What The Hell Are You Talking About, Crazy Announcer?

You know a science fiction movie is going to be totally absurd and balls-to-the-wall when it starts off with a voiceover that just throws a giant ball of crazy at your head. Someone who is trying not to giggle gives a little speech about how there was a guy named Zaark 795, and he rose up against his brother, the Bishop of Pluto, because they both wanted the power of the Dodecahedron-o-gram. Yeah. Anyway, here are the nonsensical opening voiceovers that make us happy to be alive.

Ultraviolet:

This isn't the actual opening of the movie, just the trailer. But it does include Milla Jovovich's opening monologue, giving us the 411 on future dystopias, viruses, weird swords, and hair that changes color when you walk into a different room.

D-War:

So there's a super snake and every 500 years it gets to be with a woman and grow wings, and maybe become a dragon, and then destroy the world or bring us candy. Wait, what?

Transformers:

In the beginning, there was the cube. And it was on the sphere. And the robots rose up and fought over it, and it was lost... until a whole bunch of other incomprehensible shit happened, and hey, we're on Earth!

The Gene Generation:

Any movie about gene-hackers that stars Bai Ling has got to be great, but this is the greatest intro ever. There's gene therapy, but it gets turned into a weapon, and then there are killer clouds, and everyone has to live in the walls, but some people turn the rich into tentacle monsters, except Bai Ling shoots them. Got it? Great.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie:

Now this is what we're talking about. ZORDON (must be capitalized) is fighting to rid the universe of evil, with the help of his Zords. Any questions? Didn't think so.

Dragonball:

There's a whole movie's worth of nonsensical plot, compressed into a folksy Asian-accented voiceover here. Like, who the hell is Oozaru and what's a Ma Fu Ba? We never really find out.

Alone In The Dark:

This is my absolute favorite. There are these native Americans (of course) called the Abkani, and they dug a hole, and opened a gateway to evil. With me so far? Wait, wait, there's a government agency called Bureau 70000, and it's hunting evil, and meanwhile autistic children are being turned into evil supermoles. No wait, there's more!

The Crow:

This one actually makes sense compared to the others on this page... there's a crow that carries your dead soul — sort of like the stork, in reverse — and if you're really sad, you get to stay on Earth and be bitchin'.

The Giant Gila Monster:

Aaaaaaaaaaand... back to crazy land. Who knows how giant these gila monsters can grow???

Ator The Fighting Eagle:

I love how this voiceover spends like two minutes building up the great legendary hero guy, who dies during the voiceover so that his son, Ator, can avenge him against the evil warlords.

The Humanoid:

This Star Wars rip-off has a fantastic text crawl, but goes George Lucas one better, by having someone read it to us. And it's well worth reading aloud, with all the great stuff about Lord Graal escaping and his power hunger, and the fact that Earth is now known as Metropolis. Wait, what?

Plan 9 From Outer Space

You guys convinced me this belongs in here — truly one of the most wonderfully addle-pated openings of all time! We are all interested in the future, for that is where we will spend the rest of our lives! With grave robbers from space!!!

Send an email to Charlie Jane Anders, the author of this post, at charliejane@io9.com.

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