Though Hollywood excels in making plotless movies, the sale of Asteroids to Universal breaks new ground. The people who are bringing you GI Joe this month are about to make a movie about a triangle shooting a bunch of blobs.
Anyone who is a fan of classic video games knows the familiar story behind Asteroids . . . which is that you are a triangle, and you are shooting a series of geometric shapes. Released in 1979, the game is a perfect example of extremely early and crude computer graphics. And seriously, there was no effort made whatsoever to have a story. Why were you shooting the asteroids? Were they controlled by aliens? Were you trying to break them up so you could mine them for nickel in their cores? It was all an 8-bit mystery.
That's why the story that four studios had a bidding war for the rights to Asteroid seems like it should run in The Onion rather than The Hollywood Reporter. But is is all true.
The movie will be produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, the mastermind behind GI Joe. It is to be written by Matthew Lopez, whose main claim to fame is that he worked on the script for Race to Witch Mountain. He's also done work on the forthcoming flick The Sorcerer's Apprentice. So will this be a kid-friendly film about triangles and blobs, or more violent adult fare? Hard to say.
Obviously, Lopez will be developing this story from scratch. Hollywood Reporter notes:
Universal . . . is used to that development process, as it's in the middle of doing just that for several of the Hasbro board game properties it is translating to the big screen, such as "Battleship" and "Candyland."
Couldn't they just combine Battleship with Asteroids so we could have a plotless tale of shooting that spanned skies and sea? Doesn't that sound awesome?