Heroes Is Like Beating Your Head Against A Brick Wall For Ten Years

It's hard to argue with a Heroes episode that's about Peter and Sylar beating a giant brick wall for years on end. That's how we all feel, watching this show! I've drunk some scotch and I'm ready for recappage.

I'm also fortifying myself with Cadbury chocolate digestives during this episode, called "The Wall," and I really must recommend these tasty cookies if you need to survive something horrifying. Unfortunately, Peter and Sylar don't have any inside their inner hell of Parkman's making - which isn't that hellish unless you think downtown New York City without the tourist and banker crowds is REALLY SCARY. Sylar has been dividing his time between the mental hell of watchmaking and Terrifying Empty New York City. Then he runs into Peter, who is clutching a giant pole and looking like he wants to reenact that scene from Matrix: Revolutions where Neo fights a zillion Agent Smiths. Except there is only one Peter, thankfully.

Peter tries to explain that he's here to rescue Sylar, because Sylar has to rescue Emma, according to the annoying vision that Peter has had repeatedly of Emma looking sad while playing her pain cello. And Sylar goes into full whiny mode about loneliness again. "This is part of my punishment," he says, referring vaguely to everything. No - this is OUR punishment. We are still watching Heroes.

OK, so Peter is going to get them out of head prison. But his eyes-squeezed-closed powers don't work! They're still trapped in a world without day traders! I bet they're going to have to work together to get out.

Unfortunately, boys, the only way to do that is buttsechs. So Peter, get that hammer of yours ready to pound. Yee haw!

Heroes Is Like Beating Your Head Against A Brick Wall For Ten Years

WHY is there this giant mural of Samuel at the carnival? He's wearing his awful vest, no less, and doing a Jesus gesture. When I see something like this on Heroes, I always think sadly to myself: Somebody on the crew had to paint that. I hope whoever it was had some fun.

For Samuel's next trick, we're heading to the House of Mirrors, where one of the carnies has the power to "show memories" in the mirrors - basically his mutant power is being a Slingbox that sits between your brain and the wall screens. Too bad his mutant power isn't turning into a BitTorrent client, because I really want to watch the season premiere of Lost right now.

Anyway, you know what memories mean on Heroes. A black-and-white sequence that is really boring and makes no sense! This time, Samuel is trying to convince Claire that HRG is evil by showing her how he joined the company. Turns out he was a really bad used car salesman in 1985, married to a cute lady, and trying to write plays.

Heroes Is Like Beating Your Head Against A Brick Wall For Ten Years

But then! A telekinetic Chinese food delivery guy holds them up and kills HRG's wife by hurling her into a glass coffee table! Now HRG is looking for revenge and he starts tracking every "special" he can find, and kills them. Also, we know he's turned evil because he becomes a really good used car salesman. And that's how he meets the head of the Company, who recruits him out of vigilante justice and into secret spy shit. Also, his Company boss arranges HRG's marriage to Claire's mom, literally saying to HRG, "You need to get married - the waitress here will do." And then he marries the waitress, who is Claire's mom! OMG whoa! Claire is pretty pouty.

OK let's get back to Broody and McBrooderson, still in their giant spiritual pits of anguish. Sylar is moaning about how he deserves "all this aloneness" and bringing Peter comic books. Peter is trying to break down a brick wall, which he thinks is what's blocking them from returning to the real world. Why do we care about Sylar's loneliness? Can't they just have buttsechs already?

At least back at the Carnival, Lauren is taking her shirt off so Emma can dab her wounds and say "I'm a doctor," which as we know is a total lie. She's a med school dropout. And she sucks in all kinds of other ways too, because as soon as Samuel shows up she says, "That lady said you are a bad man and shot us," and Samuel says, "No I'm not - just let me talk to her," and then Emma gives up Lauren's hiding place.

Heroes Is Like Beating Your Head Against A Brick Wall For Ten Years

Why is Emma so lame? Of course, the showdown between Lauren and Samuel is much lamer. It involves Lauren asking, "What did the world ever do to you?" And Samuel says, "I could have been so much more."

Oh jeezus we're back to Peter smashing the wall, and Sylar is like "You have to eat! Eat, bubeleh! Just a little chicken soup!" I love how Sylar keeps saying, "Jeez, can't you just get over how I killed your brother and niece? I said I'm sorry already."

Switch back to Samuel, still delivering the awful Magneto speeches, as written by clowns on quaaludes. He's telling Claire how important it is for her to stay with him in the Carnival and remember what he's done for generations to come. I'm not sure why he thinks it will persuade Claire to like him more when he says, "I saw someone who was afraid - I want to see that look on everybody's face!" The best part is that as he says this, a guy is behind them carrying a giant killer whale stuffed animal. We will destroy the world with gigantic plush toys!

Oh by the way? Samuel's big plan? Land the Carnival in Central Park and destroy New York City. What happened to the terraformed paradise in Idaho or wherever? These carnies have really short attention spans when it comes to world destruction plans.

Claire delivers the total smackdown to Samuel. She says, "You're small." Ohhhhh, face!

But Samuel gets the last word when he buries a souvenir bus with Claire and HRG in it 50 feet underground. And then that's followed by this nigh on nonsensical scene with Peter and Sylar.

Ken Follett book? Huh? This conversation makes NO sense. "I'm not that guy anymore." "You are who you are." And then there's this moment of forgiveness and the wall breaks down! It feels like it's been years of hammer buttsechs, but it's only been half a day. They're off to save Emma, but unfortunately Xerox guy is there to stop them! Where the hell is Parkman?

I feel like my head is buried 50 feet underground with Claire and HRG.

Tune in next week, for the Last Episode Of Heroes Ever - at least, as far as we know. NBC hasn't renewed the series, and it's the last new episode of the season. But of course, something terrible could always happen. WHAT DID THE WORLD EVER DO TO US?