Lost-a-Thon: One Woman's Introduction To The Entire Series in One Sitting

Wish you could watch the entirety of LOST again for the very first time? Press "reset" and view it with virgin eyes? I did just that in less than two weeks while deftly avoiding spoilers at every turn. Recap Ahead!

The decision to watch five seasons of Lost in such a short amount of time was not an easy one. The potential for boredom, embarrassment at not having watched it along with everyone else, burn out, and EPIC SPOILERY was exponentially great and yet, for you gentle reader, I soldiered on. And, like the good-ish journalist that I am, found myself completely embedded in Cuse and Lindelof's island kingdom. Join me in a n00b filled recap of the series won't you? Set aside your pre-conceived notions of where the show has gone and begin afresh - tabula rasa - with me, Kiala Kazebee, as I journal out my Lost feelings.

Season One: I Hate Everyone On This Island Except Vincent

Lost-a-Thon: One Woman's Introduction To The Entire Series in One Sitting

So the first season of Lost was kind of horrifically boring. The temptation to Google was so bad, I found myself locking my laptop away while the show was on. Still, I persevered with occasional naps sprinkled about to shake the boredom off.

The first episode was great. I think we can all agree on that. The noise and chaos surrounding the plane crash was incredibly unnerving, leading up to the crescendo of that jet engine whining and whirring until it sucked that annoying dude up into it- almost killing Claire...which honestly, I maybe wouldn't have minded. Claire is boring.

"WTF IS THAT NOISE AND OMG IT JUST KILLED THAT DUDE!" I believe I might have said this phrase. I believe I might have said this whilst eating a burrito. Or cereal. I don't know. We were watching LOST non-stop for awhile there and all my meals became kind of a blur at some point. Anyway, the ricola horn noise is the smoke monster, I guess. I'd heard about the smoke monster obviously, I mean I don't live in a rape cave (BEST LINE EVER from that stupid Shannon). So now we know about the smoke monster and we know about the Others but not what they are exactly. There are some polar bears (YES!) milling around, Walt can maybe make things happen with his mind, Michael is the Worst Father Ever, Locke thinks he's Survivor Man, Jack is so holier than thou I can't even look at him, Sawyer's hair is ridiculous, and Kate stares at the ocean a lot. We meet crazytown Danielle who needs some moisturizer something fierce because an old shoe for a face is not very French, now is it? She tortures Sayid a little which is okay because he's a torturer himself and there is a hatch which turns on it's heartlight for Locke.

Oh and Charlie is a junkie and Claire's baby gets stolen by old shoe face Rousseau.

Something something boring about a raft. I really don't care where Michael goes as long as I don't have to hear him shouting about WALLLLT ever again.

Season Two: Henry Gale is Ben OMG DUH.
So we get into the hatch and it's made out of Karen Carpenter Mama Cass music and Dwell housing materials. A really hot guy named Desmond lives down there and he's all antsy about pushing a button. He kind of looks like Gaius Baltar but not as annoying.

The numbers on the hatch are Hurley's numbers so he is reluctant to go down there but then he finds the food closet and he's happy for a minute with all that Dharma peanut butter and Atomic bars but soon is put in charge of the food supplies which sets off his insecurity button because Hurley MUST BE LIKED BY EVERYONE. This gets resolved in a really stupid way especially considering we later find out Hurley's been hording food all along. Oh Hurley. Big sigh. Love you buddy.

Anyway, the Losties find the tail end plane crash survivors and Ana Lucia (their leader) is eventually shot through the heart and Michael's to blame. This is the only thing Michael ever did that I approve of. But then he had to go and shoot Crazy Libby and I immediately wished for Michael to burst into flames.

We find out "Henry Gale" is Ben the leader of The Others and everyone in the world utters a collective DUH. But still, it's interesting and the character of Ben is probably one of the finest villains ever wrought.

Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are captured by the Others. Michael and Walt sail awaaaaayyyyy THANK YOU ISLAND.

Season Three: That's Not Penny
Hey there's a new blonde girl! Oh it's Juliet! I've heard of her. She seems smart. I don't like her mouth though. I think she's trying to be "wry" but it comes off as "face lift". Anyway, Juliet might be a good person. We don't know yet. Sawyer and Kate do it in the bear cages and are rewarded by tasty fish cakes.

Ben shows this to Jack. Jack still loves Kate for whatever reason (her ocean staring abilities?) and sacrifices his freedom for hers and Sawyer's. What a chump.

Speaking of chumps, we learn Locke's Dad is on the island. Sawyer shoots him. Mister Locke turns out to be the original Sawyer. HUZZAH! A woman named Naomi comes to "rescue" them. She has a boat which is probably not Penny's boat. Charlie dies. Something, something....GO BACK TO THE ISLAND.

Season 4: Jack's Beard Is Awesome
Some of the people get off the island. Also PENNY!!!! Kate has Claire's baby. NOT THAT WAY PEOPLE. She fosters him or whatever. Sawyer jumps off the helicopter.

Season 5: Hippies Ruin Everything
WTF Sawyer and Juliet are hippies on the Dharma compound and Kate and Jack and Hurley and EVERYONE comes to "rescue" them. They do not want this and then Juliet maybe blows up the island. Also, I think she might be pregnant.

Honestly, after squashing this much Lostiness into my brain pan all at once I think I might be a wee bit batty. Like "seeing my dead dad wandering around Oahu" batty. Still, I will be sitting in front of the TV on Tuesday night, anxiously awaiting the return of Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Miles, and the rest. And this time around, I'll know what everyone is talking about, god damn it.