Nov 12, 2009 04:20 PM
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Tue Feb 9
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Sure, disaster movies are just empty calories of mass destruction — but even when you don't take them seriously, there are always some scenes that you just can't excuse. We've collected the most infuriating moments from the biggest disaster movies.
Disaster: Volcano
Our Breaking Point: The Subway Scene
How long do you think the people were sitting in that train? Seriously — how long? After a little while of watching people pass out, one after the other, from heat? I'd LEAVE. But no, this guy has to die a painful death walking through lava. Which in itself was a horrible thing — walk faster, melty guy!
Here's the remixed version — watch the full scene here.
Disaster: Deep Impact
Our Breaking Point: The Wave of Love
Nothing brings a daughter and a distant father back together like a giant tidal wave. Call me black-hearted, but this whole "I'm facing my destruction head on, and what? Oh hey, there's my dad who was never around. What the hey, I forgive you!" Tasted like yuck. And to all the people loading up their cars: Come on, it's the end of the world, the roads are always blocked. I bet they felt foolish when they realized they could have just stood on a high mountain to avoid the water. But the hug-it-out wave was still the worst.
Disaster: Armageddon
Our Breaking Point: Ben Affleck
Good theme music and spaceman slo-mo walking, but even if you can convince the audience that a team of misfit drillers can be trained to do their jobs in space, there's no way you can make me believe this scene. Remember, the crew went up in two ships, and they get separated. But don't worry, Ben Affleck's asteroid rover isn't damaged, and he and the remaining crew drive across a sharp-as-razors terrain, fly over a cannon, and find their way back to the other crew. After they shoot their way out of the ship. WHY DID IT HAVE GUNS IN THE FIRST PLACE? Uh, no.
Disaster: The Day After Tomorrow
Our Breaking Point: Frost Running
I didn't think it was possible for a character to piss me off more than when Dennis Quaid announced that he would be walking from Philly to New York, through the worlds most horrific storm, ever. And then his movie son Jake Gyllenhaal and his friends ran from frost, and a pack of wolves. They outran cold. You cannot run from cold, and you cannot protect yourself from cold by shutting the door, nor can you breathe air that is that cold — but screw science, you just plain can't run from cold.
Disaster: Twister
Our Breaking Point: Thank God For These Leather Straps
Twister was a fun movie about lunatics who chase twisters, thus making storm-chasing look infinitely cooler than it could ever be. But for the most part, it's just lots of driving and yelling up at the sky and seeing cows fly past, etc — you know, good stuff. Until the big one. At the end, Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt chase and get chased by the really, really big tornado, and instead of dying, they tie themselves with leather belts to a pole, and survive. Their arms remain intact and neither of them manage to get hit by any of the debris that is encircling them. Lucky ducks, eh?
Disaster: The Core
Our Breaking Point: Explaining Unobtainium
The science behind the ship. It's made out of unobtainium, so the hotter and deeper it gets the stronger it gets. And it's shaped like a penis. So yeah...
Disaster: Outbreak
Our Breaking Point: Dustin Saves The Town With His Words
Between a ton of accidental spills and the trained professional scientists sticking their hands into infected blood samples or falling asleep on the job, the worst moment of all is by far Dustin Hoffman's magical speech. Yes, it's worse than the little girl playing with the ebola host monkey. Never in a million years would Dustin Hoffman be allowed to sit up there in that plane. I'd give him two minutes before he was shot out of the sky.
Disaster: The Happening
Our Breaking Point: The Ending
First the plants attack cities, then the roads, then the small cities, then groups, then angry people, then it's the wind. What. The Hell. How can something that probably took millions of years to develop change in hours? Because M. Night said so, that's why — so quit your whining and watch the big ending payoff. Wahlberg and Zooey then decide to suicides themselves, because Zooey decided even though the plants are killing everyone, she should take their dead friend's child outside to run amuck. And now they are trapped — by wind. Time to give up hope and walk towards each other with big sweeping instrumentals, what HAPPENS? Nothing. "The event must have stopped before we went out here." Screw this movie.
Disaster: Dante's Peak
Our Breaking Point: Grandma Gives Her Life
While I agree with having those who have already lived full lives sacrifice themselves first, this is a freaking strange scene. They're like, "Five seconds to the dock," and she decides to walk to the shore too, for extra dramatics.
[Thanks to Annalee and Ray Wert for the phallic Core jokes]
Send an email to Meredith, the author of this post, at meredith@io9.com.
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