OK, look. I love the idea of the show V. I love the actors, many of the writers, and both the current and ex-showrunners. But last night's episode, "Pound of Flesh," sucked us into the plotholes of doom.

The math problem

First of all, let's talk math. Seriously. One of the big plot points of the episode is that the Vs have developed a way to test who is in the rebel Fifth Column and who isn't. (They do this, inexplicably, by showing them footage of Michael Bay movies.) It turns out, according to the V scientist, that there is a 2% margin of error in these tests. Anna responds by saying menacingly, "I'll deal with those personally." Really? Since every single V is taking this test, she's going to personally deal with 2% of the population of her 29 of mega-giant ships all over the world? Clear this global dictator's schedule, because that's going to take a long time, especially if you add in all the supervillain speeches she'll have to give before and after each of those "eat the fire pill" moments with the 2%.

I Can't Tell If I'm Taking Drugs Or Watching "V"

But that isn't the greatest of your plotholey worries. First worry is: Why do Father Jack and Disposable Angry White Guy always have front-row seats every time the Vs give a speech? Doesn't that seem weird, given that they are a humble priest and a crazy-faced random dude? And then Jack is at the mega-press conference where the Vs announce their "come live aboard our ships" exchange program, and is able to just walk up to Chad, the biggest TV news anchor in the universe, and slip him his priest card (complete with gold-embossed cross on it)? I get that we need to move the plot forward, but why not just have Jack and his pal watch on television or something. Don't create this weird alternate universe where there are so few people on Earth that everybody who wants can attend an alien press conference.

I am sorry to be a complainer

The problem is that last night's episode was so far beneath the talents of everybody involved in this show that I feel like a spanking is in order.

Meanwhile, do not even get me started on the hybrid baby plot. Even though Ryan's baby is developing at this ridiculously accelerated rate, he's able to keep his girlfriend Valerie in the dark by taking her to a V ob-gyn who shows her fake ultrasound pictures? Seriously, how dumb is Valerie? And then we're told that Valerie will die if she doesn't chomp on some phosphorus, which Ryan can only get on the V ships. Wait, what? We can synthesize phosphorus on Earth, you know.

Another thing the Vs don't know, apparently, is how to use their super-mega-advanced technology to spot a guy who has been on the run from them for years. Can somebody please explain to me the series of scenes where Ryan sneaks onto the V ships using a fake passport created by the Fifth Column's new terrorist friend? Last week, we saw that Vs can literally track every single human on Earth via teeny radios in our DNA. They can reconstruct a fingerprint on an explosive device that has already exploded. But when Ryan walks on to the ship with fake fingerprint goo on his fingers and his forged passport, they don't notice anything? Even though they scanned him with their ultra-scanner?

I Can't Tell If I'm Taking Drugs Or Watching "V"

Luckily, only two Vs manage to see Ryan during his brilliant mission to steal phosphorus and broadcast a secret message during Anna's "join our V exchange program" speech. And they are members of the Fifth Column. So now the Earth-based Fifth Column has hooked up with the ship-based ones. Which makes it seem slightly more likely that there will be that army rising up to serve under Terrorist Guy. (Who is, in a totally unnecessary subplot, telling a lady in a business suit that he's not loyal to the Fifth Column - wow, really? I'm shocked.)

I Can't Tell If I'm Taking Drugs Or Watching "V"

The only non-plotholey part of the episode was when Erica took Tyler to his dad's house to protect him from hurling himself into the V exchange program. Anna and Lisa may have broken mom's hold on him, but they can't get between a boy and his dad. Especially if his dad works on motorcycle engines. Or car engines. Whatever. The point is: Engines are more awesome than lizard sex.

So, to recap, without plotholes

In this episode, the Fifth Column took some advice from a terrorist, who said that they should piggyback a call to arms on the broadcast signal for Anna's speech announcing a new V "exchange program." Ryan goes to the V ships in disguise, in order to send the broadcast and get some phosphorus for his wife.

Erica, fearing her son Tyler would want to become an exchange human on the V ships, sends him to live with his dad. Meanwhile, Anna fears increasing unrest among the Vs and has started a program to ferret out Fifth Column sympathizers. Things are just out of hand for Anna. She's murdering her own people, and at the same time she's telling her daughter Lisa to bring Tyler to the ship using her alien sex powers. Meanwhile, Angry White Guy goes to rescue Ryan for some reason, and winds up getting captured. So now he's being tortured.

A special message to the V crew

We love you. Please do better next time.

I Can't Tell If I'm Taking Drugs Or Watching "V"