Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS

Tonight is the last episode of Heroes. Ever. I have nothing to drink but mint tea. I'm joined by two tea-drinking friends, and my cat Space, who is now out of her TV writing job. Will all the heroes die?

The title of our very last episode is "Brave New World." A world without Heroes is like a land with a king! I mean, it's like a future without Fordism! Wait - erm - no.

It's a bad sign that Samuel's fake Irish voiceover introduces the episode. And of course we begin deep inside a giant plothole, which is also a real hole where HRG and Claire have been buried by Samuel's dirt powers. Why are they yelling for help instead of digging? Lauren is standing right on top of them, and despite the fact that she knows about the dirt powers she isn't at all curious about the giant mound of new dirt under her feet in the shape of a bus.

Meanwhile, Parkman is surprised in media tomato by the Xerox guy, who is there to stop Sylar and Peter. Turns out that all the xerox versions of Xerox have no minds and so Parkman can't control them. Plus, even though Parkman can't punch the xeroxes, they can stab him with all the zillions of knives he has lying around to cut up that tomato for dinner. See what being a househusband gets you?

Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS

Samuel is back at the carnival giving his followers yet another lame attempt at a Magneto speech, where he says that everybody should worship them, and that he'll force everybody to respect them by pulling back a curtain or something. They're in the middle of Central Park, and the carnies are wearing tutus of death. Also, Edgar the knifey one is skulking around. I thought they were all scared of Samuel, but suddenly they're like, "Yeah! He's this awesome guy and we're totally down with his 'they should worship us' plan!"

Now Samuel is going to use Puppetmaster to force Emma to play the cello. "I've always had a thing for blonds," Puppetmaster remarks. Great. Another brilliant blond joke. This is our signal that Emma and Claire have totally changed places. Save the blond and save the world!

But back at the ranch, Parkman is feeling resentful about how Sylar and Peter are going off to be heroes while he has to stay home and make ratatouille. He's getting all accusatory about how Sylar murdered a bunch of people. Can't he just get over all that stuff?

"I'm not that person anymore, Matt - I know it's hard to understand," Sylar explains.

Um, yeah. None of us in the audience understand it either. Why are you not that person anymore? Because you read a book by Ken Follett? Because you've had like twenty incoherent character transformations throughout this show so you might as well have another one? Whatever. Let's focus on something else.

Peter grabs Parkman's power, reads Xerox's mind, and discovers that Samuel is going to "open up the earth" in Central Park. Doesn't that sound sort of grandiose and medieval magic powers-ish? "Open up the earth"? That's one of the lines in this episode that my cat Space wrote. Her brother Time helps with the dialogue sometimes too. But unfortunately Space and Time are fighting right now, so Time is locked in the bedroom and can't comment.

And we're back to the plothole. Claire can't dig her way out of the bus without taking all the oxygen and killing pops. "Samuel put you down here to watch me die," he says, gasping. Oh noes! The one watchable relationship in the entire show is going to end in somebody dying?

Before he can leave the hospital in his healed-up state, Hiro discovers that Charlie is in the hospital too - but she's aged 65 years. Turns out Samuel stranded her in 1944 and she's dying now. She still looks pretty damn cute, actually. But of course Hiro is bummed out. Hasn't he ever seen Harold and Maude?

Can I just say every second of this show is making me glad that I will never have to see it again? Though it would suck if HRG died. Apparently he has no plan, other than to tell Claire the "whole truth" about how "everything that has happened to me has made me who I am." So we're about to have a moment of existentialism? Oh actually not. We're going to have a moment of closety feelings. HRG is bummed that everybody is going to find out about the specials from Samuel - he thinks people will turn on people like Claire. "It's human nature," he says. Once more with the "I need to protect you" stuff, and once more with the Claire pout over not being able to hurl herself off buildings in front of the whole world.

Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS

Sylar is trying to explain to Parkman how he repented for everything in the five-year nightmare of bad novels and comic books in empty New York. To prove it, there's going to be double-Parkman head penetration with Sylar, so that Parkman can be convinced that Sylar has become good. ZOOM INTO MY EYES AND STICK YOUR THROBBING HEAD POWERS INTO ME. Apparently, however, looking inside Sylar's head isn't enough because Parkman can't see into Sylar's "heart." Huh? Maybe they need a way to penetrate Sylar's heart too. Or maybe his fudge parts. Mmmm, fudge. Why do I only have this crappy mint tea and no chocolate???

Here comes Rainbow Brite with her evil cello! Everybody in New York has come to the park to listen to her, and Edgar is sharpening his knives. Apparently there are TV cameras too. They've invited the news! Because, um, news people have nothing better to do than visit a carnival in Central Park?

Back in the plothole, HRG is talking more about how he's the product of his experiences. He tells Claire that she's one of his experiences and she's crying and it's kind of sweet. His dying wish is that Claire stay hidden, pass, and blend in. But then, before he dies, Claire starts digging again and water gushes out of the dirt - and it's Tracy! How did she find them when Lauren couldn't? Who the hell knows. I told you they were in a plothole.

How do they get HRG out? How does Tracy breathe? A bunch of swirly water zooms around and then somehow they get out of 30 feet of dirt. Swirly! Whirly! Whee! Luckily Lauren used her Sprint phone to call a chopper, which is free with unlimited data service!

Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS

Hiro is going to go back to 1944 to rescue Charlie, but for some reason Ando thinks that's a bad idea, even though Charlie wasn't supposed to live in the 40s anyway. Why is there always some bullshit reason why Hiro can't use his powers to be happy yet again? Seriously he's already mucked up the timeline so much that this wouldn't be a very big deal.

Also, let's consider how the Puppetmaster is controlling Emma in Central Park right now (where HRG and Claire and Co have just arrived in the Sprint chopper). Doesn't cello playing require skill? So is he controlling her every finger movement or what? Seriously I thought they were out of the plothole, but no. By the way, this entire scene in the carnival was written by Space. She's so excited that she's licking everybody's hands. See how her eyes are dark and empty? They used to be bright blue before she became a TV writer.

Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS

Here come Peter and Sylar in their awesome jackets! Wow, everybody is at the carnival - all of New York City, plus a whole bunch of our main characters. While Sylar goes to rescue Emma, Edgar the knife guy grabs HRG. And . . . for some reason, Puppetmaster is able to control Sylar before Sylar can rescue Emma. WTF? Isn't Sylar totally superpowered??? Let me guess - he's going to have to become evil again to be badass enough save the day. Sigh. Let's watch a Sprint ad.

Back at the carnival, everybody has sparkly outfits and Claire is trying to convince the specials that Samuel is going to kill everybody as his "coming out party." It will be like Stonewall, except with giant earthquakes and cello death. Luckily, Edgar knows that Samuel is evil, and he's teaming up with HRG to kill old dirt boy before things get really quakey.

For some reason Charlie doesn't want to go back to the past and be Hiro's girlfriend because she doesn't want to destroy her children and grandchildren. Oh who cares about her stupid grandchild. It's temporal recycling to kill her off. It's fine.

Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS

You know how Hiro said, "My hero's journey has come to an end?" Space wrote that! My cat is such a great writer. She's also really cuddly. You'd like her.

"I am here to save her," says Sylar about Emma. Wow, he's finally saving somebody who is blond - it's like the cheerleader thing, except stupid! Except he's a hero, which is good! Or something! Five years of boring nightmare therapy have really helped Sylar become a better guy. Here's a question we all have about the nightmare world: Did they have bathrooms? Maybe Sylar is like this because he didn't go to the bathroom for like five years.

Claire is trying to explain to the carnies that "you give Samuel his power." Without them, "he'll be weak and ordinary." Except - um - when he was without all the carnies to help him, he still managed to suck an entire mansion into the earth and kill his brother with dirt clods. So I'm not really buying this whole "he'll be nothing without you" line.

Now HRG, Edgar, and Xerox are confronting Samuel about killing his brother and trying to kill all of New York. Here comes Peter too. Ohhhh, dirtfight with Peter and Samuel! Seriously the worst special effects ever. It's like Tremors without the good writing. "They have to fear us! That's the only way they'll respect us!" Then Samuel tries to bond over hating their older brothers.

And Hiro is going to stop the earthquaking by teleporting all the specials far away, with Ando's supercharging help. Once they're gone, Samuel's dirt powers are gone. And Peter punches him! Whoa. Punching! I like how Samuel's power is now looking all constipated and grunty.

Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS

Oh and now the smartypants kicker line:

HRG: I gotta say - I never liked carnivals.

Peter: Yup.

It's the end of Volume Five, AKA "The season of carnies and lesbian handholding."

Volume Six, "Brave New World," starts now. So we're going to get like 4 minutes of that new volume? Or hey - if NBC gave Leno his old time slot back, maybe that means the network is so overrun with crazies that Heroes will be renewed for its amazingly giant audience of 3 people and a cat.

Emma and Peter are reunited. She explains that "your friend" took care of the Puppetmaster. And Samuel is being arrested. Soooo what are they arresting him for exactly? Overacting? Dirt munching? Bad jewelry?

Claire says to HRG that people never change, and decides to come out as a mutant to the news crews. Yup, she climbs the ferris wheel and hurls herself off. Why don't they bring in the Haitian right now so that her powers stop working? That would rule.

Sylar is talking about how he's become good, and how right it felt not to kill. And then he starts leering at Claire and talking about how "she's going to change everything - it's a brave new world." So nobody is worried about a chick throwing herself off the ferris wheel? They just keep filming? Oh, and here's Claire's big message: "Hey man check out how I can heal and stuff. Also, all superpowered people are suicidal and deranged."

To be continued! Oh that is just pathetic, Heroes. Seriously, it's sad. Can't you just accept that we've broken up with you and move on? *

RIP Heroes. This show may have been incoherent, badly-written, filled with lame characters, and repetitive. But it was seldom boring.

* NBC has not renewed Heroes. Though it is still possible the show could get resurrected at the last minute, its ratings have been so bad that it is extremely unlikely. So yes, this is probably the very last episode of Heroes.

Goodbye, Heroes, GoodbyeS