Just when I really didn't think it was possible for Heroes to get any shittier, last night's episode happened. This was possibly the worst hour of television I have ever endured. Spoilers ahead, you masochists!
People, tell me. Why are we watching this show? I just don't think that watching Sylar raise his eyebrow Spock-style is going to do it for me anymore. He's going to have to be a watchable character too. And he most certainly was not in "I Am Sylar," an episode all about our nerdy superpowered mental case's so-called identity crisis. And by the way, in case you were wondering, Sylar's identity crisis seems mainly to involve pulling out his own molars, turning into his whiny mom (YES THEY GO THERE), and cutting himself like a teenage girl who is obsessed with goth lolitas.
Check out that goddamn Spock eyebrow. Is that enough to carry an episode? No, dear watchers, I don't think so. But I slogged through this horrifying mess anyway, to bring you news of Sylar's tender inner feelings.
So things start tweaky when Sylar wakes up but he's in the body of Generic Agent Guy (GAG). Oops! He changed into GAG while he was sleeping and grew an extra tooth! So he switches back, rips out the tooth, and broods. Later he tells the Hunter, "I'm feeling broody because I don't know who I am." The Hunter says, "Well when you are in a bad situation killing and raping and brutalizing, you can remember who you are by focusing on something that reminds you of yourself."
And then, I shit you not, he takes out a pocket watch and says it was the thing that keeps him whole. OK, did the writers not watch Pulp Fiction and the watch scene? Seriously, I thought the Hunter was actually going to say he'd stored the watch in his ass, but no instead he just handed it to Sylar who didn't do anything assy with it either - just listened to it and said some creepy things about how many seconds fast it was. "Whoa how did you get the power to know about watches?" asks Hunter. "It's my only true power," Sylar says, and broods.
Then he goes to the park, and broods. At some broody point, he broodingly carves the words "I am Sylar" into his arm. Then he broods.
Next he absorbs some guy's porcelain figurine-shattering power (yes, that is really his power) and paints the words I AM SYLAR on the wall in blood. Turns out, by the way, that Sylar's power comes from "absorbing other people's DNA." At least, that's what he tells Rebel. But I get ahead of myself.
Next up, Sylar's supposed to help catch Rebel. Yay, it's Rebel, the only decent character left on this show! But Rebel is so nice and cool that Sylar actually saves him by pretending to be Rebel, getting shot, and then running away and bringing Rebel home with him. Where Rebel discovers that Sylar is turning into his own mom and having conversations with her Psycho-style. Repeat with me kids, one of the cardinal rules of bad show/movie-making: DO NOT REFERENCE A GOOD MOVIE INSIDE YOUR STUPID LAMEASS WHY DOES IT EVEN EXIST AND GET RENEWED WHEN SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES IS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK FUCKIN SHOW. Jeezus.
OK I need to calm down. Let's check in with Matt and the Cutsey Asian Stereotype Twins, shall we? So now Matt has baby Matt, whom he proclaims a "game changer" that makes him suddenly in love with his ex again even though like three episodes ago he was about to rip the universe apart after his "true love" Speedy Daphne was killed. He brings Baby Matt back to Ex Lady, and tries to convince her they are destined to be together. Which made me really wish Daphne had resurrection powers so she could come back and slap him and sing an Alanis Morissette song.
So screw Matt, who is going off with Ex to her cabin or something to try to make sweet love to her. Meanwhile, Ando is having YET ANOTHER fight with Hiro over being his equal, and making a lot of groanworthy references to Batman and Superman. Seriously, DON'T REFERENCE GOOD COMICS INSIDE . . . oh why do I bother? So Hiro decides to make Ando his equal by turning Ando into bait for Hunter's shock troops. I'm still not really sure why. I guess he wants to find Hunter's secret hideout or something? It made no sense, especially when he stopped time and dressed up as a shock troop but wore his glasses and was obviously a plant.
Then Hiro and Ando had to stop time again, and run away towards the secret shock troop facility to "shut it all down" as equals. And Ando's name is going to be Crimson Splash or something.
Back to Sylar, who is still arguing with his mom about whether he can be good and become president. Between his dead mom cross-dressing and Rebel's advice, he's decided that his next course of action will be to impersonate Nathan and put a stop to mutant persecution. But Hunter tries to stop him with the old knife in the skull trick! Aaaand it turns out that knife in the skull doesn't actually kill Sylar after all. He gets up, gives Hunter the old mega-menacing look, and now Hunter is in seriously deep shit.
And of course Nathan is hightailing it to Washington to make everything right and confront broody Sylar. Will butch Nathan beat broody Sylar? Will broody Peter wind up helping butch Nathan beat broody Sylar? How many characters can brood before Claire finally also has to brood?
Suresh, back at the ranch, has been captured for what? the fifth time? by the shock troops. And Hiro has gotten broody too, because every time he stops time his brain bleeds. In fact, he's in dire deadly straits after his most recent time stoppages.
I thought Angela's guilt-mongering was bad, but this new wave of brooding and Sylar psychosis takes Heroes into new depths of dickwadery.