The Smurfs Bring Out The Big Guns To Make Us Care About Their Movie

How can the people behind the upcoming Smurfs movie - based on the "classic" Belgian cartoon - make their film an attractive proposition? Adding Colombian-born hottie Sofia Vergara to a cast that already included Neil Patrick Harris. Just stop already.

Listen, Hollywood. It's time we came to an understanding. I am not going to see your Smurfs movie. It was, yes, a part of my childhood, but it doesn't sit in the fondness zone. In fact, I actively hated the Smurfs and all they stood for. So it's not going to happen.

Still, I applaud your efforts: casting the all-singing, all dancing, all-awesome Neil Patrick Harris was a good first volley against the impossible. And recruiting the, ah, bouncy Sofia Vergara is like unleashing a Hotness Nuke. The Columbia vixen that's been rolling her Rs all over Modern Family is a noble gambit, but it still won't work. Those little blue balls of joy aren't getting my money.

Unless... Unless you coax Sean Connery from retirement. Hell, I watched both Zardoz and The Avengers simply because he was in 'em. Or if you get Nathan Fillion. (Please, don't get Nathan Fillion. I'd be duty-bound. I sat through DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES for him.)