A Full Week Of Earth-Stopping, Shocking Torchwood

It's a British invasion this week, as Torchwood takes over BBC America with the acclaimed new miniseries "Children Of Earth." Meanwhile, True Blood gets some vampire competition from Britain's Being Human, and we meet Veronica's father on Ted.

Monday:

Spectacular Spider-Man -
Venom is back, and talkin' like a frat guy. Spidey and Venom will have a bro-off, after Venom totally frames the wall-crawler. Meanwhile, alien spores infect John Jameson. The latest episode is on 7:30 PM on Disney XD.


Torchwood: Children of Earth -
Finally, your chance to watch the miniseries that's gotten rave reviews in the U.K. Tonight, discover a whole new side to Captain Jack Harkness, the slutty blue-eyed rogue who's a friend to both the women and the boys. Meanwhile, one morning, all the children of the world freeze in their tracks, and it's up to the team to figure out why — before the world ends. New Torchwood is on BBC America at 9 PM, and it's preceded by "Inside The Hub," a one-hour special that'll give you a crash course in all things Torchwood. Also, after the episode ends at 10:15, there'll be an extra 15 minutes of behind-the scenes featurettes and interviews.


Movies:
Matthew Vaughn, director of the upcoming Kick-Ass, brings us a not-so-sweet story about a man who finds a fallen star that turns into a beautiful woman (Claire Danes), in Stardust. Unfortunately an old witch, played by Michelle Pfieffer, wants nothing more than to cut said star's heart out for her own use. Plus Robert De Niro like you've never seen him before. The movie airs on TMC at 8 PM.

Tuesday:

Warehouse 13 -
The freak of the week on Warehouse 13 is forcing people to act our their subconscious desires. Meanwhile everyone's favorite crazy uncle, Artie, manages tries to discover the source of those wild power surges. America's attic airs on SyFy at 9 PM.


Better Off Ted -
Veronica is fighting the CEO of another big company (who happens to be her father). I know, we're as shocked as you are — we always assumed beautiful, gorgeous, comedic genius Porita was chemically made, like that bio computer from a few months back. Phil and Lem look for a cure for baldness, and we have to meet Ted's father in the show I now call, "Please get off my TV, title character, you're wasting my Phil and Lem time," on ABC at 9 PM.


Torchwood: Children of Earth -
Part Two begins on BBC America at 9 PM. Trust me you. won't. want. to. miss. it.

Movies:
Robin Williams desecrates our dead Presidents, and Stiller doles out more of that wacky "bup bup boop boop" delivery that was so successful for some reason in the early 00s. But that being said, the tiny living dioramas are delightful. It's like Mannequin, but you don't want to sleep with Teddy Roosevelt. Night at the Museum is on FX at 8:30 PM.


Wednesday:

Monsters Inside Me -
You know why people wear shoes? So they don't get threadworm which travels up your esophagus to reproduce in your lungs and basically hang out in your body for years without being detected, so that's why. Learn to fear the ground on Animal Planet at 9 PM.

Not The Specific One, But The Same Idea

MonsterQuest -
Feral-dog packs that attack humans are investigated on the History Channel at 9 PM.

Torchwood: Children of Earth -
In part three, everything the show's been building up to so far comes to fruition, and we get our first glimpse of the mysterious 456. Plus, Captain Jack has another shocking revelation, one which may change how you view him forever. Part Three begins on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
Jackie Chan's remake of Around the World in 80 Days features a cameo from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who wouldn't want to miss that? On Disney XD at 5 PM.

Thursday:

Moments of Impact -
Watch teens flee an erupting volcano, and a traffic stop becomes a gunfight — all in super-slow motion, on the Discovery Channel at 9 PM.

Naked Science -
An analysis of NASA's Project Constellation, the government's lofty aspiration to establish a human outpost on the moon by 2020. On National Geographic Channel at 10 PM.


Torchwood: Children of Earth -
If you thought the first three parts were shocking and upsetting, part four ups the ante quite a bit more, with an ending that will leave you screaming at your television set. That's on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:

Joss Whedon's masterpiece sendoff for the Pirate Space Western series Firefly airs tonight. Gather up your loyal browncoats and practice swearing in Chinese on the SyFy Channel at 6:30 PM.

Friday:

Eureka -
Carter's love life perks up with the introduction of Dr. Tess Fontana, who's brought in by Allison to re-open Section Five. When something more sinister is opened, Carter and Tess learn the secret behind the objects that move on their own. On SyFy at 9 PM.

Torchwood: Children of Earth -
The world descends into anarchy and the future of the human race is in jeopardy, when Part Five begins on BBC America at 9 PM.

Movies:
Matthew Broderick uses his considerable war games skills to fight Godzilla. He teams up with some people to prevent the radioactive lizard from destroying Manhattan, but who's going to stop Roland Emmerich from desecrating an icon? Find out on FX at 6 PM.

Saturday:

Kings -
The end is here. You may weep openly. Once you dry your tears, though, watch Jack preparing to be crowned — when Silas turns up alive. David sets out to warn him about the plot against him, and the biblical show finishes its run on NBC at 8 PM.

Primeval -
The series finale sends the team back in time to prevent the poisoning at the hands of Helen Cutter of the earliest humans, to stop their evolution. On BBC America at 8 PM.


Being Human -
The U.K. comedy series finally gets its American debut. A werewolf, vampire and a ghost share a flat, and together they learn how to deal with their "special needs" like transmorphing under a full moon or needing to feed on human blood. Make sure to tune in to BBC America at 9 PM, to give this hilarious show a warm American welcome.


Movies:
Goblin sharks attack Malibu, when a tsunami brings them to shore. Oh, and a massive wave cuts lifeguards and construction workers off from what we can now call "the mainland." Malibu Shark Attack is on SyFy at 9 PM.

Stay up late and catch Park Chan Wook's I'm A Cyborg But That's OK, which I sadly missed last week (thanks to everyone who pointed that out). Adorable Young-goon believes that she is a cyborg, and has therefore stopped eating, etc. Now it's up to another slightly demented patient to bring her back to humanity. See the robot/human love on the Sundance Channel at 1:30 AM.


Sunday:

True Blood -
Daphne wants Sam to come out of his monster closet, while our favorite star-crossed pair of lovers (Hoyt and Jessica) play out their unrequited love on the small screen. Bless you for being so ridiculous, True Blood, on HBO at 9 PM.

Dr. Who -
UPDATE: Sorry this sort of disappeared in the morning craze, but it's back. Dr. Who's Planet Of The Dead premieres in America this Sunday on the BBC America at 8 PM. The Doctor in the middle of a desert alien with the bionic woman and they gotta get away before they're victim to the swarm.


Additional reporting by Caitlin Petrakovitz.