Jul 10, 2009 02:36 PM
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Tue Feb 9
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It's no secret this summer's list of blockbusters has been a lackluster collection of underachievers. But who's to blame for this debacle? We point a stern finger at the weak collection of villains. Just check out our list of indictments.
Star Trek's Nero:
Why He Failed: Sure he was loud, and maybe a tad intimidating - but his anger only made him volatile and pissy, not really frightening. His rage was easy to deter, and even easier to circumvent - once you brought a level headed hero into play (which, granted, took some time). Bottom line: He was all bark and not enough personal bite. Sure, he blew up Vulcan, but we didn't really see the destruction. It was just reckless and wild - once again, something that seems easy to deter with a cooler head. He didn't even take delight in watching Captain Pike squirm. If Nero reappeared via a rift in time, I don't think people would honestly be that worried. It would be all "oh it's that guy again, what's that he's out of red matter, oh well then no worries." Khan, he is not.
Also, there is nothing scary about this:
What Should Have Happened: The unbridled hatred should have been used both in a big way and in a small way. So he can't blow up Earth, fine then he's going down there to kill off little innocent humans one by one. Or he's sending in secret troops to slaughter the new recruits at Star Fleet. He should have channeled his rage in many different ways besides merely blowing up a planet. It would have made a case for a far more convincing and frightening character and seemed less like a drunken bar brawl.
Transformers 2's The Fallen:
Why He Failed: This baddie's menace was lost in the folds of transforming robots. By the time he was on Earth, I didn't really know what his abilities were, in comparison to all the other Transformers. Also he made Megatron look like a total wuss-bot, after he was set up as a pretty scary baddie in the first movie. What was with the kneeling and my master talk, Lame.
What Should Have Happened: He should have killed Optimus Prime as opposed to "gathering strength" on the far side of some moon. Also they should have made an attempt to explain just why this particular early Transformer was so especially scary. You could also argue that this movie shouldn't have been made — period — or The Fallen should have kept back to the third movie, to let the Constructicons take the lead. The Devastator was vaguely threatening for the minutes he was sucking down sand.
Watchman's Ozymandius:
Why He Failed: This character was doomed from the start mainly due to the way he was written (and what was left out) and the role's casting. Sadly, Matthew Goode just couldn't pull off golden haired Adonis, we deserved better.
What Should Have Happened: They shouldn't have tampered with the ending. Zack Snyder left just about everything else in there — why futz with the scariest parts of the film? Snyder never should have let Hayter use 9/11 to cut the destruction and violence out of a book that is destructive and violent for a reason. Leave in the sea of blood that fell upon New York. His part should have been beefed up — poor Ozzy was dreadfully underwritten, and also recasting might have helped a bit.
Skynet (T4 Terminators):
Why They Failed: These robotic buffoons didn't make a single logical decision, from start to finish. We know Skynet and the Terminators are ruthless, they'll leave your mean step-uncle dangling by the neck on their spiked hands until they carelessly flick him off. And yet they can't think far enough ahead so they can maybe, just maybe pit more than one Terminator against THE John Connor, when they are sitting on top of a freakin' Terminator factory.
What Should Have Happened: We could go on — and we have. Basically, they needed menace. They needed to feel cold and uncaring. Maybe if they'd slaughtered floppy-headed little kid in front of Kyle Reese, that would have helped. But really, their idiotic bungling always undercut their actions. A complete rewrite is needed front to back.
Sadly while these bad guys continue to ruin of a supervillain upturn, our future is not looking too bright.
Further Failures:
Whiplash
Sure, Iron Man villains are supposed to be the eviliest evil people of all time, but this is not really helping the case. Whiplash doesn't quite leave me speeches and begging for mercy, not even with those highlights.
Cobra Commander and Destro
While I'm cautiously optimistic about Destro, nothing good will come of a Cobra Commander who looks like this. We've seen further evidence to back up the tremendous fail awaiting our Commander in the GI Joe flick, there's nothing scary about about silver scuba gear with a bit of pipping sticking out the side.
Us
In both Distict 9 and Avatar the human beings are the bad guys, yet again. While I'm excited for these two films, learning a valuable lesson about the human species doesn't really send shudders down my spine.
But fear not —we're holding out hope for the pasty white cave/bat people from space and the Appalachian Mountains to save us. Enter the white demons from Pandorum and The Descent 2. Sure they are similar, but they both give me the heebie jeebies and seem to want only one thing: to confuse you, and then kill you. I'm desperate for some good old fashioned killing, and I have a feeling these guys will deliver.
Send an email to Meredith, the author of this post, at meredith@io9.com.
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