Last night was the big campy Queen vampire reveal. Will she be pretty? Will she be rich? here's what vampire Evan Rachel Woods said to me... que sera sera.
This episode seemed to tread water a little bit, much like last week's, but at least we got in some quality Eric time. Seriously, he was all over the place with his Matrix-flying dress-wearing Swedish ass. And we approved of all of that. The rest? Well, kind of a crazy let down. But let me tell it to you, "Pro and Con" style.
Con: Evan Rachel Wood's Queen schtick. Was she a whole lotta glam packed in one tiny body? Yes. Well styled? Yes. Did she have a fabulous day room? Yes. Was she handed some of the best one-liners in True Blood History? Oh yes. The True Blood crew, writers, and stylists set this character up with the most non-fail safety net in the history of sexy vampires who say clever things. Which is why I'm shocked to the core at how she single handedly almost destroyed this character entirely. Her delivery came across as brittle, wooden and, well, dead.
In fact I enjoyed all those other things about her character so much that I would forget how bad her delivery was, with a gasp and giggle thinking... oooooh, vampire Bill playing Yahtzee — hand claps all around chortle, chuckle, snort — wait... what? You're not even trying. I felt like I was watching my baby sister pretend act out the Great Gatsby, slightly tipsy off strawberry wine but completely bored with the entire shenanigan. "Whaaats that you say," feigned eye roll and look of disinterest, "that's acting, mah dear boy. Now lookatme be all vampiresque and royal campy camp." It's not fair, she was handed the best lines of the night on a silver platter, and the whole time I was thinking Vampire Bill is out-crap-acting you. Be more something, anything — be more interesting. Your blood donors are out shining you. It was like listening to nails on a chalk board to hear her stiffly eke out the "kidding" joke to Bill about having sex. I know you are carefree and no longer of this world since you have all the answers but give us something, just a bit to go on.
Bottom line: ERW half committed to True Blood, and in a land where people shoot light out of their fingers, pretend to be horned gods, have sex with trees, and turn into flies, you really have to lay it all out there if you want to stand out. When Sam transforms into a fly, he sells it... when Jason talks his idiotic banter, there's no winky cringe from the actor trying to imply that he's secretly smart underneath it all. Ryan Kwanten is 100% Jason, awkward eggplant engorged penis scene and all, and that's why we love him. If you don't commit, you're just a disappointing cameo that wasted a great character. But what am I saying? There is no such thing as time or God or whatever for a vampire, but I don't really remember because I was zoning out every time she spoke, hoping we could get back to the day-room shots, which were lovely.
But again, let me remind you that her writing, look and surrounding cast were all excellent. I would frame the pictures I grabbed of her in her larger-than-average fangs. She's a classic undead beauty, you cannot deny it. But The Queen lost a loyal subject out of me entirely with her delivery.
But moving on, because it's not healthy to harp on this and there's a lot of good still to come.
Pro: Hoyt's response to Jessica's actions is pretty believable, and I approve — he's been a momma's boy longer than he's been a boyfriend.
Con: Tara is still upset about Eggs, I'm upset that she's upset about Eggs, doesn't she pride herself in being a smart person? Did she not just realize that she was possessed and that this lady is probably going to kill more people and make them eat hearts? So shouldn't we think about this a bit more? Nope, not Tara. She will yell and scream and say totally unfounded things like, "I finally found a strong, beautiful good man who loves me".... oh, Tara I hate to burst your bubble but, no. None of those things apply to Eggs, or anyone named Eggs, ever.
Con: Tara called Lafayette a freak....now you're just being mean. Pushing Lafayette off your side is the wrong thing to do lady.
Pro: Sam, Jason and Andy cleaning up the bar...glad we have time for this guys.
Pro: Jason and Sam fighting each other, and Jason kind of making sense — not really but a little bit, especially when he stats quoting leftover things in his brain, "sometimes you need to destroy something to save it."
Pro: Arlene's kids have taken to the woods, which is what kids do when they are hungry: turn into crazy feral children. That's why you should feed them regularly or they will turn on you.
Pro: Bill Texts Sookie. What do you think Bill's text looks like? "SUUUUKIE I WILL BE RETIRING AT THE PALACE, I WILL RETURN UPON NIGHTFALL. I WILL REQUIRE RELATIONS. ERIC IS EVIL. XO - VAMPIRE BILL"
Con: Sookie's description of Tara's feelings while being possessed made zero sense at all.
Con: Tara is spoiled and cares about no one other than herself, which is probably why she and Sook are besties. Seriously Tara you're going to let your Mom shoot the only person who cares about you? This whole nonsense is killing me. Everyone hates Eggs Tara, EVERYONE, so what you're trying to do here is not noble, it's severely irritating. LET HIM DIE.
Con: Why haven't we been seeing more of Lafayette's sex dreams? More of L's dreams, less of Sookie's, please.
Con: Lafayette's PTSD reaction. Twitchy boring annoying I hate both Tara and her mom now and whoever decided this is how they would demonstrate Lafayette's problems.
Pro: But because of his crazy PTSD episode we get Eric in Tara's mom's dress. Yay. I'd forgotten about these moments. So does this mean Lafayette is having sex dreams about Eric and PTSD dreams?
Pro: Sookie telling Tara she's being a fucking idiot. Well, at least someone said it. But it's not the same when the person delivering the news needs to be taking it as well.
Pro: Jason's mind wrapping around Sam's powers. I'm glad it doesn't actually stop here with the questions. What if Sam....
Pro: Dance With me!
Con: Sam and Arlene kids talking about their mysterious missing Daddy: "All i know is his name is Dwayne and he tattooed mama's name on her stomach." Well, that's probably not important at all, is it?
Con: Sookie telling Lafayette to suck it up. Is he not driving the car towards the problem? Timing, babe, timing.
Con: Tara storming in and kissing smiley faced Eggs and not once thinking, hmmmm this was a huge mistake. But no matter "That shit doesn't work on her anymore...punch to the face.....nope wait it does." So that was easy enough, wasn't it? Moving on.
Con: Maryann's new powers of 1,000 squeaking mice is inside our minds.
Pro: Jason arguing about taking advantage of women while they're passed out or under the influence of the devil or whatnot.
Con: SHAME on you True Blood for making me think that Andy was dead, even for a second.
Pro: Hoyt's sad backstory, finding out while his mom was all crazy pants. Also pro to whatever his Mom was cooking, out of hot sauce and candy...
Con: Sookie comparing the naked people in her house to when she almost got raped in Dallas — but really, this house defilement was so much worse than her rape. Are you kidding me? It's like there is a bell in her head saying, "Wait a minute, we stopped talking about me. Hey remember when I almost got raped, you don't? Well this is way worse. Did you hear me I said I was almost raped you know. Me me me me me me I I I I I I, the world all happens because I make it so!"
Pro: Thank god Arlene and Terry are in the tree and could stop this madness with more madness.
Pro: This is the first time I've been afraid of the black-eyed people because holy crumudgeoncrapple she just cut off her finger as a gift! I'm glad they didn't take it this far too early.
Pro: Sink guy, at my next party, I'm making sure I have one of those handy.
Pro: Eric decides to sit like this....
Con: Hey remember Pam? She remembers you and wants you to remember the funny joke she made once about shoes, remember she just said it! Think! Hard! Also BAD outfit. Pam, but arguably this is all in her wheelhouse, so it's a Con/Pro really for being consistent, like when Bill wet-blankets things.
Pro: Tea cup humans are delicious.
Con: Eric's willingness to help out, presumably to impress Sookie. Blah, we are so lucky that this whole disgusting display of emotion was then covered up with FLYING ERIC.....zoooooooooom. Eric Awaaaaay. Flying is a Pro.
Pro: Bill in flowery swimming trunks.
Con: This whole hilarious moment is almost ruined by the Queen and her attempt to convince me that she loves seeing two men together — please, with some sort of believability, please. Prove it.
Con: KARL! oh no who will bring us towels now! No way will Lafayette be her bitch man.
Con: EVR is RUINING vampire Yahtzee for me. RUINING IT. I will never forgive her for this. This is one of those moments that will probably never be captured on screen again and she is just yawning through it. I'm being robbed of the experience of fully enjoying vampire Yahtzee. And the worst part of it all, I feel like she knows she's doing it. I'm getting the impression that in her mind she doesn't really care how the Vampire Queen of Louisiana would play Yahtzee. I never actually believed that she hated 3-sies or anything else she was all but reciting from memory during this conversation. It's more, "I said a funny campy thing. Look at me, I'm so glam-glam goth, which is totally in right now, campy camp camp words, okay bye." UGH.
Pro: Thank god for Hadley and her slutty but not really bathing suit, and pigtails. It's cute trash with a red strawberry tint, and I'm into it. Am I curious about her backstory, maybe next season with the whole Arlene's other ex whatnot. I like that Bill didn't tell her Gan was dead, probably for that best.
Pro: Thank you for finally saying what we've all been thinking, Queeny. This is your pro for the night: it's time for Eric and Bill to get together already.
Pro: Eric's mussy Peter Pan hair. I can flyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Pro: Bill calling Eric desperate and than saying he'll tell the Queen he's letting humans sell vampire blood. Who's desperate now, bitch? I also like how pissed this made Eric, let's hope there is more to the Queen. A mean side perhaps?
Pro: Jason making sure he and Andy carb up before their big battle, then they each say pussy 1,000 times and Jason gets to talk about how hard it is being him... There really is too much good to this conversation. I think I need to post it.
I'm taking back last weeks aforementioned Supernatural Surveillance Andy and Sam private eye sitcom... I'm thinking it may have to be three men and a vampire baby, I can't live without Jason saying the things that he does. Accepting title submissions now.
Also another pro to Jason for foreshadowing the terrible scrambled ended. Remember this is how True Blood uses foreshadowing, by just telling us the future.
Con: Sookie is STILL on the floor? She's so helpful and smart.
Con: Sink boy is gone.
Con: Aaaaand the big reveal is a giant egg. Yep a giant freaking egg. No, no seriously a group of adults sat down and looked at each other and decided that the big climax for the second to last episode that we've bore through countless hours of group sex for, will be squeezed out of Maryann's well dressed body, because she is a chicken lady.
Then Sookie screams because they just ruined the best character in the world by making him a black-eyed zombie. And I scream, because it's a giant fucking egg. This is what I've been waiting for? So Maryann is going to make love to whatever comes out of the egg, or does it need to be fertilized like fish eggs? Will she sit on top of it at one point and cluck like a giant bird? Yes, True Blood, I was surprised, but I'm not sure if it was a good thing. Then again that's pretty ridiculous but perhaps we've gone a bit too far with this one. We may have crossed the rat shit insane Rubicon by already having Eric in a dress, Yahtzee, black eyed naked zombies and flying undead people. Just saying it's hard not to see this giant egg and think this...
And that's it. We have to wait a whole extra week before the finale, which feels like a reenactment of Jason's god hoax from the previous episodes but with more dresses, and probably a death. Here's what I'm taking away with ERW: she was bad, but beautiful. My problem with her was the stiff delivery which really got in the way when you compare her to the actors that are just going insane on this series. Eric had to bend over and convince me that children were especially yummy this episode, and he did, expertly. So can I just take old ERW as eye candy and just que sera the whole Queen conundrum, like she did to Bill's problems... Yes I can, I'm not happy about her super-fun game time face, but there's always vampire Taboo and vampire Pictionary.