Today's mock dispatch from The Onion explains how Gabriel Fournier wrote his sure-to-be-hit novel The Eclipse Of Infinity by attributing every plot advancement, character development, and conflict resolution to a vaguely defined concept called "quantum flux:"

And, of course, there's something I call quantum flux, which is like the binding force behind everything in the universe. Plus, it can cause time travel. And it's an energy source, too.

Fournier goes on to talk about his effortless writing process, explains the various plot holes plugged by quantum flux, and describes his book as "The Matrix times a million." We can't wait for the sequel.

Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux' [The Onion — Thanks, John!]