Ultra Warrior's opening monologue/montage is completely insane: four-breasted slave girls, a post-apocalyptic world run by armed "pimps, bohemians and sexual deviants," and mutant bandits who cut people in half. But it only gets worse in the 30 monologues that follow.


Just when you think Ultra Warrior's opening monologue and random collection of post-apocalyptic scenes is over, and the story is moving forward, someone interrupts the flow of events to launch another monologue, filled with more weird footage of strange goings on. There are space battles, with rebels attacking the Zirconium mines on Mars! There are post-apocalyptic atrocities, narrated by various mutants and rebels. (Oh, and the mineral everybody wants is really called Zirconium. Beats Unobtanium, I guess.)

Oh, and before anybody else says it, I think this film is mostly intended to be serious, despite a few tongue-in-cheek bits in the voiceovers. But it's really hard to tell. The excessive use of stock footage is pretty amazing — as the Wikipedia page points out, in one scene the hero, played by Dack Rambo, is having sex, but all of a sudden during the sex scene his hairstyle is totally different and we don't see his face.

You think maybe just the first 20 minutes will be full of flashbacks and people randomly saying "That reminds me of the time I was in a sea base on the ocean floor looking for Zirconium..." (Followed by a lengthy undersea flashback, made from stock footage.) But the flashbacks, montages and long chunks of nonsensical backstory just. keep. on. coming. This movie literally has it all, including space battles and evil "Whiteys." Sometimes one monologue barely ends before the next one begins. Witness this amazing moment where two monologues are jammed together:

But probably my favorite monologue com es towards the end, when the mutant leader Uncle tells the people that Kenner, the White Wolf, is their new leader. And one of them will be chosen to he his lover. And must have sex with him with GREAT GUSTO. Give up all your inhibitions to sweaty mutant sex, he urges, over a montage of people fucking and pictures of wolves:

This movie literally has everything. Well worth hunting down a copy.