Today is 4/20 and it's time to celebrate by contemplating the wonders of outer and inner space. Here's what to watch today at 4:20 in order to blow your mind.
These movies are totally in the order that they popped into my head, dudes. You want me to put them in some kind of ranking? What? Can't you get a UNIX script to do that, or, like, somebody who isn't completely wasted?
Greatest Stoner Science Fiction Evar, In the Order That They Popped Into My Head, With a Few Reasons
The spaceships are so cool and slow. Plus, there's like this baby thing, and a bunch of stars . . . seriously, what does it all mean? Are we one with the universe or is the universe like inside us?
Jake Gyllenhaal is totally cute, plus his name is spelled really weird. Also, there are like evil bunnies and mirror worlds and what is that giant black cloud? Seriously that cloud is freaking me out.
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
Time travel plus George Carlin plus babes from the Middle Ages plus, uh . . .
Buckeroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
OK so there are these aliens, right? And they are doing something that's really hard to figure out. But it doesn't matter because there's MUSIC and a really fast car going into a mountain and Jeff Goldblum looking smokin and geeky.
OK so there are these aliens, right? And they are controlling our minds! They are making us buy things we don't need! Luckily Rowdy Roddy Piper is there to TOTALLY KICK THEIR ASSES.
City of Lost Children
What the hell is going on here? Deformed people wreathed in smoke who are kidnapping kids. Luckily Hellboy is there to rescue them, but he's not wearing his Hellboy outfit. This is too scary for me.
Essence of gelfling!!!
Tamala 2010 Punk Rock Cat in Space
So she's an anime punk cat. In space. And she goes to another planet, where she meets gay aliens. WTF?
Dude! Arnie versus an invisible alien dude who is way cooler than Arnie and later turns into the awesome guy with dreads who vanquishes the aliens from Alien!
A Scanner Darkly
This is seriously trippy - there's like this cop, who is spying on drug dealers, but the drug dealers might actually be him, or maybe his friends. And there are all these people covered in bugs, plus a devious plot to spy on spies. And it's funny too.
Take the red pill! If you do, you can totally go to a rave and have sex in the sequel!
Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy
You haven't seen this yet? It's the kickass Canadian comedy troupe in a movie about a freaky new drug that is turning everybody into brainless pleasure-munchers. I can't even describe it. You have to see it!!!
It's about a teenager who takes drugs and becomes the master of the universe. Need I say more?
Grindhouse, pt II: Planet Terror
There's the chick with the gun for a leg, and then there's like alien goo zombies. Maybe not in that order.
Wizard of Oz, but with the sound off, but with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon playing
A bunch of the older kids told me this would be really cool, but it seems kind of lame. Let's go see Crank High Voltage instead, dudes.
Crank High Voltage
In theaters now! Do not even attempt to see this movie without smoking a joint in the alley outside the theater first. Because there's a guy with a gun in his ass! And fucking on the racetrack! Jason Statham is the 21st Century Everyman, man.
Oh man this is totally a freaky bummer except for the part where the flowers have sex - except whoa! even that is kind of a bummer.
Remember when Black Sabbath totally was awesome? That was five minutes ago, dude. When we were watching the scene with Black Sabbath's song "Mob Rules"? Oh yeah.
Zoomy light! Cars upsidown! Crazy Vikings! Vroooooom!
Ghost in the Shell
A cyborg goes on a strange, incomprehensible journey that sheds light on the true meaning of selfhood. Seriously deep.
WHAT IS HAPPENING? Time travel, animal experimentation, assassination, dystopia, epidemic! Poor Bruce Willis. Can he ever escape the paradox of destiny?
Army of Darkness
Bruce Campbell fights an army of skeletons in the Dark Ages with one arm turned into a chainsaw. May I just say FUCK YEAH!
A guy accidentally becomes attached to a penis-shaped parasite named Aylmer who injects his brain with mega-heroin and sings show tunes and hides in his pants so he can eat the brains of hookers giving him a blow job. Seriously this is one of the most awesome movies ever made, but you can only appreciate it if you take a bong hit. So take one.