We Saw Monday's Lesbotastic, Rainbow-Britey Heroes!

It's the Heroes episode we've been waiting for, called "Hysterical Blindness," and NBC was kind enough to send us a preview copy. Dying to know the future of your television life? We've got a spoiler-lite breakdown for you.

Let's go through our favorite subsubsubplots and grade them, shall we? We've also got a tasty batch of preview clips for you below.

RAMPANT LESBIANISM:

So how was The Kiss? On a scale of one to ultra-smokin, I would give it a "meh." More exciting than the kiss, which I'll discuss in granular detail in my recap on Tuesday, is the whole lesbotic sorority subplot that leads up to the kiss. Did you know there is such a thing as sorority speed dating night for new pledges? Apparently it's what all those normal girls were doing when I was in college smoking dope and having bisexual threesomes. Now you can find out all about what happens when sorority girls speed date each other on Heroes! I utterly loved the sorority subsubsubplot, especially because it introduces a new face whom you might know from Veronica Mars!

NYLAR:

At the end of this week's episode, Nylar had been shot and buried alive by an evil society mom getting revenge on Mama Petrelli. When he emerges from the grave, he's lost his memory. So how does this subsubsubplot go? Not very well. There is a lot of acting going on, which makes you yearn for all those times when poor Zachary Quinto actually has good lines - you know, like when he's in a Star Trek movie. Also, how many freakin times have we seen Sylar rediscover his powers after some drugging or memory loss or therapy or whatever. Jeezus. On a scale of one to powertastic, I would give the Nylar subsubsubplot a grunt.

RAINBOW BRIGHT LADY:

Emma the deaf lady who sees pretty colors when children sing is back, and she and Peter are finally making a bad CGI connection! The less said about this the better. Too many scenes of floaty colors and pianos. On a scale of one to rainbow, I give this subsubsubplot a black tank top from Hot Topic.

DIRT-POWERED CARNIVAL:

This subsubsubplot makes me sad because I feel like Samuel the dirt-power guy could actually have been cool in some alternate universe where Heroes has coherent characterization and rich dialog. Next week you'll discover that dirt powers are basically everything. Join me in complete confusion as to how the hell "controlling dirt" also means you can do all the other stuff Samuel does. There is some cool stuff where we meet more of the carnival mutants, and find out more about how the Carnival itself works. On a scale of one to carnivalesque, I give this subsubsubplot a Suicide Girls tattoo.