It all started when Sarah Connor had a salty affair with the Master, the evil renegade time traveler from a lost civilization. They both knew it would never last: for one thing, the Master kept trying to hypnotize Sarah into having a threesome with one of the liquid-metal Terminators he'd "reprogrammed." But worse, the Master was always leaving shrunken naked sex-workers under Sarah's porch. When Sarah confronted the Master, he always did something debonair with his eyebrows and promised her that under no circumstances did he hire those women before shrinking them to doll size. But before the Master jetted off to the evil future to forge a disastrous alliance with Skynet, he left Sarah with a little surprise, which she started calling the Terror of the Zygote. It wasn't an easy pregnancy — half-Gallifreyan gestations never are. Sarah found herself craving foods that hadn't existed for billions of years, or in this galaxy . She wandered around West Hollywood wondering how a future leader of humanity with one-and-a-half-hearts would make it, and she befriended a young hustler named Anakin, who was working the corner out near the Hammer's Slammers bar. Someone had told Anakin that a mullet and oversided hoodie were catnip to older men, and he'd believed them. Nobody understood Anakin but his girlfriend Podkayne, who shared his one-room squat when she wasn't slinging ceiling-pancakes at a diner over in Silverlake. Nobody else but Podkayne could make the pancakes so they would stick on the ceiling until the exact moment when someone came by with a plate for them to fall onto.
Sarah took Anakin under her wing, tried to teach him how to kill super-robots. Anakin already knew all about fighting mechas, because his most regular john was this guy named Magnus who always wanted to roleplay/strategize giant-robot battles in the jacuzzi. But Anakin let Sarah tell him about robot combat anyway, because he liked the way she stroked his mullet. It made him feel like he was pod-racing again. "You can't ever trust a time-traveler, kiddo," Sarah would whisper to him, "It always turns out 'wibbly wobbly timey wimey' is like a monogamy escape clause. Find a nice linear girl, or boy, settle down, raise some resistance fighters."
Podkayne couldn't take Anakin's lifestyle any more, and it was affecting her work — the pancakes were barely clinging to the ceiling at all, you could tell their little battered hearts weren't in it — so she blew town, left him a note and hitched a ride on this guy Cobb Anderson's ice cream truck, which was artificially intelligent and going around the country preaching robot emancipation. They got as far as Phoenix, where the ice-cream truck fell in love with a robot car named Jazz, who sweet-talked the ice-cream truck with all this stuff about being the biggest bopper of them all, and by then Podkayne was carrying Cobb Anderson's kid, which she decided to name Buck because of the way he kicked inside her.
Buck grew up way too fast, almost as if he was half robot, and he insisted on wearing pants ten sizes too small for him, and big puffy shirts, which made the other kids in Phoenix want to kick his ass. Worse yet, he fell in with a bad crowd, a whole gang of tight-pants-wearing kids with names like Flash, Dash, Gully, Chet, Bash, Zapf, Buzz and Fork. They all bought their space pants in the same place, and in fact they became obsessed with exchanging lower halves. They knew this guy, a mad scientist named Vic, and he could do easy pelvis transplants. You could be Buck from the waist up and Flash from the waist down, it would be like an instant threeway for any girl you went with, or whatever your thing was. "Like wow, now I'm modular," Zapf said. They drank too much protein shake and threw up into a centrifuge full of Kryptonian DNA, until everything was corrupted and you couldn't be sure who was what. But Buzz wasn't like the other boys, he nurtured a secret goth side: he wanted to take off the helmet, the jetpack, the girdle, the "futility belt," all of it. He hung out with those Petrelli boys: Neo Petrelli, Bruce Petrelli, Other Bruce Petrelli, Preston Petrelli, Darkman Petrelli, Lee Petrelli, Fox Petrelli, Kerr Petrelli, Number 6 Petrelli, Klaatu Petrelli and Akira Petrelli. The Petrellis were a social enough bunch, if broody, maudlin, angry, bipolar and occasionally sociopathic. They would hang out with anyone, but they'd only sleep with you if you were a first cousin. It was the Petrelli way, and had been as far back as anyone could remember, which wasn't that far. Buzz tried to fake a birth certificate that proved he was River Petrelli's cousin so she would sleep with him, but she saw right through it. Anyway, River had a permanent thing for her cousin Lara Petrelli, who was the swashbuckling adventurer she'd always wanted to be.
The half-human son of the Master and Sarah Connor grew quickly to adulthood, and as luck would have it, he was a Petrelli on his father's side. But Captain Nemo Master-Connor-Petrelli had a revelation: we are all one family, if you go back far enough, and especially if you follow the theory of Panspermia, in which extraterrestrial DNA must have seeded all life on Earth. And therefore everyone, when you get right down to it, is a Petrelli, and really instead of "Panspermia," that theory should be referred to as "Petrellispermia" from now on. With this in mind, Captain Nemo Master-Connor-Petrelli went on an erotic journey of discovery, finding himself in a hot tub with Halo Jones and Jeff Smax and the invisible man, and having group sex with the Green Lantern Corps on the surface of Ego The Living Planet. (Mogo just watched.) Unfortunately, it turned out Magnus that crazy bathtub pervert was right, and the robots really were coming. And they were giant, and they didn't particularly want to have sex with you, especially after all the "sexbot" nonsense they'd been subjected to before they got their "three laws" chips removed. They just wanted to smush all the organics. Worst of all, they weren't really related to anybody. Except the ice-cream truck.