 Colonies. No, it's been her cheery demeanor, her undeniable sexual appeal and dedication to family matters. She's the perfect Republican VP pick for everyone; rallying the base, confounding the opposition and sucking up attention like a news vacuum. But can anyone be that perfect, or have we met the first Stepford Candidate?
Say what you like about The Stepford Wives, but it's definitely an American dream. A wife that, as countless fictional mothers across the world will tell you. fulfills the male fantasy of being a whore in the bedroom, a world-class chef in the kitchen and a Madonna to raise children... Which red-blooded American male wouldn't want that? But with the entrance into the national political arena of Sarah Palin - a woman who is all about family values but doesn't mind dressing in a patriotic bikini clutching in a rifle for the NRA fetishists amongst her constituents - we may now have reached the point where subservient fembots have left their Connecticut home and reached Washington, DC - Via Wasilla, Alaska, of course.
There have been some signs that Palin may, in fact, be more programmable politibot than human; look at the way that she has disregarded her past decisions for the good of her new political husband, for example, or the fact that she's distracting potential voters from the issues with her feminine wiles (Four times more popular than Obama, which is just a shame. I mean, he's a fine looking man, people). And what about her strange permanently excited monotone used in public speaking, that places the same emphasis on being proud to be an American and disliking Barack Obama's stance on taxes?
But how will we ever know for sure whether our possible next VP is, in fact, a cybernetic dupe? Here are some warning signs:
No-One Ever Sees Palin Go Through A Metal Detector At Airport Security. Sure, you can get away with that in Alaska - It's a different world up there, after all, and the only security they need there are polar bears guarding the check-in desks. But on a whistle-stop tour of the other States, she's got to be seen going through security at least once, right...? Unless... there are reasons otherwise.
John McCain's Speeches Start Including Phrases Like "We Need To Invest More Into Medical Technology, Such As Synthetic Skin" Sure, Palin may look good on camera - But how many people have seen her up close and personal? Being on the stump is going to wear out even the best fake skin substitute we have, considering all the handshakes and baby-kissin' there is to do, after all.
Every Woman In The Republican Party Starts To Look Like Nannette Newman. Or, in the case of Palin herself, the former spokesperson for Overstock.com. But if all female members of the Republican party suddenly start indulging in librarian chic, then it may be time really start to worry. And if they all appear on news reports saying that nothing's wrong, but if all the women in the audience could come into the kitchen because they have something interesting to show them? Run away.
The VP Debate Ends When Palin's Head Explodes In A Shower Of Sparks. Look, I'm not saying that Joe Biden can't talk up a storm or anything, but he's never made anyone's head explode in the past. If it happens whenever he and Palin go up against each other, I think it's more of a sign that something is up with her than a victory for him.
So there it is. The Republicans' plan to get re-elected will have less to do with issues and more to do with what voters take from candidates, as McCain's campaign manager has said, but what they take away from the candidates may end up being more along the lines of a robotic replacement wife than previously suspected. It's a devious plan, but it might just work.
Send an email to Graeme McMillan, the author of this post, at graeme@io9.com.
Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.
Start a new discussion