So there's this magical pencil, and these voodoo guys, and somebody drawing a bunch of monsters. And like DMX is there, with a bazooka, and this totally GIANT snake-alligator mega-thing . . .

I kept misreading the three letters that precede the word Carnivorous in the title of this straight-to-DVD movie, hitting shelves later this month. I thought they might be BMX or WTF or maybe BBQ. But fine, I will admit it. The letters are DMX, for your favorite mega-star who was pretty much the only cool thing about this movie. In my mind, the movie is always going to be called Wassup Carnosaur? and I think you'll see why when you listen to this scintillating dialogue.

So what's going on? A stick with an alligator head glued on it channels the spirit of revenge when a person uses the stick to draw a giant alligator-snake monster eating people he or she wants to get revenge on. Also, for some reason this is all connected to ancient voodoo, even though I'm pretty sure there wasn't a lot of scratch paper back in the olden days of the Caribbean but whatever.

Anyway, a bunch of galactically retarded redneck teenagers run over a nice lady, and her husband is really upset. He finds the snakey stick somewhere, and decides (why?) to randomly draw a picture of a giant Wassup Carnosaur eating the crazy hummer the teens were driving. So now a big snake is hunting these teens, who never even realized they hit the lady because the car has such good shocks and they are busy getting drunk and stripping and eating giant plates of pie because they have "dunchies" (drunk munchies).

I love when one of the teens is like "Well sorry about your wife but you suck." Great line.

Luckily DMX understands voodoo, gets his bazooka, and decides (why?) to help the crackers. And so they fight the alligator snake - whose main weapon appears to be tripping people - by feeding it the paper the picture was drawn on. Well, actually by putting the paper in the hand of one of the tards and then setting him out to get eaten. So brilliant! We see the wonder of it all in this amazing second scene.

I broke my rule about never posting two clips in Found Footage because you needed to hear the dialog before seeing the monster to appreciate the deep and abiding awfulness represented by this film.

DMX-Carnivorous AKA Lockjaw AKA Wassup Carnosaur? via IMDB