New Haircuts, Old Whores And Good Old Fashioned Religious Sexual Tension Save True Blood

Last night True Blood brought back some past favorites and reminded us all of last season's unspeakable vampire dirt sex. Jason turned on an entire camp, and Eric's new haircut debuted.

This week, we went inside the Fellowship Of the Light and realized that just about everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jason. In other news, Lafayette made it through another day, imprisoned in the basement of Fangtasia, but who knows what could happen to him next week? Riiight.

Sookie continues to make everyone's life just a little more miserable, with her constant meddling meddlesomeness, while Jessica is really starting to grow on us as a character. I will no longer call her Dawn, that's not fair — she actually appears to have some sense of a personality, other than annoying.

All in all, this second episode of the season was a bit better than the premiere, in my humble opinion, because this one brought back the humor of this world, now inexplicably peopled with vampires, and how everyone tries to cope with it.

CON: After hours of steamy blood-covered make up sex, Bill asks Sookie how make-up sex compares to "I thought you were dead sex." And now the image of filthy naked Bill on top of Sookie is back in our brains. It's only the second episode Ball, can we at least attempt to forget the disturbing bladder infection sex scene of all times? If you don't remember this sickening moment from last season let me remind you: Bill was buried naked in the ground. It doesn't matter why. He was covered in dirt, everywhere, and we mean everywhere. Then he pops out, and immediately starts having sex with Sookie. Cue wincing faces from the audience, and questions about hygiene.

Con: Also during the make-up sex discussion, Bill states that he thinks Sookie likes fighting with him. And even though make-up sex is fun, they don't want to get too used to it, "we don't want to become one of those couples," he says. I thought the Earth was going to implode around them as he uttered these words. Well we know Sookie doesn't, but Bill, you should know better, you two are the epitome of one of "those couples."

All they do is fight, and talk about their feelings at exhausting lengths. It's no wonder they're always alone — no one could tolerate listening to these two spout on about trust issues, past problems, being scared but strong for one another yada, yada, yada. Bill and Sookie are absolutely that couple you get forced into inviting over to your house for a dinner party and halfway through the night one of them is drunk, while the other is openly wailing about how she thinks he's "screwing the secretary." Then, after about the third time she's put on her jacket and threatened to leave, you find yourself standing outside in the freezing cold coaxing her back inside, just so the two can presumably have loud "make up" sex in your bathroom.

New Haircuts, Old Whores And Good Old Fashioned Religious Sexual Tension Save True Blood

Pro: Hey it's Pam! Ugh, she's still dressed like high school student from the year 2001. But still, she looks good. A bit fresher round the eyes. But better than Pam's new face is the fact that she's got scissors. Which means Eric can finally change that tragic fey haircut of his. Yes, this is a disaster. Please fix.

Pro: Poor scared shaky Lafayette. I miss you and your clever politico quips.

Pro: This whole scene with Pam, Eric and Lafayette is really dynamite. They're playing off each other well. I like the idea that one of our beloved characters is basically being tortured in the basement of Fangtasia, while the rest of the world goes about their business. Even the entire exchange of bringing Lafayette upstairs and watching him plead for his life was done in a delightfully "ho-hum, mortals are funny" kind of manner. I approve.

New Haircuts, Old Whores And Good Old Fashioned Religious Sexual Tension Save True Blood

Pro: Jason's new bunk buddy. So it doesn't really need to be discussed how much Luke wants to get under Jason's teeny tiny grey-thirt? Oh but wait, True Blood wants to beat you over the head with sexual innuendo, so make with the "I'm a tight end, look at you, I would have locked onto you" jokes.

Meanwhile in the house of never-ending pajammas, food and weed, Tara and Eggs are talking about their relationship. What is the rush? I don't particularly care. They should just go have more weird Maryann sex.

Con: Eggs (do you hate this name as much as me?) has yet to win me over. He feels like filler before the next bad thing in Tara's life, although I'm sure he's supposed to be more than that. I'm not impressed with his "troubled" past, nor the nodding "I'm ashamed" delivery. When you make Tara look good as far as a reasonable response to an emotion on camera, you're in trouble.

Con: Sookie sees something troubling on TV. It's baby vampire Jessica's parents and they miss her. To the meddling mobile, stat.

Pro: The Light of Day Leadership Conference's ring distributor just eye-sexed the crap out of Jason. Yeah, I would have too.

Pro: Nerdy decoder ring bumps. The things we all do when no-one is watching.

Pro: Steve's outfit. I'm pretty sure the Pastor at my Church camp wore that same get-up. T-shirts over button downs, FTW.

New Haircuts, Old Whores And Good Old Fashioned Religious Sexual Tension Save True Blood

Pro: Flag football musical. Uh oh Luke's unbridled passion for Jason has turned to sour rage. And now everyone in camp wants to have sex with Jason, including the Pastor's wife. We're just counting down the days.

Con: Lafayette's crafty pants Saw-movie-meets-MacGyver moment, only because of the ridiculous foreshadowing it took in the previous episode to allow this to happen.

Pro: Maryann's constant eating, and no one noticing, I would like this power please.

Pro: Welcome back tiny crack whore, you dear are my favorite Fangtastia bar-back. Glad to see you're general idiocy hasn't been deterred by eating.

PRO: The Fellowship of the Light Christian sex-me-up long-time Jesus sing-a-long. After eye-screwing the crap out of Jason earlier, little Amanda prances on stage gyrating and singing about keeping her legs crossed for Jesus.

Actually, the title of the song is called "Jesus Asked Me Out Today" by Amanda Jane And The God Rockets. Not that I would know that from purchasing it on itunes...Hey look it's on youtube, enjoy.


So ahem, yeah, after winking and giving the entire audience the bedroom "please pull my braids" face Amanda shuffles off in her "just slutty enough" outfit, free to eye sex another day. Those of us who had to suffer through summer camp, you've seen this before maybe once or twice. It's just as painful in real life as on the True Blood stage. Still, thanks for introducing the rest of the world to what it looks like when horny teenagers are only allowed to sing religious music. It's the perfect storm, really.

Pro: When Jessica find out she cries blood. Bill should have told her. My heart goes out to this little misunderstood vampire.

UPDATE: Pro addition I have to add, Jessica's delightful impression of Bill which I forgot, I blame the God Rockets. Jessica's spot on Bill mocking, "I have errands to perform which do not require your presence," made me smile from ear to ear. At least everyone involved with this series is aware of how ridiculous he sounds. Thanks for keeping me in check guys!

Con: Sookie, for pretending she went over to Bill's house for any other reason than to meddle in Jessica's life.

Con: The way Bill pretty much ruins every scene he's in, by the way he talks, "I AM VAMPIRE."

Pro: Thank God Eric is there to save the day. Also, props to the sales person thinking for assuming Bill and Eric are gay vampires, which we now need a term for. Gamps? Gymps? Gaypire? It's a work in progress. Honestly if I didn't know Bill and Eric on a deep spiritual level would guess the same. But, more importantly, OMG new fancy pants haircut debuted:

New Haircuts, Old Whores And Good Old Fashioned Religious Sexual Tension Save True Blood

Pro: The Cut.

Con: The track jacket necklace-with-no-undershirt look. Are the wardrobe people trying to make him look like a total ass-hat?

Pro: Jason breaking the American flag over his knee and going ape shit on stage. The whole time I was screaming OMGBUFFYBUFFYBUFFY, only to have it reaffirmed minutes later. Enter angry Luke who calls Jason some kind of "Muslim Buffy with a dick," well played Luke, well played. I believe that this is the first direct Buffy reference on TB, correct me if I'm wrong.

Con: True Blood, trying to make me think they'll actually kill off Lafayette...again.

Con: Sookie crying in the car outside of Jessica's house. Apparently she felt the need to remind people that they had stopped paying attention her. It's always about you Sooks isn't it?

Pro: Jessica gets pissed and starts wailing on her father. Obvious, but a pro — because this will hopefully get Sookie in trouble.

Pro: Aaaaand it does! Bill saves the day and kicks Sookie out. Still think you're not one of "those couples"?