Meet Stan The Man Griffin, scifi author and fedora aficionado. He wrote "Spider-Dance Spider-Man Theme Song," a smooooth remix of Peter Parker's angsty existence. With lyrics like "You hear something from above / He has spider-blood," this song = insta-sex.

The Most Erotic Rendition Of The Spider-Man Theme Ever Performed

First off, it's worth mentioning that Stan The Man Griffin has a book coming out, Summoned The Novel, which tackles the foremost issues of today. In fact, the book's very cover tantalizes us with mysterious epigrams - "The fear of being stung is more fearful than ever" and "If you could imagine where these creartures [sic] come from." Other than the naked dragonfly Da Vinci man, I'm pretty sure we figured out where horses come from. Maybe Stan The Man takes an Insane Clown Posse approach when it comes to equestrianism.

What's Summoned The Novel about? From his press release:

There has never been an author that has taken on the subject of abortion in a Science Fiction horror novel. Stan The Man Griffin has.

Right-O. The book is about some dragonfly hybrid soldiers (or something), Roe v. Wade, and "a passage of scriptures in the book of Revelations that has frightened readers for over two thousand years." I'm sensing the next choice for the io9 Book Club here!

Anyway, Stan should redub himself "Stan The Renaissance Man Griffin" because he's also written this funky ode to Marvel's web-slinger, "Spider-Dance Spider-Man Theme Song." It will turn you into a Man-Spider of love. You will have a Spider-babe on each of your eight limbs. Imagine being surrounded by a gyrating harem of Gwen Stacy, Mary Jane, Felicia Hardy, Jessica Jones, Kitty Pryde, Debra Whitman, Cissy Ironwood, and Aunt May. That is what this song sounds like. According to the song's Youtube page:

Its funky and cool and has that flavor of that puts you in mind of EWF. With a great horn arrangement and a hard hitting drum beat and funky bass line Spider-Dance will have you bobing your head and patting your feet soaking up the whole groove of the song that captures the heart and soul of Spider-Man!

We couldn't agree more, Stan The Man. We couldn't agree more.

[via Best Week Ever and Stan The Man Griffin. WARNING: Visit Stan's site and three songs simultaneously play at once. It's way jarring.]