What the hell is it with pseudo-science action show Eleventh Hour and child torture? Is that like the only kind of weird science there is left? First we have an episode where our FBI science investigators have to solve a mystery about kids who are killing each other by licking toads, then an episode where kids are having seizures because they like to eat red things, and now this week a bunch of autistic teens are abducted and returned a month later as supergeniuses. Tonight I'm going to report live from my sofa about Eleventh Hour, and tell you all about why kids must be eliminated by science. Spoilers and sugar-fueled ravings ahead! I will update this page during each commercial break. Buckle up. I guess it's creepy when teenagers draw things on the sidewalk. More creepy? Hearing Hood announce every single episode that he's a "science consultant to the FBI." This time he says it while hitting on some random chick. Luckily Rachel, his comely kickass keeper, arrives to distract him with tales of autistic teens who now "exhibit symptoms of savant syndrome." Deadly savant syndrome! Sounds sciencey. Time to go eat some Halloween candy. Hood is giving us a lecture on "autism spectrum disorders." He's using Rachel's suitcase to explain it. He says normal people are tidy clothes in a suitcase, as he fingers Rachel's bra. Autistics have messy suitcase brains! Let's meet our suitcase brained girl. All she wants to do is draw. So Hood tries to communicate with her through drawing a stick figure of himself and saying, "I like science. Rachel likes to beat people up." Then he somehow manages to figure out that suitcase head is drawing a zillion wavy lines because she's drawing pictures of her own "brainwaves" created via MRIs. And all this time I thought she was drawing a bunch of wavy hair because she was fantasizing about becoming a hippie. Somebody is kidnapping teens with matching hippie hair brain waves! And now one of the other teens has a nosebleed while playing really bad minimalist music! So fluffy brain hair equals death? I'm so confused. So apparently all these kids are getting brain surgery from an evil underground neuroscience ring. I love the idea that Eleventh Hour takes place in a universe where bad guys have like brain surgery facilities. We've been getting little glimpses of the evil underground neuroscience ring headquarters, and there's some mommish lady taking care of the little brain surgery victims. Apparently somebody is sticking wires in the kids' heads. Totally cool! I mean, no - bad! Worse than underground brain surgery done via the gums is listening to some guilt-ridden dad whine about his kid's high-functioning autism. Seriously, I have some new candidates I'd like to hand off to the neuroscience ring. Oh bloody hell now we are learning that sticking wires in people's brains helps them drive through traffic better. Also it allows them to talk to dogs. And to science advisors to the FBI. Wow. Suitcase head is now drawing colored boxes in a bathroom, and it turns out she has synaesthesia on top of every other lameass fake bullshit thing. The colors correspond to numbers, which luckily turn out to be the license plate of a super bitchy woman at the "autism institute." Who totally deserves to be busted by science consultants! Also, somehow the CIA is involved with these experiments. Wires in the brain always lead back to the CIA. Apparently, according to Rachel's magical iPhone, the CIA might have been interested in turning autistics into hypersmart data conduits — sort of Johnny Mnemonics. This would have been a cool plot if it took place in a show that didn't require us to listen to Hood pontificate about suitcases and synaesthesia. Boom! Esplosion! No wayz. So action-packed! I'm feeling the Bayhem even though it's really Bruckheimage I guess. Follow that trail of action figures to find the savant! Also, you can do the same thing to find me, too. Except my action figures are way cooler than the suitcase head's. Our bad guy neuroscientists are fleeing with two suitcase heads in the backseat. Are they doing this for money? Because they want to cure their own suitcase head? Because they get off on shocking vagus nerves? Ohhhh we're getting to see the underground brain surgery in action! Put down the brain drill and step away from the table! Haha. Turns out it's yet another dad who wants to save his kid via mad science. Hood gives him a big fake lecture about how "atypicals" (ie, the people whom he described as messy suitcases) don't need to be fixed. He's all: "One of those atypicals helped us find you." Um, only AFTER our evil mad doctor had fixed her brain! Before her brain was fixed she would have been useless. Rachel has taken her hair down and is calling Hood sensitive. They've taken the wires out of the suitcase head's brain and now she can't speak or look at anybody anymore. Oh that's really great. So it's better to leave her mute and helpless than to let her continue with the experiment of the naughty neurosurgeon. And how did the CIA fit into all of this? Not really at all. They were just kind of thrown in there for fanciness. You know, synaesthesia, CIA, autism . . . fancy! Sciencey! Tune in next week when Hood gives Rachel a shower and people say fancy things about smallpox.
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