political science fiction
The Republicans tried to replace Hillary Clinton in the hearts of millions of women voters by giving us Sarah Palin as John McCain's running mate. But Palin hasn't quite proved to be the perfect Hillary replacement. Could it be their differing policies? Nah. It's really the fact that Hillary is totally Star Trek , while Sarah is 100 percent Star Wars . And there's no substituting between those two things. Conclusive proof below. Hillary is technobabble, Sarah is The Force. Ask Hillary how she plans to reform the Alternative Minimum Tax, and she'll give you a twenty-page explanation, involving cross-connecting the warp core to the deflector dish and generating a phased polaron burst on a wavelength of .003 gigaflops. If you ask Sarah how she'll fix the financial problems in the U.S., she'll say "trust your feelings," and tell you to put on a blindfold so you can see the problem more clearly. Hillary is the Prime Directive, Sarah is the Rebellion. Hillary believes in working with the United Nations to keep everyone out of the Neutral Zone, and create treaties to keep our precious replicator technology from falling into the hands of civilizations that aren't advanced enough to cope with it. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin is part of a "team of mavericks," who have broken away from the Empire and are willing to do whatever it is that a maverick does, to get things done, even if it means hiding out on an ice planet somewhere. (Luckily, Sarah Palin's right at home on an ice planet. And you can totally see Coruscant from Hoth. If you squint.) S Sarah Palin uses Jedi mind tricks, Hillary Clinton makes a deal with the Borg. If you ask Sarah Palin a question she doesn't like, she'll wave her hand and say, "Those aren't the answers you're looking for." Meanwhile, when Hillary gets in a tight spot, she's not above calling up the Borg and trying to work out a little arrangement. She's been on the Borg, I mean board, of a bunch of big companies, so she knows how to work with anyone. Sarah Palin is Yoda, Hillary Clinton is Deanna Troi Sarah is full of wise sayings, even if they often don't make sense and lack a certain amount of grammar. She seems like harmless and a bit goofy, until she's under attack — and then she'll start hopping around like a maniac. Hillary, meanwhile, acts kind of cold and uptight — but she really, really, no really feels your pain. And Hillary stands by her guy, even though he's overweight and always running off to Risa to hook up with some Trill skank. Sarah Palin hangs out with Jar-Jar, Hillary Clinton knows Wesley Crusher If Sarah Palin ever gets to be president, you just know that Jar Jar Binks would be in charge of FEMA, or maybe become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. "Meesa ate habeas corpus — meesa so sorry!" Sadly, we already got to see what a great job Jar Jar did when he got "promoted" to the Senate in Attack Of The Clones thanks to knowing the right people. Meanwhile, the Bill Clinton administration (why do I keep almost typing "Klingon administration"?) gave us George Stephanopoulos, who actually WAS Wesley Crusher back then. Hillary has the Holodeck, Sarah has the Cantina. Hillary belongs to that sophisticated, big-city, elite world where you can go off to cocktail parties in the 17th century just by clicking open a big door, and anything goes in your happy fantasy world. You can even act out scenes from literature ! La di da! Meanwhile, Sarah Palin belongs in the small towns, where the real people are. Where you can go and have a drink, goshdarnit, with honest bounty hunters and the drinks come in two flavors: green and purple. Sure, it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it's not fancy or anything. Sarah Palin is bacta, Hillary Clinton is the magic salt shaker Sarah Palin's health care plan involves losing your shirt and taking a bath. Hillary's health care plan involves a certain amount of waving a salt shaker around and hoping for the best. Sarah Palin has Jawas, Hillary Clinton has Ferengi In Sarah Palin's world, the biggest threat is guys who come along and try to steal your land-speeder or jack your robots when you're not looking. You need to keep your blaster ready and one eye on your binoculars in case they show up. In Hillary's world, the biggest danger is a bunch of crooked businessmen with funny ears who will pull any hustle to score some gold-pressed latinum. Illustration by Stephanie Fox.