Over the weekend, Syfy aired its latest insta-classic, Princess of Mars. Starring sexy Martian Traci Lords, it's the tale of . . . um . . . a guy, and Mars, and babes in chains . . . and SPIDERS.

One of the greatest "bizarro excuse to send you into another dimension" scenes opens the movie, when John Carter - who is a soldier in A Generic War-Torn Region In The Middle East - gets wounded and his doctors decide (WHY?) to teleport him to Mars. I love when the doctor says, "That was funny the other day when you said Mars."

So then John Carter goes to Mars and hangs out with fierce, tusked aliens who make him drink their sweat and eat their barf. He fights spiders, and then he fights a random Middle Eastern guy from back on Earth who wants to marry the princess for no discernible reason. The movie is filled with explosive nonsense. For example: What the hell is going on in this scene? Torture by essential oil?

Seriously, it doesn't make any more sense if you watched the whole movie.

While the nerds over at The Asylum cranked this sucker out, Andrew Stanton (director of Wall-E) is over at Pixar working on a version of the same Edgar Rice Burroughs story, under the title John Carter of Mars. After watching this, I'm sure Stanton is shaking in his boots as he contemplates the competition his film faces.

Princess of Mars via IMDB