In the Kingdom of Eternia, there are fates worse than having "He-Man" or "Fisto" on your birth certificate. You could be a moss-yeti or an anthropomorphic pin cushion. If your parents gave you the following toys, they didn't love you.

10.) Spikor
Spikor was one of Skeletor's minions. His superpower was to be six-feet-tall and breathtakingly handsome. No wait, it was to be covered in purple caltrops and have an undersea weapon where his wanking hand should be.

Barring Spikor's awesome Manowar-style theme song, did anyone else find that commercial vaguely unsatisfactory? I mean, Spikor flaunts his comically impractical superpower, He-Man plods towards him holding an invisible cup, and WOMP sales pitch. No dénouement whatseover.

9.) Ram Man
The Kingdom of Eternia was an unforgiving place. If you were born with some debilitating birth defect, it was labeled a superpower and you were conscripted into Skeletor or He-Man's army, à la Bloods vs. Crips. Just ask poor Ram Man here. He was born with a gland problem, so his guidance counselor strapped a colander to his head and said "You're a human battering ram. Your job is to aid He-Man whenever he loses his keys."

Again, I have no idea what happened in this commercial. Did Ram Man and He-Man thwart Evil Dad using the Ram Man's super-politeness power? Why did Evil Dad give up so easily? I bet his kids were going to wish him to a cornfield.

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8.) Scare Glow
Scare Glow was advertised as "the ghost of Skeletor." This phraseology threw fans into conniptions. Was Scare Glow the ghost of Skeletor or simply some ghost on Skeletor's payroll? It turns out Scare Glow was the latter. Scare Glow's a pretty rad villain, so what's my beef with him? See, when I was a kid, we had Scare Glow and Skeletor. If you didn't choose Skeletor, you were saddled with "Naked Skeletor." The nuance of his character is lost when you're five.

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No, Prince Adam, you are cowed by his cape. Because it is fabulous.

[Scare Glow photos via X-Entertainment]

7.) Roboto
Roboto is awesome, but his primary superpower is that he can talk only when he's doing calisthenics. Prince Adam better have bought a warranty. Also, this commercial has another deliciously unresolved ending! These Mattel ads are artsier than I give them credit for.

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6.) Mosquitor
Mosquitor was a giant humanoid mosquito. When you pressed the button on his back, his stomach filled up with hemoglobin. Mosquitor was like the Old Yeller of action figures - he taught you the fragility of your existence. Also, if you brought him to day care, your folks would receive a phone call from a social worker.

5 & 4.) Rio Blast and Extendar
Rio Blast was the Magnum P.I. of Eternia. His parents named him after a Snapple flavor.

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Extendar was like Meckaneck but could extend every extremity. He looked like a bar of soap. When it came to my household's MOTU caste system, Extendar fell somewhere between Scare Glow and Papa Smurf.

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The 10 Most Unfortunate Masters Of The Universe ToysS

3.) Stinkor
Stinkor was an evil skunk. How do we know he was evil? He has the suffix "-or" appended to his name. If his name was just "Stink," he'd be kicking back in Castle Greyskull, pounding Schlitz with Man-At-Arms and scheduling baccarat night with Man-E-Faces.

I also like how Stinkor is "the evil master of odors." I didn't know the Masters of the Universe had particular fields of expertise! I bet if you had a question about evil smells, Stinkor was the kind of lonely villain who'd overeagerly discuss his grad school dissertation and foist a bunch of pamphlets on you while you inched towards the door.


2.) Hordak's Evil Horde
On one hand, Hordak rolled with some fairly crummy supervillains, particularly Grizzlor, who resembled a brunette Critter. On the other hand, HOLY SHIT is this the most metal toy commercial I've ever seen. It's so metal, Hordak verbally chokeslams Skeletor on network television.

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And Skeletor's done this.

The 10 Most Unfortunate Masters Of The Universe ToysS

1.) Moss Man
Moss Man felt like the non-hooky side of Velcro, smelled like Pine-Sol, and was Swamp Thing in a loincloth. At one point, I had 3 Moss Men and had lost all He-Men. Skeletor had to fight The Three Lichen Brothers. I hate Moss Man.

[Box art via Geek Orthodox]